My 92 year old mother has dementia with sundowning and full-blown delirium in the evenings. My niece is really, really pressuring me to bring my mom to their house on Thanksgiving night (not a good time of the day for her). Her nagging is really stressing me out. Mind you, these are nieces and nephews who she rarely sees. I think she should stay at the nursing home where she has only been for 2 weeks. I think it would be a huge disruption and exhausting for her to be in a loud house with 20 people she doesn't remember all trying to talk to her and ask her questions. I think it would really set her back. Plus, I am the one who will have to tend to her while she's there (i.e., toileting, etc.) as she can't walk and is a dead weight of 110 pounds for me to lift. I am exhausted and do not want to go through this since I don't think either of us will benefit from this visit. I am not close with these relatives and they usually ignore us when we are there, except to ask a lot of questions of us both. I feel they are being very selfish to pressure me and I don't know what to say without causing a rift. Please help. I am new to this forum. My mom and I are very close and this whole thing is devastating to me. I am griefstricken and full of anxiety, and I am going this all alone as my sister just died a few months back and my brother lives out of state. Thanks.
Then, in the evening, go to your niece's and kick off your shoes and have a lovely holiday meal prepared by others. If/when they ask where your Mom is, just tell them she wasn't up to it and the staff suggested you leave her there. BUT, then turn the tables and suggest to them that she will be up for company Friday during the day and that you hope they will visit her then. Enough said.
This is what I see in these kinds of situations. A nonparticipatory relative tries to intimidate the caregiver into agreeing to that person's suggestions and desires.
If you feel strong enough, you can also turn the tables on her and ask the niece why SHE doesn't come to visit your mother as she's much more able to do so than your mother is to travel to someone else's house.
Don't let her cause any more stress to you. If she starts nagging, ask her if she understood what you told you the first time, and then excuse yourself because you have to take care of your mother. It does take some strength to say something like that; it always takes me awhile to get to the point, but when I've put someone in their place, I feel as if they're getting the message that they can't intimidate me.
And don't chide yourself for being sensitive. It's an asset your niece lacks.
Ok, regarding the Thanksgiving get together, try using what is called a "theraputic fib" which would greatly benefit you and your Mom. Tell your niece "the nursing home will not let your Aunt leave without the doctor giving permission, and the doctor said absolutely not". If the niece starts to nag, again tell her that sentence.
We have to realize that the younger generation is usually clueless about Alzheimer's/ dementia, and no matter how much you try to educate them, they continue to be in denial until they are up close and personal with the situation. Remember, you are in charge, and no whippersnapper is going to tell you what to do :)
Thank your niece for wanting to include her granny in the family occasion, and genuinely appreciate the good intention. Tell her the evening would be nothing but an ordeal for your mother. And if she really won't take your word for it, tell her that if she wants the right to an opinion she'll have to spend a few evenings in her grandmother's company first.
Also, more generally. Start worrying a LOT less as soon as ever you can about the approval of people you don't care about.
The sister who died so tragically - and how many years have you been dealing with that? Anorexia does terrible things to the people who care about the person, not only the person herself - she wasn't the niece's mother, was she? Is the niece your brother's child?
Even so, that horrific loss would help explain your niece's strong urge to get the whole family together in a huddle. But you have still made the right decision, because whatever the emotional undercurrents you are in charge of the daily practicalities of your mother's welfare, and that would include not placing her in a stressful environment.
And I'm quite sure that that's exactly what the doctor *would* have said. Your niece doesn't need to know you didn't actually ask him... ;)
How is your partner getting on with his rehab?
You made the right decision, gracefully
No question or complaint too big or small
Dementia is far more difficult than I could have ever imagined
If nothing else, I hope you can enjoy a piece of pie on Thursday
The plate of goodies to share is a good idea if there is something unusual Mother likes that isn't available where she is. We found that there were always snacks available at the NH and we cut way back on bringing treats.
We let Mother enjoy the special meals they prepared for holidays. We had occasional non-holiday special meals with her by reserving a small community room, bringing a tablecloth, flowers, nice dishes, and some take-out. Mom especially liked Chinese. We brought a home-made dessert and made sure there was enough to share in the employee break room. But we didn't do this instead of the facility holiday meal -- that was a nice event for her, too.
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