My mom had a hospital stay after a pancreatitis flare up and is weak, mostly from laying in a hospital bed for a week. Having arthritis in her knees makes things even worse so she’s currently on 24/7 care and she may or may not improve. She’s 83. I live next door, am married, have a child and grandchildren. I have been staying with my mom at her house for the past week but I am so homesick. I realize this probably sounds silly but I miss my husband. He does come over after work to eat with us and hang out for a bit but it’s not the same. I know if I asked mom to stay with me she may feel the same way I do now. Even though my dad has passed and there’s no one there to miss except the cat, it’s still her home. What should I do?
Also, there’s no other caregivers. I have two brothers but they don’t even call her .
Please speak to your mother about how you feel. I would speak to your husband about this first. Would he be on board with her staying in your home?
Have you thought about further on down the road? If she continues to need help, have you considered looking into possibly selling her home to finance her living in a facility?
You could resume your life in your home and choose to be her advocate while she is cared for by a professional staff.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
” Mom , in order for me to care for you , you need to come stay at my house for now , then we will see how things go . “
This leaves the possibility of her returning home . It also leaves the possibility of her going to a facility if at some point that is necessary .
Think about the future. If she moves in you will be her 24/7 caregiver, especially if she loses more of her mobility. Your husband and immediate family are your priority. Your Mom needs to accommodate this reality.
Are you her PoA? If not, this would be a must-have condition for her to move into your home or be her primary caregiver. What are her financial resources like? Can she afford to pay for in-home aids? (If she wants to stay in her house, the majority of her care needs to come from someone other than you).
Even if she gets back to her pre-pancreatitis level of energy and mobility, she's 83 and will only continue to decline. There needs to be a realistic long-term plan for her and it really shouldn't be you. Your husband may be patient now but if your Mom moves in, that could very possibly change once you start orbiting around her and there's not privacy.
Mom own 94-yr old Mom lives next door to me. We have an agreement that when her care becomes overwhelming or she is unsafe there, she transitions to an AL down the road from us (same place where my MIL is in LTC as well).
You have to give up expecting your brothers to help. You can't control them and they get to decide whether they want to orbit around your Mom and their choice is clear. You have a choice, too. I hope you prioritize your husband and immediate family in the the proper order.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help your Mom and make decisions.
Afterthought: is your Mom on any meds for depression? If not, please have a talk with her and her doc. My Mom asked for the lowest dose to try out Lexipro and it has helped her a lot.
If your situation is you live in separate building the baby monitors aren't going to work. So you can hire a 'Sleep Duty' aide who shows up at around 11pm and stays until 7am. Their purpose is to be in the home on the overnight. They are allowed to go to sleep. I did this work myself for a bit and used a baby monitor with the client who was elderly with dementia and mobility issues. I checked her once a night and helped her to the toilet if she needed it. That was it. 'Sleep Duty' aides don't get paid hourly. They're paid by the shift and you don't even have to pay them minimum wage. Hire privately and you'll be fine.
You have options. Your mother doesn't have to stay with you if she doesn't want to. Tell her that it's no longer going to be you living at her house and that she does need someone there.
Do you have any siblings and family? Maybe it could be worked out that the week could be split up so everyone stays a couple nights with her do you don't have to do all of them. Or like I said, try getting an overnight sleep aide for some of the time so you're not on 7 nights a week.
She should have PT so that she is better able to manage on her own if she was prior to the hospitalization.
Now when she gets back from rehab is your house set up so that she can comfortably stay there IF she has to?
And will this be a permanent...forever move? (sounds like it if she can not manage on her own. And if that is the case will your husband be alright with her living there for the next 1,3, 8, 10 years?)
Or will you and your husband move into her home?
Did she need help before the hospitalization? Have you been helping her so much that she was able to stay in her home safely?
Your mom has reached a stage where she will need more help. You have to pace yourself. When there is help available, such as rehab, take advantage of it. Not only will she get more rehab, she will become more accustomed to working with caregivers other than yourself and you will get rest. Mom may have been in the hospital for a week but I suspect you’ve been on a treadmill for at least two weeks now.
A precedent gets set. You have to be careful or your life with your family will be forever altered and not in a good way. I would not move mom into my home. I would hire a caregiver that mom would pay for. The fact that she has a room ready for her in your home and she lives right next door makes me worry for you.
Who decides when mom no longer needs 24/7 care? If she is supposed to see her doctor in a few days to be released, ask him to order home health for her to keep an eye on her and help her with baths and her meds.
Actually, you should call the hospital discharge back and tell them she would like to go to rehab after all. It’s the best thing she could do for her future mobility. And I like pt and ot follow up care AFTER rehab. It needs to be a part of her life going forward.
Mom has to fight for her mobility not for her life as an invalid. It is hard work but so worth it. Don’t enable her to give up. Remember you are helping her. It has to be on your terms. These are defining moments for you and your family. Wishing you well.
Can you not just walk right back to your house any time you want to to spend time with your husband/family? Like when mom is napping or just sitting watching TV?
You do know that you can just place some inexpensive security cameras around her home, and keep an eye on her from the comfort of your own home without having to be there 24/7 right?
You seem to be making this harder than it has to be, and I hope that you'll come up with some smarter solutions sooner than later.
I never thought of cameras. That’s a great idea.
My parents living with me or me living with them 24/7 even temporarily was never an option . When my mother got out of rehab after a stroke she tried to sit back and let everything be done for her . Even my Dad got lazy and sat back while I did everything after he got exhausted from Mom. I made Mom get up from her chair to get her pills in the kitchen etc . She wanted everything brought to her .
The only time I ever brought Mom home to stay with us , it was temporary for emotional support after my father died. It didn’t last long . Secretly I was also looking at it as a trial run to see if we could have her come stay because she had dementia . My mother said she didn’t like our “ habits”. Lol. She asked to go back home . She was OCD and our schedule and the way we lived didn’t align with hers. So she went back home for a year until she she got worse and I was finally able to get her removed from her home. It’s a good thing I didn’t have her live with us after all . She was unmanageable at home .
I would not move Mom in permanently. You have the advantage of her living next door. Are u living with her 24/7? or just at night. If she has the money, do what Burnt suggested get an aide. Getting her into rehab or getting her in home PT will help you determine what she is capable of. At 83, she should still be able to care for herself if she is jot debilitated. Do not enable or disable her. If she needs 24/7 care then she needs to go to an AL if she can afford it or LTC with Medicaid paying.
Believe me, once your out on your own the relationship with you parents change. You are no longer their little child you their adult child with a life and experiences of your own. Yes, you and Mom got along great while you were growing up and even as adults, but its very hard to live together after years of being your own person.
You should ask for recommendations from some of their current clients, what the rate of pay is. You would need to discuss how often your mother might need assistance, how many hours a week, transportation to/from appointments, shopping, etc.
Good luck.
At the point you take your mom into your own home it is likely to be forever.
I am certain you know that.
If that's your plan it's time to make room for Mom and kitty and make the move it sounds to me.
Otherwise, you need to gradually withdraw and return to your own life with some support, or you will inable her descent into neediness.
What I am saying here is that I see handwriting on the wall indicating mom may need permanent care sooner rather than later. It's time you, hubby and your Mom get together and talk about that.
When/if you move her in you need to get a care contract and POA right away. Mom should have shared living expenses at your place. Her own home could be rented out for added income to provide that. It should provide hope and comfort to her that her home is right next door and can be managed and watched over.
Best wishes whatever decisions you make for the present and future.
Hope you'll update us.
Your husband has no issues with her moving in NOW. But how will he feel when the two of you have no privacy? When you can't leave without getting a sitter for her? When her sickroom smells and supplies are all over the house? When you become more loyal to mom than to him, such as he asks you if the two of you can go to a movie and and a night on your own, but you have to say, "Mama is so tired from her doctor appointment today, I can't leave because I need to be nearby to bring her food, dinner, clean Depends, and what if she gets a stomach ache and I'm not there?" and so on.
If you move mom in, you'll still miss your home, because it won't be YOUR home anymore.
Hopefully she doesn’t slip.
You might be surprised at how well your mom does with rehab in a facility. Sure, it’s hard work but my mom had Parkinson’s and she was able to do the exercises. She had a great attitude and put in the effort to get better.
She made friends in rehab. I giggled when I saw that little old ladies were rolling their wheelchairs as fast as they could to catch up to her to say goodbye when she was being discharged from rehab. I smiled when they said how much they admired my mother for working so hard. They encouraged each other. It was so sweet.
My mom was in her 9O’s when she went to a facility for rehab. Just like your mom, she was used to being at home with us. She adjusted well to rehab and her strength and balance improved.
She relied on her walker but wasn’t bed bound until shortly before she died in an end of life hospice care home.
I loved my mom and wanted her to be comfortable but I also wanted her to have the best care. I am sure that you want the same thing for your mom.
Many times I have said that I caused my mother to become overly dependent upon me because I placed her needs above everyone else.
Naturally, I became exhausted and missed out on things with family and friends too.
Guess what my mom ended up telling me afterwards. She said, “Honey, I am so sorry that you sacrificed so much of your life for me.” She thought that she would disappoint me if she turned down my offer to help her.
After giving my situation much thought and spending time with a therapist I came to realize that I created an unhealthy codependency with my mother. Too much togetherness with a parent isn’t good for either of you.
Let me tell you that if I had the chance to do things all over again. I would do everything so differently.
Allowing others to help doesn’t mean that we don’t care. It means that we care enough to reach out for help when needed instead of burning out. It means that we value ourselves and everyone in our lives, including our parents.
Our parents are our parents. They are not our children. It was our responsibility to raise our children but did we hesitate to place them in daycare or preschool? No, we didn’t.
The longer these things go on, the harder it becomes to disengage. Trust me, I am speaking from personal experience.
Oh, some people will say that they would do everything all over again and that they don’t have any regrets. If that’s how they feel, then they made the correct choice for themselves.
As for me, I don’t believe in lying to myself. It’s important to acknowledge our feelings and not apologize for them.
If we cannot be honest with ourselves, then how can we possibly be honest with others. Being the primary caregiver for my mother was not the best choice for myself, my family or my mom.
Like your husband, my husband and family were supportive and understanding of my decision to care for my mother but I know that deep down they missed having me in their lives. We matter just as much as the person that we are caring for.
Please don’t repeat the same mistakes that I did. I am sure that your mother loves you just as mine loved me and she would like for you to be happy in all areas of your life.
We will all become old one day and possibly need help. I have already told my children that I will never expect them to sacrifice their lives for mine. The greatest gift that they can give to me is to live their lives to the fullest.
Wishing you and your family all the best. Get additional help. Perhaps look at some facilities for the future. Jump in, the water is fine. You will be a wonderful advocate for your mom when she enters a facility.
I love this website so much. Thank you to everyone who answered my question. I feel so lost. There’s no guidebook for caring for parents. Every single one of you had amazing , helpful advice.
It’s crazy , I really was waiting on mom hand and foot , she was waking me three times a night all week to help her up to get to the bathroom. So today I told her she needed to stay with me. It was for the best. At least until she got better. Not long after that conversation she got up herself from her nap and fixed her own sandwich and was sweeping the floor!!
My mind was blown!! To think I was making her worse by helping too much!! I’ve backed off the rest of the day and I see my independent mom showing up a little.
Agsin, Thsnk you all so much.
There is no instruction book . Which is why you receive different answers based on our different experiences .
And good for your Mom getting going . As we said another person might have decided they were going to sit back and live with you and you be a servant , which is the scenario we warned about .
Good that you said up front it was temporary coming to your house in case it didn’t work out .
Good Luck to you and Mom!