I moved my mother in with me 5 years ago while I was still in an apartment and knew it would be uncomfortable to do so with my daughter as well, so mom and I went in on buying a house together. Mom was later diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years after the home purchase. Fast forward to today .... mom's Alzheimer's has progressed and this home is two stories and I don't believe the stairs are safe anymore and want to move to a 1 story, not just for mom but for me too. I have power of attorney over her, but I don't know if that is enough to make a call on selling the house or not. She argues with me about EVERYTHING and we never got along even when I was a kid, but after dad died and none of my brothers would help, I felt obligated to step up... and here we are. What I would prefer is that she go to an assisted living because she has a ton of medications and doc appointments for all her ailments that I can't keep up with anymore on top of the constant repeating herself and panicking unnecessarily that I don't know how to handle....but mom did zero financial planning, no assets, no retirement, nothing. I feel like I'm on the hook for the rest of her life. Everyone on this site talks about "just put her in a home" like it's that simple but when mom is co-owner on my house and has no money for nursing home, is it even possible?
1. What the terms of the house purchase say about future sales, for example whether just one party can force a sale, or whether it requires the agreement of both parties (i.e. both owners, i.e. both you and your mother).
2. Whether your mother is yet deemed incapable of acting for herself (probably, by now, but get a qualified opinion); and if so how you go about having her certified as such so that your POA gives you the right to act for her. What the POA allows you to do should be specified in the documentation you have with it.
The processes are broadly the same in principle wherever you are, but the devil is in the detail and you had better get legal advice on the correct steps to take in your state.
It is in any case a tedious, laborious and often frustrating process, but that's what you need to get ironed out. Once you have, you sell the house, divide the proceeds as laid down in your house deeds or whatever agreement you and your mother entered into on buying the house, then you take your share and you use your mother's share to pay for a facility. Not my area, but I believe you'll be looking for a facility that accommodates Medicaid funding after a period of self-pay; again, best to get professional advice on that.
How closely involved and informed you keep your mother will depend on how well able she is to understand and participate. It may be better not to include her in discussions - and not because she'll argue! But because if she is past the point of being able to act for herself, then thinking through and weighing up the various options will be burdensome and stressful for her.
You mention a ton of medications and multiple appointments - are you discussing your mother's mental state and the progression of her dementia with any of these medics?
Your POA obliges you to act in her best interests. That's okay, in that it won't stop you moving ahead - it's not in any person's best interests to have as her primary caregiver someone who doesn't want to do the job and is finding that it has got beyond her. It does mean you should take into account what you know about your mother's preferences and get as close to them as you can in reality.
And "a ton of medications" can greatly influence the medical and mental state of a person. Perhaps she needs a pharmacist to review her medications vs. any symptoms you see and look for interactions that could be causing anger and panicking.
You may need to reach out to a counselor and have a meeting with your mom and the counselor to discuss the options. It's often very easy for people to get angry and frustrated with loved ones, but a third party can help focus the discussion.
Even if you move to a new home - are you going to provide care for her 24/7? Are you going to make your own situation worse by moving? Why not just block off the stairs, or is there no way for her to stay on one floor?
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/buying-house-with-aging-parent-affect-medicaid-eligibility-169366.htm
"I don't believe the stairs are safe anymore.."
Temporarily can the second floor access be blocked off? Are there bedrooms and bathroom on the first floor? This would buy you a little time, while you work out a plan.
"I have power of attorney over her, but I don't know if that is enough to make a call on selling the house or not."
This is why it is important to consult an EC atty. Unless you understand the wording regarding selling property, it's best to get legal advice. My mother owned her own condo, set up as a Life Estate (won't discuss this here, but my opinion is this is a bad idea unless the 'owner' can remain near to or to the end.) The atty told me I could sign ALL paperwork related to the sale, EXCEPT the deed. Despite dementia and living in a MC facility, I had to get her to sign it and have it notarized.
In your case, because there is joint ownership, there are MANY details that we aren't privy to, such as:
Did you use equal amount of money to purchase?
Is there an outstanding mortgage?
If mtg, does she pay 1/2, incl RE tax and ins?
The actual "share" of everything would have to be legally worked out. Medicaid, if applicable, will be picky about this.
Side notes:
Try not to bring up topics that lead to arguments. Avoid anything that might or does set her off. It will make your life better! It's hard, but it can be done.
Panicking - have you discussed this with her doctor? They might be able to prescribe an anti-anxiety, which might take the edge off this. If it happens more later in the day, sun-downing, which can be helped with medication.
"What I would prefer is that she go to an assisted living..."
AL might work, for a little while. It depends on her dementia level. While she may not currently wander off, being in a new, strange place might lead to her wandering off. AL provides assistance, not constant oversight (or even minimal really.) At the very least, if you choose AL, make sure there is a MC unit associated with it that she can transition to. Might be needed sooner than you think!
"...mom did zero financial planning, no assets, no retirement, nothing."
This likely won't bode well. As you noted, many do say "just put her in a home" and it is NOT that simple. Being co-owner on the house is going to take legal assistance, but that's only the tip of the iceberg.
Medicaid, IN GENERAL, does NOT pay for AL (includes MC.) In some cases they will pay for the medical needs, but that might, at most, cover half the cost, usually less, esp with AL.
NOTE: MC is considered medically necessary, therefore it is fully deductible on Fed return - frees up tax w/holding.
In most cases, Medicaid covers NH care, but additionally the person needs to qualify for NH. It sounds like your mother has some medical issues along with dementia, but not likely enough to qualify for NH. Medicaid in many states DOES provide in-home assistance. This might be an option for you, esp if you can block off the second floor access. Having someone to watch over and assist with needs, it will give you a break, time to unwind, do things you like, get chores done, etc.
LEGAL assistance needs to be addressed first, so you know where you stand RE the house. If you both fully own the house (no MTG), then half would likely be her share and if managed well, it might cover some time in a facility. If not, inquire atty about selling and buying something smaller, and securing Medicaid in-home help. Your mother must get some income from SS - depending on how the sale/purchase goes, use her share to save for future facility and/or more in-home care and your share to buy the new place.
BUT
It’s not necessarily quite so simple 4 heirs to acquire….. the caregiver exemption to MERP, aka estate recovery, will require documentation as to the necessity for a CG and that you provided this for 2 -3 years prior to the elder entering a facility and applying for LTC Medicaid and it was your full time job. A state can require you to submit a on letterhead document indicating care needed from their old MD or SW to give to MERP to get that xclusion (when MERP makes it’s required attempt for recovery). MERP is an after death process. Getting a letter 2, 3 or more years after the old doc or old SW has seen them may not be easy.
Once they go into a NH, the medical director of the NH becomes their physician. Good luck on getting the doc from years & perhaps several years ago to remember the elder still have the records & gladly do a letter that has legal ramifications. For the SW, if they were a SW on a government program (not private practice), being a state / city employee precludes them from doing a document like this. You can’t just say “I did caregive”, you have to in some way provide documentation to the state that it happened.
For the spouse exclusions, that depends on your specific states laws. Some states totally allow the spouse to transfer ownership with no lein from Medicaid. Other states keep the lien lurking and then eventually when it gets sold, it may need to be released to get clear title. Some states don’t do a lien, it a claim against the Estate which moves it into probate laws and rules.
There r other exclusions and exemptions to MERP. But it’s completely on surviving spouse, POA, Executor, heirs, to find one that works and keep track & do whatever may be needed to get thru MERP. If there is no spouse, then someone in the group will need to pay property costs on the home in the elders name from day 1 of LTC Medicaid to beyond the grave.
It can be done - imho if u have the time, $ & sense of humor - but it will not be simple. You have to have the wallet to front whatever is needed to securely keep the house and do it for undetermined period of time. Its not simple.
If you have paid off decent equity on the home, maybe consider taking out a reverse mortgage I guess? Those can be a very bad idea sometimes though.
Also , this is probably very state and country specific, but in my state anyone that lives in their only home that they own, they can file a 'declaration of homestead', and that protects the home from any debtors up to...a very very large amount. But if you don't file/record it, than creditors can put liens on it, etc., and no one is obligated to tell the owner about the homestead exception.
In my experience in my state, "homestead" is primarily used to get an extended tax payment period, about 6+ months, based on that and some other factors.
Check to see what paperwork your mother has concerning 'end of life', I had power of attorney for my 95 yo mother. However, it was not effective until I had a medical doctor declare that she was incapable and unable to manage her financials and make decisions for herself. Once that was written and signed, then the power of attorney took effect.
My mother's only asset was her home. Nothing else. But in order to pay for long term care for her, the home HAD to be sold. Here in western washington state, the monthly cost for basic but GOOD quality care runs about $8-14,000/mo - which is all personal pay. And that doesn't include everything that she needed for her care, which, depending on the facility, needs to be personal pay as well.
But please, do speak with legal prior to doing or starting any type of actions. You want to make sure you are following the proper steps.
use yr common sense , do u live with her?...is she becoming obligerant its the loss of control or old age depression...some people do well but its a huge headache my dad was so compliant and nice it depends on the personality of the person..but u know my brother caretaker died before dad at 69 some from the constant babysittting,yelling about incontinence.getting up at all hours disturbing an already stressed caretaker..its not about being loyal to parents sometimes its about taking care of yourself before you breakdown...as brother did as he always g=felt he had to get home to take care of dad..and cooking,cleaning,taking to docs appointments,church and u must have a catheter i did not order one for dad...this could have eliminated a big problem.
The value of her home is in local tax assessor/ collector info and the property history is recorded at the courthouse. All, all that dovetails into the states database. Any caseworker can find this out and in a few keystrokes. The transfer will surface.
Are you sure he is transferring into your name? Or is he doing a Life Estate? or an Enhanced benefit deed? Or a type of Trust?
Please realize you all would need a 5 yr window to get beyond any transfer issues. (In some states it could be 3 years). So transfer in Aug 2021 = Sept 2026 b 4 she can apply for Medicaid. If mom is youngish and healthy, 2026 may be totally feasible. Otherwise you take your chances on the timing.
You should let your mom know your plans to sell the home.
She has too much money to be on Medicaid so to have her in a home, you would have to check with her Medicare and secondary Insurance and see what they pay regarding a home.
Or, you could sell the home, buy a 1 story and let mom continue living there until she really needs to move into a Senior Home as they're not a fun place to be in.
If she has no money or assets (besides the home), it's probably not going to be an AL facility she can go to. Check with your state - more than likely she would have to be self pay for that. Usually Medicaid, those with little income, only get qualified for a NH bed.
My own opinion is that placement of your Mother is better, for her own safety and for your own life ongoing. If that requires medicaid then you as POA can get her Medicaid. That DOES mean that the home cannot be sold until your Mom dies, and when it is there will be medicaid clawback by the government for her care.
What you need now is not the opinions of those of us on Forum, but the advice of an elder law attorney. You have big decisions to make that will be life changing for you and for your Mom. I sure do wish you good luck. Take deed copies and your POA with you on the visit. Mom's assets pay for this visit.
And she's quite young, still, and you are only in your 30's?
I hope someone can give you advice on how to sell your house and get your mother moved into Assisted Living.
You have done plenty for her; time for your brothers to step up and do something.