I am wondering if I should tell my mother, who is in a facility for the long term, that I am seriously ill and may not be living too long. She is at the point where she has a clear and sound mind sometimes, but also is not mentally sound part of the time.
I am sorry you are sick Coleyne. I hope you have friends and or family to support you during this time.
Prayers.
I would tell her when she’s on one of her better days.
1. because I believe you may both need this closure and
2. I believe as a mother, they would want to know.
I would just do it in a very soft tender way. Maybe just that it is a serious thing.
I don’t know about your Mum but my Mum is similar in that she’s part there and part not. However, if there is one thing she STILL has it’s a sense of nurture.
Just before whilst I was helping her toilet, she noticed I was looking sad and said,.. “You’re upset, don’t be upset”. The next part is going to sound strange but there are times she still wants to comfort me. The other day I fell asleep leaning on her lap on the sofa. I know she can’t help me, I know that full well....and she knows she can’t communicate on an advanced level,.. but for her it’s important that she can nurture. I used to think what’s the point, she can’t fully understand or help BUT then a couple weeks ago I gave in and thought what’s the harm. I guess it’s also closure in a way. Eventually this will also fade but for now,.. I’ll take my Mums hugs. It might be the only thing she can offer but damn I felt at peace when I nodded off for a bit! I guess her touch was still familiar. My point is,.. if you’ve had a close relationship with your Mum... you might just be surprised. For us there was like a shared understanding that things are not quite alright but we can hug and let the unconscious talk.
Back to your question right off the bat, no. What good does it serve to tell a mentally ill person that you are dying? It's a very painful bomb.
Do you have siblings? As an experiment don't visit your mom for a bit and ask your siblings if, after some absence, mom asks for you. The answer may help you determine if you should trouble her with this heartache.
I will pose this question to you “ if your situation was reversed, would you want mom to tell you?” Whatever you answer is then apply it.
Personally, I would wait until she is lucid and tell her.
My dad died while mom was going through senility/ Alzheimer’s and she was pretty lucid during his death but not long after she had forgotten that he died. Very seldom would she mention him in the beginning and after a few months she never mentioned him again and she also forgot my name. Alzheimer’s is an awful, dreadful disease that wipes away our precious memories. So whatever your decision, make peace with it❤️
And enjoy the rest of your days!!
I expect you already have plenty to deal with. I tend to lean strongly towards sharing information, but maybe somebody else can support your mother with this news? I should start with whoever leads her team at the facility, who can then be ready to explain if, for example, you can't visit when you normally do or as often as you normally do.
Is your mother aware of your illness at all?
I am so sorry for your diagnosis.
When I developed cancer, once we had a 'plan' as to treatment, we had a group family meeting with the out of staters brought in on ZOOM. Just told the adults and let them decide how to handle this with their kids. Some of the g-kids were very young, some were teens.
I told my mother one day on a visit to her. She is not demented, she's just old and forgetful and kind of narcissistic.
She looked at me and said "Oh, well, no one lives forever". And proceeded to tell me about her friend who has a myriad of health complaints...not a word as to what my TX looked like, etc.
I left within 15 minutes, sat in my car and cried for the mother-love I never had and never will have.
I did not speak to her for 18 months following. The entire length of my treatment. She never called me once, didn't send a card, didn't ask any one in the family if I was OK. Never.
After I was 'done', I went to see her. My hair had begun to grow back, but I still looked pretty bad.
What does Mother say to me? After 18+ months of silence?
"oh, you used to be my prettiest child!"
Every mom is different. Every mom acts in a way that's unique to them. I was hurt beyond measure by both her and my MIL's reaction "(Oh, so how long before she dies? she asks my DH).
Looking back, I would not even grace either of these women with my 'health issues'. Just because someone is your relative, it means nothing if they cannot be there for you, even in the most miniscule sense of the word.
I no longer have any semblance of a relationship with my MIL. My relationship with my mother is almost nil. And I imagine it will be until the day she dies.
FWIW--I filled the 'need' for 'mothering' with friends and people who cared about me. Life is too short to be involved in negative relationships.
I hope, for your sake, your mother is loving and supportive.
I’m sorry your mom treated you that way, and your MIL as well. It’s their loss, imho. Take care.
And may God's peace and comfort be with you as you travel this health journey.
I wish you strength and courage for whatever comes.
I, personally, feel that before you consider telling your mother anything about your health issues, you must make sure you arrange for your mother’s future while you still have the ability, for example who will take over POA if you become unable to tend to and make decisions for your mother?
You will need to alert your mother’s long term care facility as to the situation if or when you need to transfer responsibility to someone else.
When your mother’s future situation has a clearly defined path, then you will be able to discuss your own ill health with her, if you think she can handle the news. I believe loving mothers will sense or know when something is wrong with their children, no matter what the age. If you think she can absorb the truth at the time of telling, then yes do inform her.
Don’t forget to arrange your own POA, POLST, etc while you are still able.
Then, when your own and your mother’s legal loose ends are tied up, you will be able to spend all your energy on fighting your own health battles, which I will pray you win easily and swiftly.
Miracles can happen, and I hope you get one.
I think you should tell her that you are not well.
If she asks you can tell her that it is serious.
Does she have a support system other than you? Who will tell her if you die before she does. (and it sounds like this is possible and it pains me to write this out)
How do you think she will handle it? Will she understand, will she retain the information for a while?
Are you on Hospice? If so you might want to ask the Chaplain and or the Social Worker how you should handle the situation. They may even be willing to sit and talk to your mom.
If she will not retain the information for long I do not think there is a point in telling her how serious your illness is. It would be enough to tell her that you are not well.
🙏