My grandmother is struggling with both mental and physical decline/issues. While she is quite willing to discuss the physical issues, she is unwilling to acknowledge or discuss the mental ones. My grandfather, who lived with her, and I have been doing our best to help her maintain her independence, though I also feel we have somewhat enabled her to ignore her mental struggles as well. However, about two weeks ago, my grandfather died. My grandmother living alone does not seem to be a good idea at this time for any number of reasons (falling, losing things, isolation, grief etc), and understandably, my grandmother is not ready to consider moving. The complications are this: 1. I am also responsible for my mother, who struggles with schizophrenia. My grandmother is very critical of my mother, as my mother is often difficult to understand and has difficulty following instructions. From the other side, since my mother is difficult to communicate with, it is easy to see how my grandmother gets confused even more easily and thus impatient. Either way, it is in neither of their best interests to live together. So how do I live with both? 2. My mental health. Because my grandmother is unwilling to discuss any mental issues she might have (I don't want to self-diagnose) it makes daily functioning quite difficult. My grandmother has always been one to need to be in control of the situation, and it would make sense in her grief that she would try to re-exert her control. However her need to have control over me as well as her forgetfulness, confusion, and some plain old passive aggressiveness is wearing me down mentally very quickly. For example, I have asked her multiple times if she would like me to move in. In response, she states it is my decision. However she gets upset when I have to leave for less than an hour to get a shower at the house I have been living in previously, half a mile down the road. This has occurred every day for the past week and a half.
I have a thousand thoughts going through my head, but no solutions. Guidance and thoughts appreciated. Thanks!
Did you have any discussions with your grandfather and or your grandparents together about what would happen when one of them passed, were any details taken care of like POA/DPOA, will, arrangements anything like that?
Listen carefully: DON’T DO IT!!!
Have grandma placed in facility.
If you want to live 24/7 in a psych ward with a mentally ill person who will become crazier, more controlling, more forgetful, more confused, and more dependent, etc. as time goes on.
If you want your life to be controlled by such a person.
If you never want to leave the house because it will upset her.
If you never want to see your friends or do fun things with them.
If you never want to have your own life doing your own things.
If you want your entire life to evolve around grandma and her growing and endless needs.
If you think in the near future you will be ready to pick her up when she falls, clean up after her bathroom accidents, wake up multiple times at night because she needs something or can't sleep, etc.
If you want to be a martyr and sacrifice your life your grandma.
If you think you will never get burn out and can live with resentment.
If you think you will be fine after grandma dies because you will have lost years of your life, and by then you will have no jobs and no friends and not know what to do with your life.
Go ahead and move in.
If not, listen to the good advice of others here and find an alternative for grandma and you.
Personally, the fact you are asking means you have already made your decision and now you're looking for others to tell you it's ok. For that, I use a Pro & Con sheet. List all the reasons on one side that are for you moving in. On the other side of the paper you list all the reasons for Not moving in. I have solved a lot Lot of problems using Pro & Con sheets.
Lastly, "To thine own self be true."
Don't make a hasty decision about this or anything else until you have looked at the pros and cons of what is best for YOU. It may involve some difficult choices, but you have to think of the consequences - good, bad, or neutral - of such choices. Short term and long term.
I wish you the best. Many of us here struggle with the same issues, just different and varying levels of them. But it's all about the people we love and making sure they are safe, healthy, and cared for properly. Include yourself in that dynamic because if you don't, you may regret it. Thoughts and prayers to you and yours!
You do seem to realize that you have reached your limitations. That realization is a good thing. Grandma will have to be placed in Assisted Living or other care, whatever her finances will support.
Life is full of loss, and those of us so "lucky" to live long face an old age that is quite honestly, and quite realistically, and quite sadly, nothing but one loss after another. It is the way of things. Not everything can be fixed. Not everything can be made happy.
I am so sorry for the losses all are facing, but I am glad that you seem to understand your limitations. Wishing you, your Mom, and your Grandma, good luck moving forward.
Also, your gramma can't control you unless you give her control. But I don't think she "needs" to control you, I think she is fearful of how her life is upside down right now, as is understandable, and your love and attention are comforting. Maybe allow her some time to grieve before launching her into yet another big change. Check in on her often and call, make sure she's eating and taking care of her self. I'm sorry for your quandary, but you are young and need to have your own life. You've already done the lion's share of generous giving of yourself. But you're not responsible for other people's happiness. Wishing you peace!
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It may be time to make arrangements for grandma to be in a facility. She doesn’t seem to be able to be alone. She falls. You sound concerned about her being controlling. Is this something you have thought about before or is it a reaction to your grandpa dying? Sorry for the loss of your grandpa. It’s an emotional time for the family. It isn’t the time to make a huge decision like this.
Your grandma will adjust if she moves to a facility or will adjust to in home caregivers. Wherever she is you can visit her.
Think about this seriously. I don’t think I would do it. What about a job? Would you be paid by grandma?