My husband and I have only been married since December. His mother had a stroke in January and also is on dialysis with Hyperglycemia. My husband works crazy hours in the night so he can be off work by 8am to take her to Wound care daily and dialysis three times weekly. I work 8 hour shifts through the week and he is spending those 8 hours tending to her needs. When I'm off work in the evenings we spend a lot of time driving around until she decides what she wants to eat. ( nothing is good enough) He is then to take her food back and check her sugar and set up the food in front of her. We go home for a couple, maybe 3 hours and he has to go back to his mothers to take her to the bathroom and get her ready for bed. By the time he is back home it is bedtime and repeat the next day. I have told him how this is affecting our marriage and how I feel he is putting me 2nd.
He has 2 sisters and 1 brother. Brother lives in another state and comes in sometimes but also has a special needs child. 1 sister refuses to help. Other sister offers to help but seems like MIL is obsessed with husband and doesn't accept help from others. To the point of them being at her house and offering her food and she still calls my husband.
She is also jealous when he spends time with me, saying, I guess you are going to the movies and I'm the patient. Or getting mad and telling him to take care of his family first and hanging up on him. When mentioned to him, he blames the moody-ness on the kidney disease. And the weekends she is calling before 9am for the bathroom and then it breakfast, lunch and dinner with me "fit" into his schedule around her.
He sees no problem with this! Can someone please help? Thanks for allowing me to vent.
THIS.
Is your mil only 68 years old?
Does your H think all of this is acceptable?
For starters, your MIL is jealous and resentful of you because she's not the only woman in her son's life. She's also competing with you for his attention. She expects your husband to choose her over you, his wife. This happens more often then you might think. She's using her health conditions to keep control over him and this has to stop at once. If she needs your husband to put in eight hours a day caring for her, then she belongs in a nursing home.
Your husband needs to stand up to mother and let her know this.
If he wants to help take care of her, that's great. He has to establish some boundaries with her and stick to them no matter what about what will be tolerated and what won't be.
Stubbornness and fussiness must not be tolerated for a moment.
Mother is right about one thing. Your husband should be taking care of his family first. As a married man, his first priority is his wife.
Lay down the law with this woman immediately. Taking care of someone's NEEDS because they can't do for themselves does not mean you have to meet their every DEMAND. Or any for that matter. You see what I mean?
Bring in hired help. If mother refuses to accept it, then tell her the choice is work with the help being offered to her or she's on her own.
Sometimes parents need some tough love the same way kids sometimes too.
It's for her own good.
I agree with what BurntCaregiver has said. But if your DH sees no problem with what is going on here, that is the biggest issue of all. Does he want a real marriage or to be a full time caregiver to his mother? Because I don't see how he can have a full time job, another full time job caring for his mother, and also be a husband to you. There's only 24 hours in a day for all of us, including him.
Sounds like it's time for a serious talk with your DH now and to decide where his priorities lie. Why did he get married if he has no time for marriage, I wonder?
Wishing you the best of luck sorting this whole situation out to your best advantage.
If not, you will need to accept your role as “second best”.
I know this from having lived it.
Let me assume here. You are maybe in your 30s/40s. Is it his first marriage? Was he always the son that did? Lived home the longest or lived close by? If so, I married one like this. I found out early in my marriage that I was #1, though. My needs outweighed his Moms.
MIL was always calling my DH to do something. If he was not doing something at the time, he ran over. If he was doing something he would tell her when he was done. I didn't realize that she did this when FIL was out of the house. So she called this one day and DH said he would be right over. No sooner had he hung up FIL called and told his son not to come over, he was perfectly able to take care of what his wife needed. Never got a call from her again. I too think there was some jealousy thing. She always tried to outdo the DILs. Like we were in a contest.
If she can afford it, I suggest she hire someone for the evenings. As a diabetic, she should not be eating "take out" all the time. Too much salt and sugar. If she hires someone they can cook her a good meal and deal with the rest of her nighttime ritual. It will also give her someone new to talk to.
Your husband is not going to be able to continue like this. He must be exhausted. He should be able to come home from work and sleep. When you come home, you should enjoy that time together. If she needs to be helped to the bathroom, then she needs an AL. Is she really this bad off or is she faking. See if the dialysis people offer transportation. Ask if woundcare can come to her. Senior bussing can take her to woundcare and dialysis. She needs to realize her son cannot do it all and he owes you some "couple" time. But DH needs to set those boundries. Either she hires help or she goes to an AL. If no money, Medicaid has in home services.
How did she treat you before the marriage and her illness? Did she seem clingy and jealous that her boy had another girl that was more important to him than she was?
I can't tell you what to do about your marriage, but your husband is being pulled in all directions, and he's going to collapse soon. His other siblings need to be on board or Mom needs to have in-home help, because this isn't sustainable.
If the sister who will volunteer is still willing, mom might decide she prefers her to the county transport.
Look over her insurance policy to see what benefits if any are offered for transportation. The dialysis center may offer transport. There may be a neighbor who could be hired.
There first has to be a need that DH will allow to be filled.
Home Health will do wound dressing in the home. Again someone needs to see what type insurance she has and the benefits.
Was she hospitalized with the stroke? Did she go to rehab? What are her limitations due to the stroke? Did she have therapy? Again she could het that at home.
How long has she been diabetic? Medicare will also pay for glucose monitoring devices that eliminate the need for manual checking of her blood sugar.
I could go on but the point is that there are services available besides your husband. It takes time to set them up and get them going but his whole life doesn’t need to revolve around his mother. He is allowing her to be an invalid. Now I am assuming she is not already an invalid. I don’t mean to be insensitive but if she is indeed an invalid, she needs to apply for the help that she needs now and allow him to be a son who visits and not a full time caregiver and a pt time husband.
She has some serious health issues but they should be addressed with the help of the professionals.
Again, it can take a minute to get resources lined up but the part about riding around deciding what take out sounds good to someone in her condition would have me running for the hills.
Your husband may need your help getting the services lined up. I would be willing to do that with the expectations that he stop spending all his time with mom.
You should never stand in line for anything. Not in first place, not in second place.