Mother fell and broke her hip last summer and had to move to assisted living. She has not regained her ability to walk mostly due lack of motivation which she calls fear. Additionally she has urinary incontinence and sometimes fecal incontinence when straining.
Her baby brother (79) passed away Saturday. I am struggling to try to get her to the funeral in Colorado Springs. She requires assistance with almost everything and we do not have family or additional support. I am her primary caregiver and I work full time. I am already burnt out. I don’t think I can manage it. Any suggestions?
Have you looked into services like Visiting Angels? I use them for my 97 and 100 yr old aunties as a companion who they really like a lot and I've been very pleased with her. The people who work for VA are usually vetted and experienced. Maybe you can hire them for this single event. If your mom (or you) don't have the financial means for something like this then I don't really know what other options you have. My mom and aunts did not attend the funerals of 2 of their siblings. Don't feel bad or guilty if she doesn't get to go. Maybe have someone there video it or take pics to show her after. Maybe have people at the event record video greetings addressed directly to her saying how they missed her but understand. Not perfect solution but better than nothing.
Everyone involved was fine with the arrangement; we even got to catch up a bit with some of the family.
What does she want to do?
Does she have money to throw at the problem?
When is the funeral?
Say, just to think it through, that she is in despair at the thought of failing to attend and has ample money to cover all expenses. Then, let no one say "impossible!" Where there's a will (and money) there's a way. Suitably qualified escorts can be hired, her travel needs can be accommodated, there are hotels in Colorado Springs, and so on. All - or rather "all" - you need do is manage the project. You don't even have to go.
But if she is in two minds about it, or money is tight, or to be honest if no one had told her about her brother she'd never have thought to ask... If, for any number of reasons, her attendance at this funeral would be an impractical empty gesture, then get in touch with your uncle's family, ask what tributes are being invited, make your mother's apologies, and request that they send her an Order of Service and a copy of any eulogy.
And don't worry! You can only do your best. Anyone who wants to give you a hard time about it is free to come and see if they can do better, no?
Um, just by the bye. That "mostly due to lack of motivation which she calls fear." I know it's only an aside but it is a revealing one, which makes me agree that you are singeing if not actually burned out. What sort of additional support - in the everyday, not just related to the funeral - might help?
For a senior with medical issues to not be able to travel cross country is certainly understandable. I know that I wouldn't expect it at all. Is she okay with it?
If you will need wheelchair assistance, keep in mind that there are more people who need help than there are staff to help them. So you may be left waiting a long time before someone comes to help you. When my mom flies down here & uses wheelchair assistance, it takes 20-30 minutes after everyone else has grabbed their bags, for the staff to bring her down to the baggage claim. On our way home this last trip, we were seated by the counter at the gate and as a plane was arriving, I heard the gate attendant complaining that she had 11 passengers with wheelchairs on that flight. She called over the loudspeaker for assistance and then I heard her telling someone that the last she needed help, no one came. Once the passengers were off, they brought an airport shuttle thing (like a golf cart but for people) to transport the people with wheelchairs and rollators and guess what? Some of the people weren’t cooperative and refused to get off their rollators and ride on the shuttle. They wanted to be pushed on their rollators by staff who also carried their baggage. All of them had carry on suitcases they needed/wanted staff to carry and all I can say is, they were held up there for over 30 minutes and they were still there when we had to get up and go to another terminal after our gate changed.
unless your 88 year old incontinement and mostly immobile mother can afford a private plane and 2-3 full time caregivers, my vote is a big NO.
When my Mom died, we "Live Streamed" the funeral service and had several DVDs of the funeral made that I sent to family members who were unable to attend Mom's funeral.
I agree that your Mom should not fly to Colorado Springs. Her health is not good enough for her to tolerate all of the stress (physical, emotional and mental) that occurs when flying.
I think that you should go to your Uncle's funeral and then bring a DVD home with you that you and your Mom can watch together.
I use to fly on a regular basis, thus my screen name, but in today's world fahgettaboudit. It is not the same.
Re-read what worriedinCali had written about her experience. Add to the list, you need to get to the airport 2 to 3 hours ahead of your flight..... there are long lines at TSA security checkpoint, and if Mom starts to fuss and not cooperate, she will not be allowed to fly as Mom will be wand scanned since a wheelchair cannot go through the metal detector. If the scanner indicates something, then Mom will need to be patted down.... go to the TSA website for more information, and to see what is allowed in your carry-on bags, no you cannot carry a water bottle from the non-secured area to the secured area.
Now, let's talk about climate change and what it has to do with plane travel. I have heard too many times on TV and from people I know who have recently traveled by plane about how a plane will hit an air pocket and drop down thousands of feet, scaring the heck out of everyone. this is happening more and more.
Give me train travel any day :)
The key, though, is does she want to go? If the answer is yes, then stock up on Depends and speak with her doctor to ask if there's anything special you need to do to help her.
Most flights are relatively short these days.
Talk to the airline. They are very accommodating. They will provide wheelchair assistance, even if she doesn't typically need a wheelchair. They'll take you through security, take her onto and pick her up at in the airplane, take you through the airport, make bathroom stops, and help you find your luggage (be sure to tip them).
Get a hotel that is accessible. Make all the plans ahead of time so there are few surprises.
Your mother will never get another chance to say goodbye to her brother. She should have this chance, if at all possible.
Listen to your gut.
I would involve your mother as much as possible with picking out and sending flowers to the service and a card (Mass card if she is religious) to the family. There have been other wonderful suggestions as far as pictures and contact with other family members but I would NOT attempt to put her on a cross country flight.