I am wondering if I should tell my mother, who is in a facility for the long term, that I am seriously ill and may not be living too long. She is at the point where she has a clear and sound mind sometimes, but also is not mentally sound part of the time.
I wish you strength and courage for whatever comes.
I, personally, feel that before you consider telling your mother anything about your health issues, you must make sure you arrange for your mother’s future while you still have the ability, for example who will take over POA if you become unable to tend to and make decisions for your mother?
You will need to alert your mother’s long term care facility as to the situation if or when you need to transfer responsibility to someone else.
When your mother’s future situation has a clearly defined path, then you will be able to discuss your own ill health with her, if you think she can handle the news. I believe loving mothers will sense or know when something is wrong with their children, no matter what the age. If you think she can absorb the truth at the time of telling, then yes do inform her.
Don’t forget to arrange your own POA, POLST, etc while you are still able.
Then, when your own and your mother’s legal loose ends are tied up, you will be able to spend all your energy on fighting your own health battles, which I will pray you win easily and swiftly.
Miracles can happen, and I hope you get one.
When I developed cancer, once we had a 'plan' as to treatment, we had a group family meeting with the out of staters brought in on ZOOM. Just told the adults and let them decide how to handle this with their kids. Some of the g-kids were very young, some were teens.
I told my mother one day on a visit to her. She is not demented, she's just old and forgetful and kind of narcissistic.
She looked at me and said "Oh, well, no one lives forever". And proceeded to tell me about her friend who has a myriad of health complaints...not a word as to what my TX looked like, etc.
I left within 15 minutes, sat in my car and cried for the mother-love I never had and never will have.
I did not speak to her for 18 months following. The entire length of my treatment. She never called me once, didn't send a card, didn't ask any one in the family if I was OK. Never.
After I was 'done', I went to see her. My hair had begun to grow back, but I still looked pretty bad.
What does Mother say to me? After 18+ months of silence?
"oh, you used to be my prettiest child!"
Every mom is different. Every mom acts in a way that's unique to them. I was hurt beyond measure by both her and my MIL's reaction "(Oh, so how long before she dies? she asks my DH).
Looking back, I would not even grace either of these women with my 'health issues'. Just because someone is your relative, it means nothing if they cannot be there for you, even in the most miniscule sense of the word.
I no longer have any semblance of a relationship with my MIL. My relationship with my mother is almost nil. And I imagine it will be until the day she dies.
FWIW--I filled the 'need' for 'mothering' with friends and people who cared about me. Life is too short to be involved in negative relationships.
I hope, for your sake, your mother is loving and supportive.
I’m sorry your mom treated you that way, and your MIL as well. It’s their loss, imho. Take care.
I am so sorry for your diagnosis.
I think you should tell her that you are not well.
If she asks you can tell her that it is serious.
Does she have a support system other than you? Who will tell her if you die before she does. (and it sounds like this is possible and it pains me to write this out)
How do you think she will handle it? Will she understand, will she retain the information for a while?
Are you on Hospice? If so you might want to ask the Chaplain and or the Social Worker how you should handle the situation. They may even be willing to sit and talk to your mom.
If she will not retain the information for long I do not think there is a point in telling her how serious your illness is. It would be enough to tell her that you are not well.
🙏
And may God's peace and comfort be with you as you travel this health journey.
I am sorry you are sick Coleyne. I hope you have friends and or family to support you during this time.
Prayers.
I expect you already have plenty to deal with. I tend to lean strongly towards sharing information, but maybe somebody else can support your mother with this news? I should start with whoever leads her team at the facility, who can then be ready to explain if, for example, you can't visit when you normally do or as often as you normally do.
Is your mother aware of your illness at all?
See All Answers