My 80 year old father had mitral valve replacement surgery on 2/2/22. We were told he would be in the hospital about a week and would be fine. Two days later, he had a major stroke. The doctors told my brother and I and my father that the stroke was minor and he would make a full recovery. We have since been told by different doctors that the stroke was major, in a very bad spot in the brain and that my father would die soon. He is failing to thrive now and has a lot of end-of-life signs, so he doesnt have long. But because of the stroke, he doesn't understand that. He keeps saying, "When I get home, I'm going to ..." "We should all go camping more this summer." "Do you want me to take a look at your car?" I don't know how to handle this! Should I tell him he's never going to go home? I tried asking him in a subtle way what his relationship with God was but he didn't understand. Should I even bother telling him he's going to die soon? Or should I just let him go on believing he's going to go camping again?
Most patients will tell YOU when they are dying. I think it doens't work well for you to tell them when they aren't ready. I remember a nurse friend telling her brother, who she cared for in his last days dying of AIDS, to "go toward the light" and he looked at her in dire shock (couldn't speak at that point) and with panic, as if to say "What the HECK! I am DYING????" She said she learned right then and there it isn't on her to tell someone when they are dying.Take this a day at a time. Be ready to follow Dad's lead. If he wants to dream of fishing, let him. Follow his lead.
If he asks "Well we ever go fishing" the answer is "I don't know Dad, but if we have to go without you I want you to know you will always be there with us wherever we are". Just follow his lead. Reassure him. Tell him you don't know, because, guess what, really you don't know, no matter WHAT the docs say. You have been informed how it "looks" now. Just take this a day at a time. My advice as a nurse is that it is the patient who decides.
Make plans, talk about past trips, etc.
If you are worried about his salvation, do not be subtle. Have a talk about it, none of us is promised tomorrow, so it is okay to be open and honest about this, it is his soul afterall. Get a pastor in there and lead him to Jesus if he hasn't already accepted HIM as Lord and Savior.
When my dad had his 1st heart attack, I walked into the hospital room and the first thing he said to me, I was the only believer in my family at the time, "Ya know kid, I hate to tell you there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, hahaha." Grieved my spirit and my response was, "Ya know, maybe you were going the wrong way." It changed his life, he realized that he could be headed to hell and it made him exam his heart. He served The Lord for the rest of his days after his 2nd heart attack the very next day. He spent 4 days in a coma, it took them 6 minutes to incubate him and they fully prepared us for his demise. I wouldn't accept that my Merciful God would let my dad perish, he woke up 4 days later as though he had just gone to sleep the night before. All of his medical team said it was a miracle, it was. Don't lose faith for his soul or his healing.
Prayers for The Lord's guidance on how to deal with this.
We had the BEST time, EVER! He couldn't find his words, and I'm quite a talker. I told him stories about our very large family after he joined the Army. He's about 20 years older than me. There were lots of stories to tell. We laughed SO much! His strongest recollection was living on a beach when he was small. He loved swimming every day. I consider our time together one of the biggest Blessings of my life.
Make him comfortable, love on him, and make his transition a positive experience as much as you can.
It does no good to try to alter their beliefs, perceptions. And for what end, anyway?
Especially when someone is forgetful or doesn't understand...let it ride.
Smile and let it ride.
Unless you like being Don Quixote.
You might be surprised how easy it is once you commit to it. Might find it the easiest thing you've ever done.
He may or may not know he's dying. If he knows, he doesn't want to talk about it. Let him enjoy his remaining days the way he wants.
Yes.
If you are concerned that his doctors have been wrongly withholding information from him, ask them why - they may have very good reasons for it, but it's their job to discuss his medical condition with him and to communicate what he needs to know in a way he can understand.
It is your job as his child (or, rather, your job as his children - I didn't mean to exclude your brother) to reassure him that he is loved, that you are grateful for his love, and that whatever may come all will be well. Do you know that the afterlife *doesn't* include camping and fixing the car? - because I don't know that. Whatever's on his mind, it's fine to take as his way of connecting with you.
It’s such a personal decision. Whatever you and your family decide, you’ll make the right decision.
I wouldn’t tell him, in the same way Ineedsupport32 and Bundleofjoy replied. This way he can enjoy his plans of going home.
doctors wouldn’t tell patients, if they were going to die. It was believed to be better for patients not to know.
If the patient has family, the doctors would tell family. And family was discouraged to tell the patient.
Some families agreed with the policy. Some didn’t and thought the patient has a right to know.
I extend all my sympathies to you, Raerae123! Whatever you decide, is the right way. You love your Dad.
Personally, I would not tell my father what is to come. My dad is a very straightforward man, he has always said when it's his time it's his time but during moments like these I feel many strong people become vulnerable. I would follow along with his conversations of plans. Let him go in peace and not instill a possible fear of death or the unknown.
But you know your father, you may know what he would want. It seems he has a hard time understanding things, meaning you may tell him his prognosis and he will continue to speak about the future.
I work in a hospital and have seen many patients accept death (who are aware) and many others struggle to accept it. There is no easy answer.
Peace and light to you and yours.
hugs to you OP in this very, very hard situation.
i feel so sorry for you, for your father.
your question is very difficult. the answer is so dependent on what you/your family think is best (and if you can guess what your father would want).
personally, if i were about to die — i would want to be told. this way i can say/do what i feel is necessary.
but some people feel it might be cruel for the person to know they’re dying.
it is really, really up to you/your family/trying to guess what you think your father would want (know vs. not know).
huge, huge hugs from me.
just adding:
my instinct is, DON’T TELL HIM. let him enjoy/be happy with his plans what to do when he gets home. his body will fight to live. and he can be happy with his plans.