Mother is 100.9 years old and lives in a nursing home. She broke her hip, had surgery and went into the nursing home at age 98.2. She now eats very little and has mild dementia. It was suggested that if I enroll her in Hospice, she would qualify for more services to improve the quality of her life even though death is not imminent, so I did so.
My older sister has had an extremely contentious relationship w/Mother and the rest of the family for many years. She does not communicate with any family members including son and granddaughter. She was told when Mother went into nursing home almost three years ago and since then has been to visit approximately 3 times. Cards on birthdays and holidays are sporadic and mostly non-existent. She has not reached out to me, her younger and only sibling, to inquire about Mother's health until a few weeks ago. At that time it was a text "so, how's Ma". I told her if she really wanted to know, she should come visit, which she did. Apparently, when she was there, she noticed on Mother's calendar when the Hospice nurse signed in. After the visit I rec'd a text asking about it. I confirmed, that yes I had done that.
Now I have rec'd several text messages from her irate because I did not let her know and telling me I have no right to judge her interest in our Mother's care or well-being. Well, I am not judging. In my life experience when someone is interested in anything, they make time to visit, call, inquire, etc. which is NOT what has happened in this case. She didn't contact Mother by phone or visit when she was well and it's the same now.
If Mother had a diagnosis of imminent death, she would be contacted; just as she was when Mother broke her hip.
I guess I am looking for any input that folks may have or experience with similar situations. I am now feeling guilty about this, which is of course just what she wants...
I completely understand the challenges that come with doing this, but think about being a caregiver in general. Every single aspect of it, whether they are in your home or a facility, the caregiver sacrifices a lot their own time, their life, themselves all for what is best for the person they are caring for. This is just another layer of that exact same thing that we do as caregivers. Many things as caregivers are extremely difficult and we learn to adapt in some way over time. This will be just another adjustment for you but I assure you in the end you will know you did the right thing by not making the decision, not controlling the situation and one of 2 things will come of this: either they will spend time together, which will leave nothing possibly you could be blamed for OR you open the door, step out of the way and the sibling remains absent and doesn't take the opportunity to make what of the situation whatever it could be, and in which case you did everything you could and yet again nothing possibly could be blamed on you- this is ALL on the sibling who chose this. It will give you a freeing feeling, believe me. There's enough caregivers carry heavily on their shoulders, that doesn't have to be another one, so allow yourself to let the sibling carry this decision, this accountability, the choice but you can know you did the right thing for your parent as a caregiver and also a their child. Let yourself feel good about that, caregivers don't get many situations where that's an option. I highly recommend you give this one to yourself. 💜
THE END
I jumped up, went to my brother who was still on his phone talking in another room to the other brother who just ripped out my mother's heart. I grabbed the phone from my brother and verbally vomited many years of anger I had suppressed that he caused mother. But the last thing I said to him was that since he just had found it unnecessary to visit mother at Christmas or any other time of year, didn't call her except 2 times throughout the years, wouldn't do video chat despite her continually asking to see his.face because she missed it so much so I informed him that since he just couldn't manage to find time or see the importance, make her a priority while she is alive and remembers him, could still recognize him then I wanted to make very clear that taking that all into consideration then he needed to know that if he couldn't squeeze in time she'd requested when she's alive then he need not expect to be expected nor welcome to bother himself to come back when she dies because it's only HER who wants to see him or anything to do with him and to come after she's gone is just too late and not necessary for him to bother himself. If he can't do it at her request then don't bother to come for some type of closure or to appear to others at the services that you've been any sort of presence in her life when you haven't even been a mere fixture. I gave the phone back to my brother and had to go outside to calm down so I didn't upset mother more than she was already. We hadn't spoken since and my hatred for him filled me up completely. I had even said to others that after mother was gone, in many years, I would have nothing to do with him I was done with him and disgusted with how deeply he had hurt her. Well, unexpectedly 5 weeks and 3 days ago I suddenly lost my mother. I just lost my whole life, my entire world, my person, my everything and I was more lost than I've ever been in my life. Surprisingly, I can't say I forgot it but I was certainly able to put all that hated for him aside and reach out to him to let him know what happened. He was noticeably upset, which is unusual since I've wondered almost my entire life if he even had a heart? But I could actually hear true emotion in his voice, which made me know that I had done the right thing by letting down my guard, not letting my anger keep him from coming one last time, I was so glad I didn't take that away from him regardless how much he broke mother's heart. I think she would've been equally as crushed had he not been there to see her for the last time and maybe make his own peace or whatever he needed to do. But I didn't want to live with knowing I took that from him which.is something he would never have the chamce to do ever again.
Now, had he not shown up then that would've been on his own conscience to live with for the rest of his life. But I knew the decision I made was exactly how my mother raised me to be and I knew she would be proud of not being selfish.
I know it took a lot to get to my point. But one thing I have learned is while you can't force those siblings who are distant to be more present (like they should). It is so aggravating to deal with them, believe me I know, but if you make to call to not inform them of any chamges, even the insignificant ones, it will open the door for you to be on the receiving end of their projection claiming you are the reason why they are not able to be there. Also, their sad and hurtful decision to be absent is on them so let it remain that way. By you reducing yourself to their behavior and letting your own feelings make the call instead of keeping the door open & encouraging the sibling and parent to have the relationship they choose, then you are truly doing what's best for your parent even though it's very difficult to find a way to bite your tongue.
I was my mother's sole full-time caregiver for the last 10 years with one brother 3 houses down from mother's house and the other brother is 17 hours away. It wasn't necessarily received well that mother had chosen me to be her caregiver several years before after we had been through a very emotional experience with her mother, my grandmother, together (she & I without the brother's presence). She.was specific about wanting to be cared for in her home or mine until the end unless she became a danger to herself. So in my attempt to keep any peace possible, I emailed, in great detail after every appointment so they were not left out for several years. My thought was if I included them maybe their issues and angst towards me might lessen. The brother who was 17 hours away only came back for Christmas & only called on her birthday & Mother's day, the other one who was 3 houses down, despite havimg to pass the house to come and go anywhere only popped in about once a month. But on the rare occasion that conversations between us occurred I began to notice as I would mention some reference to a previous email about mother. Over time I began to realiize neither one was reading the emails, which completely infuriated me to no end after the criticism, judgement, disrespect and disregard for me but more so for mother's own decision which was taken out on me. So I stopped informing them of details. Eventually, after 5 years for reasons that were never determined the brother who was 17 hours away stopped coming home for Christmas, which completely devastated my mother and as always I was the only one who was there to listen to her son, comfort her,.watch her heart break, question herself and wonder what she did wrong in raising him to make him feel like not coming home knowing one day she may not remember him as well as one day she'd be gone. Over the last 5 years of this I became more and more resentful about this and was so filled with hatred towards him that on those 2 times a year he bothered to call I just handed the phone to mother and didn't speak to him.
About a year ago for some reason he was coming back for Christmas which I didn't tell mother until it was absolutely confirmed because I was not going to put her through the rollercoaster of emotions. She was beyond over the moon, it was all she talked about for the week leading up to his arrival. The day he was supposed to arrive, we were all waiting and mother was just fidgeting with excitement about getting to see him finally because she missed him terribly! We waited and waited...then my other brother got a call from my oldest who should be walking through the door any moment. He was calling to say that they just didn't think they were going to be making it this year. Now, they didn't JUST decide this or come to this conclusion at that very moment, for which he didn't bother to even offer an explanation. I'm pretty sure there was an indication when they didn't pack the day before, put gas in the car, or any other preparation one typically does prior to going out of town. But let's just say they were gambling with time and going to wait until the very last minute to do all that. So, ALL DAY while they sat watching TV, which was when they would be driving, this was surely now evident that they had made the decision not to come. Yet he waited until dinner time, the time he should be arriving, to think about taking a second to remember he should call to tell us that nope, after all he's just not going to make it. To say I completely lost my shit on him is the understatement of our entire relationship. (Pardon me if I offended anyone). When I normally go to great lengths to avoid him, while I was comforting my mother who was openly sobbing now, I couldn't contain myself any more. I calmly told mother I'd be right back, kissed her on the cheek and said we'd get through this.
Continued...
Once my parents moved into our home, Dad wanted no parts of my two siblings and forbid me to contact them or let them in our house. I promised both my parents I would never put either of them in a facility and I lived up to my promise. I was happy to take care of my Dad and spend time with him, and also to be able to do something for HIM at a time in his life when he needed it. He was placed on hospice care in August 2017 although it was only so that he received daily care, not so much end of life care. He passed away at the end of September. I asked my Dad if he wanted to see anyone, and he emphatically said NO. I respected his wishes and he was surrounded with our family when he passed. I did contact my two siblings when he passed, and they showed up at his funeral with their kids who hadn't seen my Dad in over a year. That was the last time my Mom and I saw any of them. I have no guilt because I respected my parents wishes and kept my promises to them. My siblings have no closure and they never will. They didn't so much as call me when they knew what my Dad was going through. I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could for my Dad and he was taken care of every single day, and I was there beside him.
You should do what your heart tells you to do. If your siblings don't make a point of participating in your Mother's life, that is a choice they are making for themselves. An occasional text or card is not participating in someone's life. If you are your Mother's primary caregiver and decision maker, your focus should be on what's best for your Mother and making sure you are there for her, not rebuilding broken relationships with siblings who haven't done that for themselves.
Once my parents moved into our home, Dad wanted no parts of my two siblings and forbid me to contact them or let them in our house. I promised both my parents I would never out either of them in a facility and I lived up to my promise. I was happy to take care of my Dad and spend time with him, and also to be able to do something for HIM at a time in his life when he needed it. He was placed on hospice care in August 2017 although it was only so that he received daily care, not so much end of life care. He passed away at the end of September. I asked my Dad if he wanted to see anyone, and he emphatically said NO. I respected his wishes and he was surrounded with our family when he passed. I did contact my two siblings when he passed, and they showed up at his funeral with their kids who hadn't seen my Dad in over a year. That was the last time my Mom and I saw any of them. I have no guilt because I respected my parents wishes and kept my promises to them. My siblings have no closure and they never will. They didn't so much as call me when they knew what my Dad was going through. I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could for my Dad and he was taken care of every single day, and I was there beside him.
You should do what your heart tells you to do. If your siblings don't make a point of participating in your Mother's life, that is a choice they are making for themselves. An occasional text or card is not participating in someone's life. If you are your Mother's primary caregiver and decision maker, your focus should be on what's best for your Mother and making sure you are there for her, not rebuilding broken relationships with siblings who haven't done that for themselves.
My question is ... what did she do for your mom's 100th? - did she show up/send a card/ignore it - her level of participation/
respect then should not exceed what info she gets now
So basically take a page from her book in what level to include her & if she is a drama queen [as I suspect] then proceed with caution - tell her quite frankly that she will be kept in the loop at the same level as she has shown interest etc in past & only if/when you have the time as your time is being spent helping mom
Let her get off her fat behind & come to visit if she wants to know how mom is doing - send out an occational group email to the whole family & include her but nothing special because she is feeling guilty however she is doing nothing other than annoy you about being in real contact - inform staff that she might call & is to be given info [ask them to record & inform you about these calls] when she calls
I don’t mean to be insensitive to your suggestion that “death is not imminent,” but at 100 there are fewer days ahead than behind. Your sister has known this since your mother was in her 80’s. She’s understandably feeling guilty as time passes and she loses her opportunity for closure on their relationship, however strained. That’s natural. Whatever their situation, a maternal bond exists, as does your sister’s wish that their relationship had been better. But she can’t go back. And with the onset of dementia, their ability to connect may be gone as well.
Don’t let her guilt become yours. I have an absent sibling as well. I know that on some level, he is jealous of the closeness I have with my parents in my role as a caregiver. He almost regresses when he visits to the point of a spoiled brat. It’s obvious he’s struggling, but he’s not my responsibility. Our parents are.
You’ve done as best you can by your sister, especially given her lack of interest. Do yourself a favor and only communicate via email. That way, things can’t get misconstrued. And, it deprives her of a chance to manipulate you. If you give her the contact numbers, she can be responsible for how much information she gets. Make clear to caregivers that she is an “information Only - not decision-maker” family member, and be done with it.
We all have fewer days ahead than behind, as well. Make the most of them by only surrounding yourself with things and people that add joy to your life. Your sister needs to sort out her issues for herself.
Probably 90% of the time only one sibling winds up taking care of their parent(s) when they become ill. Most of the time they don’t communicate with the caregiver except when it benefits them or they start feeling guilty and they can’t handle it. Then they try to make you feel guilty. Don’t allow it to happen to you. Ignore her texts or better yet block her number if you get upset by her texting or calling you.
Take care of yourself and feel good about what you have done for your mother. 🥰
My husband thinks I should apologize so there's peace in the family. When I ask him what I've done that requires an apology, he says it's just to keep peace. And, what about next time my brother gets his panties in a bunch because he doesn't get his way? Do I need to apologize again? No thanks. I will not be an enabler for his bad behavior. However, if something is going on with our Mom that should be relayed, I would tell all my brothers as I am the primary contact.
I'm really sorry that you (and the rest of us who are dealing with sibs) have to go through this on top of the stress of care giving. At least you know you're not alone and maybe that will provide some comfort. Best to you.
We have a pretty good idea of how our siblings are. We grew up with them.
My older brother was always secretive. I am talking about long before my parents were seniors. I often babysat his kids.
When others babysat my kids, which he never reciprocated with my children and I didn’t expect him to, just saying... I would always let the person watching my kids know where I was, how they could contact me, how long I would be away and so forth.
My brother on the other hand ran off and eloped while I had his kids! His kids, ages 10 and 5 actually had a hard time dealing with a surprise stepmom.
The confusing part was that everyone in the family liked his lady friend. They were already living together so I don’t get why it was a big secret to begin with. Just weird!
Here’s the thing though. Sometimes our siblings want us to reveal everything to them. They don’t reveal anything to us of pertinence. So, it gets complicated. Everyone has to do what feels right in their hearts. So, I guess what I am saying is the secrets are on both sides. Lack of communication is on both sides.
May you have peace and may mom be pain free and at peace as well in her dwindling days on this earth.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Maybe I will start a new post about people dying that are part of an estrangement in their lives.
They removed themselves and then wonder why we don’t view them as we once did. Well, duh! They no longer have a close relationship because they distanced themselves from us, not the other way around. Are we supposed to feel awkward and force a relationship? It’s odd.
So true ... don’t you wish it led to helpfulness!!!
You have nothing to feel guilty for. Let yourself believe that —-I stopped posting here after being taken to task by more than a few non caregiver siblings with an ax to grind. I read for advice as the caregivers here are a font of helpful info but the adult children who are not involved in their parents care can be vicious.
I’ve been my mother’s sole caregiver for 15 years in my home after I spent a year taking care of my dad in my home on hospice. I won’t give you all the gory details as I’m sure you have many of your own. I’ve swallowed my resentment for 15 years since I have 2 siblings.. Mother’s Day just came and went and no one called .. sent a card... stopped by .. nothing.
I have husband with guillan barre ...4 kids ... 2 grands .. and I am my mother’s 24/7 365 caregiver .. she’s in wheel chair .. incontinent .. sight impaired and early stage dementia.
I asked .. I begged .. I cried ...one is local one is not ... I’m sorry ... I wasn’t going to do the details ... got me in trouble here last time ..
long story still long now that we are closer to the end of these last 18 years (failure to thrive at this point) one of them has called DCFS on me...accused of financial exploitation of elderly... I brought them every document for every penny of my parents savings , investments etc. All intact to the penny ... try that for a punch in the gut. If I pass them in the street I would do just that ... pass them ...Sum total of communication in the last 2 years was a Facebook message to my grown daughter staying “ why was I not notified that “my” mother has a UTI. She’s had at least 10 in last 2 years ....I’m sorry for the length but I send you blessings and please please do not feel guilty ... you are the one who should know she was there for her mother in need as am I.
Anyway, you owe your sister nothing - you are a better person than me because I am not sure I would even let her know of "imminent death".
One of the best answers yet! Yes, inform NH to contact siblings. You have enough to deal with. Let the NH speak to them. No more stress concerning sibs for you!
They may or may not see the entire situation in a different light if they hear about your mom from someone (a professional) other than you. My brothers are insulting to me and treat me like I am a dummy because I am a woman, not a smart man like them, even though I am the caregiver for mom on a daily basis.
They could also ask the NH any questions that they have and feel more involved if they became inclined to do so. Worth a shot!
As everyone on here knows, life is a cycle and as you near the end of life, one goes back to infant stages and how things were the first 10 years of life. I know my care for my mom will get harder and harder since it is easier to take care of a 5 year old then a 2 year old.....and the most needs to be done for a One week old. I'm sure you get the idea. Things don't get easier as someone ages........it all gets harder. Once we prepare for that we are much more ready for the future. The other thing to remember is how you might have had a 9 year old and you said to friends...."my daughter will NEVER act like that as a teenager, we are too good of friends and she tells me everything." That is most often not the case. Learn from others on here. Take the advice that seems right for you and leave behind all the BS and people who just want to make things harder for you. Supposedly we want to support each other on here.
Two months ago, my mother had not one, but two strokes. I had not been told about this by my truly evil brother. My mother realizes that if I had known about this development, the absolute minimum I would have done is send her a card; that I would have definitely arranged to visit and to help. She finally realized that my brother is one vengeful man,.
The reason why my mother and I am now in touch is that my mother finally realizes that my brother is a truly evil man who can not be trusted, who is completely self-centered. I don't think she realizes that, in an act of self-protection, I had to go no-contact with her as well as my brother.
Do you have a responsibility to contact estranged family when there has been a major worsening of their parent's condition? Definitely. You don't have to call the estranged family member. You can send the estranged person a letter--that's good enough.
You acted badly towards your sister. Your sister is justifiably angry at you. You owe your sister a formal letter of apology.
Your sister's "relationship" with your mother is her business. If she was so concerned, she could have called the nursing home and asked for updates on the woman who birthed her. But she didn't do that. It sounds to me that your best reply to her is something like "Sister dear, here's the number to the nursing home."