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I don't want to shame my dad, but he has started saying inappropriate things to me and when I remind him I'm his daughter I think he's embarrassed. I'm wondering if we should call him by his first name instead of Dad and Grandpa.

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when I visited my dad in assisted living, I always (until the very end) said "HI DAD."

I guess I did that so I put in his mind (for at lease a minute,he had ALZ) that I WAS HIS daughter.

sometimes he looked at me and I wondered what he thought? I would explain by saying my first and middle name. and he would look at me and think...because in his mind - the older person he saw (me) wasn't his little girl.

if I told him my age, he acted like that was a joke. cause I should be only be 18??
I had to remind him no dad. im 50 something

sometimes having a picture of yourself when you were younger and then they can make a connection.

what inappropriate things are being said?
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He's asking me to shower with him, sit on his lap, etc. He lives in our home with my family (husband and daughters). I get him dressed and bathe him. It's usually during those times. We do look at pictures, but he's not registering it as me anymore. Thanks for the reply!
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My mother, who in her “normal” life, was the World’s Biggest Prude, became obsessed with sex when she suffered from dementia. The nursing home was a brothel and all the patients and staff were having sex with each other. Some in her room. I often felt like taking a shower after I got home from visiting her.

One day, when she was going on and on, I’d had enough. I knew it was the dementia, but she was still my mother and listening to her was disgusting. I got right in her face and said, “Mom, be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!” She looked shocked and after that, it was a little better. I repeated it whenever she started up again. You can try telling Dad to be a gentleman. Tell him you’re a lady and ladies don’t like to hear that kind of talk.
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Amycaring, my 96-year-old dad usually doesn't recognize me as his son -- often I'm his dad or one of his brothers or cousins from the 1920s or 30s. I don't correct him because it only confuses him further and usually the memory care staff plays along, as well, but once a CNA told him his son was here and he looked up at me and told her no, that's his dad and that he doesn't have any sons that big. He always tries to be polite, but in addition to lack of memory and being confused, he often uses the wrong word for something and sometimes says "inappropriate" things that we just shrug off and smile. In my dad's case, there's really no point in trying to restore memory or correct wrong words as his brain is too damaged.

As your dad's daughter, it's probably harder for you to shrug and smile at inappropriate comments, but I suggest trying to do that. Right now your corrections embarrass him, but apparently aren't deterring him because his brain is damaged. As his dementia worsens, his embarrassment may decrease and inappropriateness may either increase or decrease and I think the "shrug and smile" technique will be your best defense against building resentment toward him and the memory of who he used to be. That said, you could try Ahmijoy's suggestion a few times to see if it works on your dad -- each damaged brain is different.
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Maybe you should stop bathing him. Can't ur husband do this for you. He may think your his wife. I give you credit though, but this is one thing I would not have done for my father.
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I guess if he isn't remembering who you are then. you could start referring to yourself (at times) that you are his nurse. and like ahmijoy says REMIND HIM constantly that its NOT nice to say that. etc what ahmijoy says.

otherwise maybe it would be a good idea to call in for home health co. and pay for someone else to do his bathing.

I don't know if dad feels shamed and embarrassed. I understand you don't want to hurt his feelings because its not his fault - just his brain condition. but that would embarrass me. that would make my toes curl :( so I feel for you.
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I was thinking about a home health bath aide too. Older people don’t need a bath every day unless they’re incontinent. Is your dad? I agree that maybe having hubby pitch in with the bathing, if he’s wiling, is a good idea. I wouldn’t leave Grandpa unsupervised with your daughters. If they’re old enough, explain dementia to them and that Grandpa’s brain is “broken”. If they’re not old enough to understand, all the more reason not to leave him alone with them.
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Look for Teepa Snow's videos on Youtube. She specifically talks about the issue of inappropriate talk...especially sexual talk.

Apparently, there is an area of the brain that houses social chit chat, rhythmic speech (like poetry and music), and inappropriate conversations and words- like sexual topics or racial commentary.

I don't recall that she offered any particular techniques for dealing with this. But she did say that it is a common symptom of this disease.
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My husband doesn't recognize me as his wife. Keeps asking me where his wife is but remembers my son and his children from his previous marriage. Sometimes I'll tell him I am his wife but sometimes he doesn't believe me. I am with him 24/7 but he will tell me that there are multiple women in our home. Who are they? Tired of telling him that I am his wife which he forgets one minute later. It's tiring. I am starting to change the subject and not answer him and he forgets that he asked me where his wife is. Hope he stops asking one day.
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anonymous522911 Jul 2018
tperri, I imagine that really hurts. I'm going through other trials with my parents, and mother is becoming verbally abusive. I hope, for your sake, your husband moves on to some other behavior soon. He may never recognize you as his wife again, but hopefully he'll stop actively "denying" you. That would be so hard for me to handle. Hugs.
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I think you should use, reuse, reuse & reuse the name 'dad' often as a reminder that you are his daughter -

Assuming that his remarks show that he finds you an attractive woman when he forgets that you are his daughter then try taking it as a compliment that you are a very lovely looking person & even someone with dementia [I'm assuming] notices it ...... that how to make lemonade from the lemon life gives you
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dear Amycaring, You are certainly in a challenging situation. It may help to remember that your dad's brain wiring is broken. The concept of family and appropriateness are becoming more blurred. I don't think your dad means to offend you by his comments. As a caregiver to a gentleman with dementia I had similar challenges, but without the emotional bond. When he said things like your dad, I would respond by saying , "Oh not now, we have to finish your shower and get dressed." I would try to distract him. I had learned from interacting with my mother (who had dementia), that arguing or trying to set the record straight was a useless endeavor that only upset her more. Obviously there was no sexual innuendos with her. Blessings to you for caring for your dad. Good luck.
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I lost my dad almost a year ago, he had severe brain damage from to many falls and lost all memory in the end. My best defense was that I stopped expecting him to be what he once was. You can still enjoy your time with him even if he doesn't remember your relationship. The only thing that matters is that he knows someone loves him and visits often. I stopped being frustrated and broken once I realized that my need to be recognized by him was for me and not for him.
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I don't have a lot of experience with what you go through, however I think maybe you should stop bathing and dressing him, he might confuse you for his wife or something. Perhaps your husband could start doing this, or a male caregiver.

And yes, I would keep reminding him you are his daughter. I would also reassure him if you can tell he's embarrassed or upset that he didn't know. Though it's hard, you still should try to set up boundaries if not for him, then yourself.

Wish you well,
Ana
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Perhaps you should say "Hi, dad; it's me-your daughter, I am here." That may not be the answer as your father's brain is broken.
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My 91 yo mother w dementia/Alzheimer’s sometimes don’t recognize me as her daughter & when I tell her she says she doesn’t have a daughter; only sons....so I ask, “So where are they?” I only have one brother & he only visits occasionally . If I see the sons, I’ll tell them to give me a break!
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This must be very difficult for you...Just say, "You are a very nice man but I could not do that because I am a married woman and my husband lives in this house with us ."

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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Say, "I'm not that kind of girl".  I did this with my mom who actually got amorous with me on a couple of occasions, and it worked.   Or, maybe while bathing him, wear scrubs like a hospital worker, and refer to him as "Mr. _______", and say, "My job is just to give you a bath.  I don't do any of that other stuff."  and then just change the subject.   While doing other caregiving activities, go back to calling him dad and wearing your regular clothing.  I hope this helps.
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