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I will never understand why familys split apart when caring for there mother. I am at a lost how to deal with my current situation. My mother is requiring more care and supervision involving her care. I have been the primary in her care. setting up the VA benefits and finding her home health care because they are against placing my mother in assited living. I have been trying to set a plan in place when my mom needs to go to a home,but all they do is tell me I am being controlling but yet they dont want to help I am the youngest of 5 siblings. I am so overwhelmed.

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This is the way I approach such things ....
!. What do the Doctors say ?
2. What is best for the patient ?
3. Can I do this ?, If not , find another plan and ask the same questions.
In the end you need the satisfaction of knowing you have done your very best . With this in your heart , it won't matter what anyone else thinks .
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dear trying My heart breaks for you. I do not know if you read my comment back in the beginning, however I want to say that somehow some way you need to get a thick skin..I am THE most sensitive person in the world...I am also the youngest. Both parents came to me for care. I got support from one sister who lived several states away. One sister wanted nothing to do with anything and the other just wanted to control from the other side of the country. I just lost both parents within 2 months of each other. I am reeling and grieving. Not only did i do virtually everything for them, but had to handle the funerals, burials, etc....what do i get? Innuendos that i was dishonest. Accusations accusations accusations. I am a person of honor. DO THE RIGHT THING! you will have NO regrets. that is what i can say to encourage you. There probably is nothing worse than having regrets of shoulda coulda woulda. If you can just document everything with a paper trail..i didn't...but my sisters were warned ahead of time that i am no bookkeeper. I would have done that differently. Just do what you know in your heart is the right thing...to repeat...people who ain't in the trenches don't get a vote. Get tough!
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I'm in the same situation. I'm the youngest and I'm the healthcare POA, although I don't want to be. But neither of my sisters will step up to do it - although I offered to pay for attorney's fees. They have very strong opinions about what should be done with Mother, but they don't want the responsibility of making the decisions - they just want to complain about everything. We've tried family meetings - the eldest sister won't come and the middle sister is combative. My brother and I mostly agree, but he doesn't want to be involved, either - in fact, he moved away so he wouldn't have to be involved. It's so frustrating and depressing.
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I always hate it when family doesn't want their loved one to go to an assisted living. I worked at one for 10 years, 5 of those I did the marketing. I worked with families a lot. AL is not jail nor is it death. Our residents were very active and a giving part of the community. Several of our ladies worked on quilts for Project Linus, they mentored high school kids. They "adopted" a college basket team. (Their coach said he was building men, not just a team.) They have a book club, card clubs, men's breakfast club and assist with fund raising projects. ( A trivia night for United Way.) In 10 years, not one person said to me, "I wish I had never moved here." Assisted Living can be the best thing all the way around.
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Caregiving for an aging parent can be enormously stressful, especially when the bulk of the caregiving falls on you and your siblings' main contribution is to "Monday morning quarterback" or criticize the decisions you've made. You don't mention whether your mom is cognitively intact or cognitively impaired. In my experience as an elder care mediator, I've found that families really benefit from a family meeting. While having your mother's Durable Power of Attorney is really important, and will give you the legal right to make decisions on behalf of your mom if she is unable to do so, having a POA doesn't not mean an end to the criticism. A controlled family meeting, where everyone gets to express their concerns, propose solutions and participate in making a plan, tends to quiet criticism. If your mom is able, she should participate in that meeting and be given full opportunity to express her own wishes and concerns. If you are concerned that a family meeting would spiral out of control, seek the help of someone outside the family who can be a neutral facilitator (someone with experience and training) whether a clergy member, a mediator or other trained facilitator. It may also be really helpful either to bring your mom's doctor to that meeting (or bring the meeting to the doctor) or to enlist the services of a geriatric care manager who can evaluate your mom's needs and help guide the family to a logical and effective plan that will work best for your mom.
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You did not state if you have POA for your Mom;s Health Care or Finances, if you don't...YOU NEED TO GET IT IMMEDIATELY. If you are doing all the caregiving and you are setting up everything then you need to have the ability to carry through legally and have the force of the law behind you.

As of this time I have cared for my mother for 8 years, she is getting worse and her medications barely work...sometimes. She can be verbally abusive, demanding and strong willed which makes it a nightmare to care for her many times. I began having panic attacks and it got so bad I was afraid to be left alone with her and could not listen to any of her criticism because it tore me up. I told everyone I needed help and no one listened until I was sick and they had to stay home from work to help me.

That same day I called an In Home Care Agency because I needed HELP NOW! I had felt that if i could not care for her and no other member of the family could or would care for her, she might have to be placed into a memory facility. We both siblings WHO ARE NOT IN THE TRENCHES, told me that NO MOM DID NOT NEED TO BE IN A FACILITY.....but neither of them can or will be able to care for her. One was very angry over the amount of money it was going to cost to have help and proceeded to yell at me and tell me that I need to pay for the care out of my pocket since it was my problem that I could not handle Mom's worsening condition and that I needed to see a psychiatrist and have him medicate me so I could handle it!
Oh yes, I am serious. She me one month to make myself well and stop the panic and anxiety.

I told her that I would do what I want to do and if she doesn't like it she can stay home and care for Mom and her salary would be zero, just like min. When she blew me off I told her to hire someone to come in and do my job, I don't care it's fine with me! She just tried to level me with verbal assaults...but no panic and anxiety I was too angry!

Bottom line is I have POA's and I can do whatever I feel needs to be done. I listen to both of them, but if they are unreasonable and and unhelpful, well...they get no vote and I will do whatever I have to do to care for Mom.

Unhappy sister told me she was going to find an attorney to go after me because I am wasting Mom's money....She should have said what she really felt...you are wasting my inheritance.
Just to let you know I contacted 6 attorneys and they all said what I am doing is what I am supposed to do and other sister does not have a leg to stand on!!!

This is why I say make sure you have POA or they can kill you in your tracks because they can stop even though they refuse to do what you are doing. They are willing to let you suffer...one attorney told me it is called, "killing the caregiver" and elder law attorneys see it all the time.

Good luck and God bless you, I am right where you are!
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Join the club! I was the youngest of five siblings with nursing experience and they still fought me every step of our mother's declining years. I continued to care for our mother in spite of their bullying, court appearances, allegations, and repeated negative comments. When our mother died, the nursing home called me, even though they were supposed to notify my sister who was the main guardian since my brother had already died. Even though we met the day she died and were civil during her funeral, we are still estranged and that has been 12 years now. So, do what you are going to do for your mother and do not expect everyone to magically get along after she passes. The issues that were there before your mother became ill will not disappear once she passes. My best to you and your mother.
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I found out that all the issues and jealousies through the years that had gone on between my two sisters and me was alive and well when the decision was made to move Mom into my home. Nobody else wanted to do it, but my youngest sister got an attitude even though I had included her in on every decision that was made and constantly asked her advice and for input. I finally had to realize that you cannot please everybody and when you are the main caregiver, you have to make decisions and not allow others make you feel bad or guilty when they just want to complain. Things have gotten better and my sister is a big help but it was really tough when all this first started. Good luck to you!
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Just tell them all when you need a break or when she needs to go to a nursing home that either she goes or each kid gets her for say 3 months each. When they are in charge and she is living with them they can make all the rules and you will not say a word until it's your turn again. She gets to visit and hang out with all her children before she is gone. Tell Mom that it is not because she needs help it's because everyone wants to spend time with her. You can get Power of Attorney for her and give them the money for her bills. Like for food, electric and maybe a little extra if she has for helping her. You can be the head chief but they all get to help.......When they say NO WAY to your plan then you drive her to the nursing home and tell them it was their choice not to help, not yours ,you did your part. That's what I did with my siblings, each one got 3 months. My Dad loved it. We all got to spend time with him before he got to where he needed full time nursing care. I didn't give them a choice, I said this is the months you get him so get ready. I don't think it is fair that one kid has to give up their life and the others don't. It's their parent TOO, and if they are lame it's not our fault, it's our parents fault, they get what they raised. It doesn't matter where they live either, their insurance follows them if something happens in another State.
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The post from pipruby gave me an idea. Hospitals have Discharge Planning. Your Mom's insurance plan has liaison people between them and hospitals and nursing homes/assisted living. See if you can talk to one of them and get ideas regarding how to proceed. They will be most familiar with what the laws are in your area as well as what services are available. In the meantime, if your Mom did need to go to the hospital or ER, you need to ask for help while you are there. Once when my MIL was in ER the Dr. looked at us and asked when we had last had a few days without caring for her. I guess we looked pretty bad because he found a way to keep her there for a couple of days and then based on evaluation by occupational therapists recommended a board and care. He was a lifesaver.
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This is a very hard time for family's in that it is hard for them to except the facts the way they really are? Mom needs care? Many people go into denial and want things to be the same. You need to be the sober one and take charge. Make sure she has the proper insurance and yes I would say you need Power of Attorney. Ask them for help when they except that this is how it is, and tell them you can not do it alone anymore. They may not, and you may have to do it alone. I am doing it alone now, its going to be ok, you have to tell yourself that. Find her a place you know is safe, and she can be happy. Its warring you out and physically you just can not do it, if they don't want to except that then SHAME ON THEM! I hope the best for you I know its hard.
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DebHuit: you don't have to agree to take her back into your home from the ER. Tell them she has now exceeded your ability to provide adequate care for her. Have them contact the sister with POA and let them figure out someplace for her to go.
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Everyone needs to be involved even if its just to make someone aware of what's going on if they love away they are all ur parent and u all need to make a agreement or negotiate if there is a disagreement but never ex lie anyone no mare what ask their opion don't take matters I. Ur own hands no matter what
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I'm sorry that you're going down this road and I know how you feel. First off you are taking on a very big job but an important one of course. People who set back and do nothing seem to have a lot of nerve to fuss and talk bad in the first place.If you have POA good if not then get it quick having full power makes others step back and follow. I could only imagine how it would be if I didn't have it and I'm taking care of my mother. She would have any money at all and she be hurting sure enough cause my sibling would rob her blind. Once you have what give you a mouth piece then stand up and if they want to get in your face about anything tell them to step back and mind there own business. Otherwise just take it bare it until you mother is were you going to place her and if they don't like it then they can move her. Ask her doctor to send her to rehab on a medical temp term if she already there and you can't make the decision then ask the social worker to call a family meeting and require all to attend at that point they will either put up or shut up. If they don't step up get a court order with the help of the state APS they don't just find people that abuse they can also help you get an order from judge to have power over your mother affairs and they will back you if your siblings aren't stepping up to the plate. Now make sure that you make a solid choice when it come to bring her home with you just in case you thinking about that it a lot believe me. Don't expect them to be there either. what ever your going thru it want last always. Take care of your self and keep your self in good health mentally and physically. Shut the door on negative talk don't even entertain it at all. when you don't the best that you can do that all God expect for you to do. Prayer is the key! daily then rejoice knowing this too shall pass.
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go gramchef-best advice I have read.
Trying to get others together-RIGHT????-it doesn't work.

I am an R.N. , one of 6 children & the main one who has always been gone to for advice for my dad-mom passed very young. I over saw my dad's care from AZ. flying back & forth to Chicago to hire, interview & see that my dad was on the correct meds. He passed in his sleep, as he wished to , at home with him wife. All we wanted was nothing but the best for him for we all love/loved him.
Love never stops-
Do what you do & go where you go & listen to all the advice you have been given.
God's speed....l
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Thank you all so much. I am at a loss for words on how appreciative I am for the advice.This has put me at ease. knowing I am doing the best I can do, considering all the dynamics that are involved. Furthermore knowing I am not the only one out there. . I am currently the co -trustee and medical advocate.
I have held meeting made packets for all family members regarding care cost and assisted living facilities on how to care for her . But 3 out of the 5 have just fled living there own lives. Its just my sister and I thank god she is on board now . I am the younger brother of 5 . I guess God has chosen me to care for her.I will always be there for her . Thank you all for giving me the strenght to continue . God strength to all.
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On page 23 of my book, I state: “If they want to weigh in on what the solution should be, they have to participate in the process that leads up to that.” In other words, if you are the one who is providing the care, you (along with your mother) are the decision-makers.
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We (my wife and I) are in a similar situation, but trying to keep her out of a nursing home. She has dementia with the onset of Alzheimer's. She (wife) has been made the representative payee on her pension, temporary guardianship and conservator for her mother, but has had endless battles with her siblings. We felt we had to do this in order to protect her. The best balance is to try and incorporate your siblings to actually participate equally in the care of your mother so that they have clear understanding of her care taking needs. If they have to share in the challenges they will perhaps be more inclined to move her if it is in her best interest. If nothing else you will gain some respite. If this does not work seek some hospice care to help you while she is still in her home.
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Youve gotten really good advice from all postings...the one that sticks out most to me..is if you aint in the trenches, than your vote doesnt count...i'd go as far to say opinions are like.......and we all have one...Do whats necessary for mom and don't allow the objective compromised...Often times, the one screaming the loudest, is the one that has very little involvement..Be respectful, but maintain your assertiveness...And please take a wu saa break when needed...You want to be strong, empowered,and in control....NOT OVERWHELMED...and confide in positive friends and family...Not the haters...God Bless you
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Ahoe Matey, I'm in the same boat with you. Just on a different deck. I have been everything for my mom since our dad passed. I would drop whatever I was doing to take her a 1 and 1/2 to the store. I would jump every time she called and said she just needed me to be there. I spent nights with her. Cleaned house for her. Spent endless hours in ER's every month. It was for everything from a UTI to pneumonia. I had tried to get her a mental evaluation in Sept. and my two sisters came, (one had to drive over 5 hrs) but, they came and brought her home and made me look like a dummy. I had a funeral on the other side of the family. When I got back to check on her, she was lying in bed and couldn't move. She looked like she hadn't moved in two days. I had checked on her around 10 that morning and she had a fall during the night. It would have to happen the night I couldn't stay with her. She told me she was alright and was about to get up and get some breakfast. By late afternoon when I got back to her home and found how she was acting, I had to call EMS. When she got to the hospital, she had a temp. of 106.7, no lie. Her temp. was higher than the person we just buried had at his death. So after six hours of sitting in a straight chair, she was admitted at 3 a.m. They initially could not find why her temp. went so high. Finally they said, "She has a touch of pneumonia".
Imagine a temp. like that and they say "A TOUCH" of pneumonia. So I'm at the hosp. all week with her. Came home twice for bath and clothes. On Sat. my two sisters came in and started running me out of everything. They have her POA's. So they can legally do what they've done. The dr. put mom in a nursing home with orders of assisted living afterward. She doesn't know she's not coming home. Her health care POA is going to have to tell her. After the things they did to me, I refuse to be the one to tell her. She's already having fits to come home. She wants to be in her own home. Sadly, I do agree she is where is needs to be, but my sisters could talk to me. They won't talk to me on line, or on the phone, and they live so far away. But I know your pain. You where the care giver and they're just going to collect what they want to and they are pushing you aside. Some people said you needed to get the POA yourself. Be very sure and very careful before you make that choice. There is a HUGE responsibility that comes with the POA. If the other siblings question anything you do under the POA, they can bring legal charges against you. Go on line and look at what the POA usually includes. I know, with my siblings having the POA, my hands are clean. For me, I'd rather have a clear conscience than know I've treated a family member like dirt. It's either, hands on all responsibilities, or being able to say "I'm not responsible". I sure am sleeping better these days. Good Luck and Be Careful.
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Schedule a consultation visit with your mom's Dr. and the sibs. The Doctor can be the bad guy in this is necessary. They might have a better handle on what's going on with mom if the Dr. explains it. He will give his recommendations on placement and treatment. The first goal is "What's best for mom" If assisted living is best, so be it. They will just have to get on board with it.
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Been there done that. a wise physician once told me "If you ain't in the trenches, you don't get a vote!" Period and I have used that!
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Bless you for taking the lead with your mom! I liked Torij's comments and the POA is really important. I ordered two from Legal Zoom on line, had parents each initial (before a notary at their bank). And I marked the ones I thought would be needed. I ended up handling selling their home, car, etc. what a blessing it has been. Don't delay. If the sibs want you to "do the work" they need to give the means to do what is needed. I have one brother who wants nothing to do with mom or me, so I'm the only one taking care of everything. (we don't know why he disowned us, except that he is an alchoholic and I guess feels judged by us. Not so, tho.). For me, I'm glad I don't have to deal with him, We've not been close since grade school. I hope you get the help and cooperation you need from at least some of your siblings. God bless.
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Try to have your siblings care for your Mom for several days in a row, including perhaps a Dr. visit, and some shopping, or church perhaps. Something where they need to get her to and from and park and walk with her and handle the details. They need to experience the full range of involvement without being able to go back home at night and recover.

If you have the family meeting prepare your side of the "argument" by documenting specific things that you see as the types of events where your Mom would benefit from Assisted Living: meal preparation, dressing, daily engagement with others, medications, etc. Also list recent situations where your Mom has had difficulty and do include how this has impacted your life such as not being able to get out of the house to do things necessary for life - grocery shopping for example. I'm pretty sure your siblings won't accept you saying simply that daily caring for your Mom is getting you down and you need help. They will not accept that.
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I understand a little what you are going through. I am taking care of my mother. My older brother and my father has passed away. My older sister does not want anything to do with taking care of my mother. My younger brother thinks he knows whats best for everybody, but does not want to do what it takes to be a caregiver. He thinks she should be put in a home. Even though there is not enough money to put her in a home, she does not want to go in a home. Therefore, the best advice is what the person suggested above about contacting an attorney. A group meeting with all the siblings is great IF YOU ALL WILL BE ABLE TO AGREE ON THE RIGHT COURSE OF ACTION. Otherwise, it will just create more animosity. My brother and I had a sit down with my mother and it did not work, as of today, we do not talk. When these kind of things happen, (care giving, money, property, etc.) it is very hard to get everyone to agree on the same path that needs to be taken. Good luck to you, and remember that it is NOBODY'S FAULT. It is just a part of life.
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If you feel that you are taking all of the responsibility for your mothers care, you need to get her Durable Power of Attorney. That will allow you to make all decisions with out any interference from any one including other family members. I would tell you to contact an attorney in your state. If money in an issue contact legal aid in your city and ask lots of questions.
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Follow the advice above. Have a meeting and reach an agreement no matter what it is and let the majority decide. Follow Sue Maxwell's advice,
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One lesson that I have learned early in the caregiving game is to make sure that you have those family meetings when things are not so stressful for everyone--it is the first event that has to take place. So I suggest calling in all of the siblings and have that talk. Better yet, try to get someone who can facilitate the discussion so that personalities are taken out of the mix. At that meeting set the goals for your mom's care--write it down as if it were a plan for an organization--be clear about responsibilites as well as who controls the finances and who has the power to make final decisions. This is a time when you all should come to gether as one--I am sure that your mother would want her children to be a team for her care as she really doesn't have the mental or physical ability to make that happen. Put away all of your sibling issues and make this about your mother. Be mature and make sure that mom gets and receives the best possible from everyone. This is not about you it is about the most important ever in your life--your mother! Go and work to make it happen.
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Taking care of your mom is overwhelming enough without having to be on the outs with 4 siblings. That sounds very stressful.

Maybe you are controlling but someone has to be. If you don't take care of your mom who will? Them?

Do you have POA? If not, get it ASAP. If anyone is going to be "controlling" it might as well be legal.

So you are planning for the future for your mom if/when you can't care for her anymore? This is a very good idea. You can tell your siblings that if they don't participate in your mom's care, see what it's like to care for her, then their opinion will be noted but you will still make the decision when the time comes. Easier said than done, I know. But as you said, families break up over stuff like this. If you're caring for your mom day in and day out with little or no respite and would like to move her to a nursing home, if your siblings don't like it then they can figure out a way to care for your mom themselves. There's 4 of them and only 1 of you. It should be a snap for them.

But get that POA.
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