My sister had my mother move in with her and sold her house for $500k. She used this money to purchase a condo that is used by her son. In addition my mother used her IRA monies to pay off the debt of her grandson.
My mother fell and now needs to be in an assisted living home. My sister says she can no longer care for my mother at her home. She is now pressuring my mother to ask me to pay for 1/2 of her care.
When anyone confronts my sister, she becomes argumentative and combative.
I have supported my mother for the past 20 years, providing all financial needs without any help from my sister. The assets my mother had and gave my sister were to provide monies needed for my mother's care in later life.
are you a financial POA or medical POA?
how do you feel about your sister making demands for you to help financially after having spent your Moms money. Hopefully your sister is the financial POA! If so, let her rant & rave but if she’s all that concerned then she’ll do the work of applying for Medicaid or assistance. Guaranteed it’s going to be messy due to all the assets!
geez I read this & got angry, How can you not be!
i say HELL NO do NOT spend one single cent! Yes it’s for the greater good of your Mom but it doesn’t sound like your Mom covered her bases all that well.
To protect yourself, you might consider putting any liquid assets into a trust for yourself. It would prevent you from losing assets, if worst case happens, that you might need for your own care in the future.
I am guessing this is addressed in comments which I have not read, but when your mom gave your sister the 500K, were there not any legal documents associated with this? She cannot just give a daughter 500K without tax consequences.
Tell your mom to tell your sister that it is up to your sister to work it out. Either let your mom continue living in her home or sell the Condo that was purchased using your moms money from the sale of her home and or tell the son to start paying rent and that rent can go towards a place for your mom, along with your mom using her Social Security.
As far as your mother being the intermediary in this discussion. Tell her the same thing, the IRA was for her welfare use. She CHOSE to spend the money on her grandson. So you cannot now, be part of any additional funding for her care. You have already supported her for 20 years, now it's her other daughter's turn.
You are not responsible for poor financial choices made by your mother. Unless you get tough, as sad as it is, you are going to be in a big financial hole yourself when it is time for you to retire and or needing long term care.
Long term care is very expensive, and will be even more expensive. Do not make the mistakes your mother made by giving away your money that you are going to need for your own long term care down the road.
If you have not already, please sit down with a financial adviser to figure out how much you will need for long term care should you have a chronic illness like Parkinson's Disease, Alzheimer's, etc.
Not sure what state you're in, but you might want to consult an elder attorney to explain situation and find out if you would be liable for mom's care.
Also, if you can look over the Trust and see who is POA. If you are on that trust you do have a right to see it. You can contact a law firm in elder law for a 30 min free consultation. Many California cities/counties do have specific run divisions for elder and older adult care and advice. Some are called “Area on Aging”. Look them up as well.
DO NOT BACK DOWN! You need to get ahead of this. I know you love your mom and want the best for her BUT your sister seems to have used your mom for her money and now when there is no more she’s throwing her on you. Make the agencies that are provided for you do the dirty work and you get the ball rolling. Your mom will get the care she needs and hopefully the money will be provided as it was supposed to be... from the money your sister used for her own gain... which California courts will take back from her in a heartbeat!
2. Do not care what your sister’s emotional reactions are- you just carry out all paper work your attorney tells you to.
3. The kind, caring daughter - naive about law- who didn’t set up any legal papers get screwed - always.
4. Your sis saw greed first. She could care less about Mom.
5 a fall doesn’t constitute being placed in Assisted. mom can recover. Assisted living is NOT FREE. it’s expensive. For now, tell everyone to forget about Assisted until law suit is finished. With Corona. It will take 2 yrs to step inside a courtroom. One must NEVER THROW AWAY MOM under ONE circumstantial incident Only a wimp would give in.
Assisted is living hell. Everyone there is like a zombie who broke after their kids threw them away. No matter how poor, how inconvenient, one must never throw away their Mom. This Falling stage / last stages doesn’t last forever.
5B. Take your Mom into your home. This is the woman who sacrificed all her life for you. Mom Absolutely deserves a few last years of comfort & care from the right daughter who cares.
So what if Mom got had with your Sister’s greedy scheme. Look how Sis is demanding now. Those are her true colors.
6. Loser pays all attorney costs. If your sister is guilty of breaching elder care #1 rule- to do what is in BEST INTEREST OF MOM - even against herself - as in Mom May not have known what was best for herself- your Sis will lose.
7. If Sis has assets, you can sue her for damages ( add more money for yourself) & add Your Past unpaid wages as Mom’s official caregiver for past 20 years.
8. If Mom doesn’t have dementia, take her to AAA. Get durable POA notarized there. Always do this outside of your sisters home. Without DPOA, you can’t fight your Sis. Download free DPOA template and fill it in. Take Mom for a fake ‘something’ outing and go to elder lawyers office to sign a petition to sue. Or AAA to get your prepped DPOA notarized. Even with Light dementia- Mom can still sign legal docs.
9. Don’t be so naive about elder law and your Mom’s money. Mom needed someone like you to protect her until death. This is what Mom’s last assets were for. To be used WISELY. Mom chose the wrong daughter. This happens all the time. Moms should choose the caring daughter over the rich daughter. Elder attorneys see these type of cases all the time. Too many times. Your kind of scenario is nothing that would surprise the attorney.
As for your sister, if your mother had it in writing that those assets were to be used for her care later in life and she spent them I would call the authorities and have her charged with fraud.
I have seen it far too often where the good child is crapped on by the parents while the negligent ones are worshiped. I go through it with my family as well.
Easy peasy. The IRA $$$ is lost, unfortunately, but the condo is still an asset that can be sold off, thankfully.
Say no to your sister and advise her about how to get mother's money BACK to use for her care now that she's in need. If she becomes argumentative and combative with you, advise her that you will be sending an Elder Care attorney over to speak with her about the fraud she's committed with regard to how she's misused her mother's money.
GOOD LUCK!!!
There are so many unknowns in this question.
I wonder how long ago did she give your sister the money and pay off her grandsons debts? How long has she been living with your sister? Were you supporting your mom while she lived with her sister? Or did she just move in fairly recently.
i can’t help but wonder if your sister just found out from a social worker that she will have to pay now due to Medicaid laws, bad decisions and greed on her part. There is a look back and if the gifting or transfer of assets weren’t done the right way then the court will look at it in a very unforgiving manner. Hold your ground and get an elder law attorney and APS involved. Word of warning, I have seen the guilty family member that is living with the senior file APS Complaint and try to isolate the mother from the family member claiming they are creating “ stress” and “abusing” the senior. That might be good reason to not hesitate in you filing the complaint.