Siblings and caregiving. Any advice?

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Siblings and caregiving. Any advice?

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Sister always has time to relieve her overwhelmed 36-year-old daughter-in-law with her kids, but not me with our 86-year-old homebound mother. I am the 24x7 caregiver while she babysits her grandchildren so her daughter-in-law can have a night out. What about me?

Burnout Family Caregiver Relationships Siblings

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Dont expect a gracious offer of help from siblings....the first day you assume the role of caregiver it ,is yours forever with most sibs on this forum. Yes, you need to state unequivocably that you will be taking a break. 36 year old mommy chose to have her kids....if she needs a night out she can make other arrangements ....Your sis needs a wake up call. If she chooses not to help, then get some extra help for your mom so you can get a break before you crash and burn. Sis can help pay or you may be able to get some respite through your County Aging office...there was a caregiver support program though Federal government at one time.. Worth checking out.

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oh H E double hockey sticks to the NO. Get up and go take a break a long one so they get the hint.

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Love the expression! Double hockey sticks.

I agree with what you say, but if it were so simple OP would have done that already. If OP takes a break, even for one day, her Mom will get into serious medical trouble. The Mom needs 24-hour care. The sister isn't suddenly going to jump in and help. And that's how the cycle continues. OP gets trapped to continue. And I guess no money for hired caregivers. And NHs in the area probably aren't of good quality. Not everyone lives in a city with good quality NHs.

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The best thing my sister and I ever did was to get my mom caregivers. If you live in California and are lower income MediCal IHSS. While waiting for medi cal Del Oro Respite Care gets grant money, the caregivers are free. Look into respite care in your area.
If you can afford caregivers go on care.com
Your sister is moving forward into the future with her family (grandkids).
You need to move forward into yours. Take care of yourself, get caregivers.

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I feel your pain. Been there with the SIL that used the grandchildren excuse. It does not matter how direct, specific or pointed you are she probably still won’t help you. So she can’t stay with mom , can she cook a meal? Can she do a load of laundry? Can she run a few errands? Can she take mom to Dr Appointment? Had she offered any support in lieu of staying with mom support ? She is just not willing to upset her apple cart ANY.

I have to respectfully disagree with the comments that you are choosing this caregivers role. There often many complicated situations with finances and other factors that complicate getting in-home help or placement. This then leaves at-home care as an ONLY OPTION. I don’t think any of us would CHOOSE these complicated and horrendous, thankless caregiving role if there are other OPTIONS available.

I know this because I walked this road and the story is even more complicated and horrendous than what I can down here.

Your sister does not realize that she will still have a relationship with you after mom is gone and is not thinking about your feelings towards her and how you may be very angry with her.

At least you will be able to lay your head on your pillow at night knowing you did the right things.

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Gg

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AngelaP: You cannot control your sister. Let mom pay for some respite for you.

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I can understand your frustration but your sister isn’t obligated to care for your mother. Neither are you. You made the choice to do so and you are the one to decide how much is enough and when it is too much. (Would you want someone else deciding that for you?)

There are other options. Use them if you’ve had enough.

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Your assuming she had a choice.

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Kids come first, so it's advisable to place your mother in an AL. She pays for her own care.

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I think it's less about helping her daughter-in-law to have a night out, and more about your sister enjoying spending time with her grandkids more than heavy caregiving work.

I can relate - I stepped in to help my mom (as a support to my dad) and my brother did nothing useful other than weekly calls or visits every other month. It hurt my feelings that he never asked what he could do to help my parents, help me.

For those that say that YOU can make the same choice - ummm, it's not always that easy? I understand feeling a loyalty & interest in helping a parent that you love. But in the meantime, you're burnt to a crisp. We had an aid come in 3x/week for a few hours and yes it was expensive, but it probably saved our sanity. I strongly recommend having someone come in so you can get out and use your Mom's funds if she has them.

Otherwise, it might be worth considering a placement in AL or SNF. We did that with my Mom a month ago because she was so disabled, my father and I could not care for her. Now the heaviness of the caregiving duties has lifted -- she has a big team helping her. We still go in and visit her every day. It's heartbreaking, but life as a solitary caregiver is heartbreaking, backbreaking and may not be sustainable.

BTW - you also might ask your sister if she would be willing to relieve you or other specific things and see how she responds. If you don't ask, it's clear she won't offer it. If she says no, so be it but at least you know exactly where you stand!

Sending strength! Please get the help you need as soon as possible.

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Grandchildren and mom can't be compared as far as sis doing more for them than for parent. Just won't work that way.

Many folks complain about not getting help from sibs, however unless you've asked for a specific date/time and what you need, you have to understand that most people don't volunteer to help. Be specific and ask sis to do 'this or that' for mom. If there's the chance that sis already said she will NOT participate in mom's care, then you have to accept that. No amount of anger or angst on your part will change how sis feels about participating in the care.

Being a 24/7 caregiver is usually a personal choice. You don't have the heart to place mom in facility care, but other sibs see no problem with it. If this is the case for you, do the best you can. Don't burn your own energy to be angry with others. Use mom's money, if there is any, to pay for in home care to give you a break. Don't try to 'save' mom's money so there is inheritance at the end of her life. Her money is for her care, not for heirs to increase their own bank accts. Plus, if you think you're angry now, if mom has a will designating her estate to all kids equally (or if she has no will, her estate would definitely be split equally), you're going to be angry for the rest of your days when you did all the work and sis got same amount.

Start with specifically what you want sis to do. Ex: Take a week off in July. Give sis the dates and ask for her help. If she says no and has no plans to ever help you, then go to the financial part: Mom doesn't have the funds to pay for in home care and I desperately need a break. Can you pay for in-home care to cover a couple weeks per year for me so I can continue taking care of her? You can hire the help and come by to see how things are going while I'm gone. Or... there is a respite care facility near us that costs $XX per week...can you cover that?

Do not bring up the grandkids in your conversation.

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If you need help you need to speak up. Tell your sister either she relieves you one or two days a month to give you a break or you won’t be doing anything anymore and she can figure it out.

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Well, that ultimatum will go over like a lead balloon. Sis will figure it out as much as she's figured it out up to this point. She won't.

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Perhaps your sister is doing it more for quality Grandma time rather than solely to help her son's wife. Grandchildren need time with their grandparents and vice versa. Everyone has different responsibilities with their own core families which play into their ability to care for elderly parents. Based on the resentment you show, I am guessing you don't have grandchildren, maybe no spouse or children of your own, and perhaps have never had a great relationship with your sister. Whether I'm right or wrong about the relationship, if you want her help, you need to have a conversation about your mom and suggestions of how she could help or other ways you can get relief. She may not be able to and/or not willing to commit to helping. You also need to discuss longer term options for your mom, What happens if you are no longer able to take care of her? If you are not on the same page as often is the case with siblings, then you have to decide whether you want to continue 24X7 care, find a middle ground between your wishes and your sister's suggestions, or supplement your 24X& care with alternatives to give you some relief. As others have suggested, there are likely other ways with outside caregivers, respite care, adult day care centers, etc.

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I feel your pain. I have had relationships with other people & very dearly wished their behavior would be different and it never was. And It won’t be.

it’s normal to feel sorry for ourselves at times, a little bit, but not to dwell on it; just makes us miserable. It hurts our hearts. But because it’s OUR thoughts we’re actually hurting ourselves.

You’ve got to get a little love going on for yourself. dry your tears and find some love somewhere else. get yourself a caregiver to give yourself a break and go hang out with your bestie! (But get the nanny cams first)

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Have you asked your sister specifically? Hey sis , in a couple of weeks , could you come sit with mom ? I am planning to …..

are you asking for a regular commitment?

hire help with moms money.

my SIL and BIL were planning my retirement to be caregiving one day a week ( my husband another day) …it absolutely was not happening.

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If you weren't willing to help BIL and SIL one day a week, or two days between you and hubs, for your own parent - then you should have offered some kind of alternative. Let parent pay for the in home care (if funds available) and you/hubs come by regularly, random times to see how parent doing with the caretaker. Offer something.

If there's a child willing to help parent stay home, whether or not you agree with that decision, HELP YOUR SIBLING. Some sibs say put mom in NH and then refuse to help in any way. Kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop so they can say 'I told you it wouldn't work'. I hope you and the hubs don't have that attitude and try to contribute what you can to help sibling.

Or you tell BIL/SIL if their choice is to care for the parent, you will turn over any inheritance you get to them for the care they provided. Being a caregiver is NOT about the money or inheritance, they do it because it's the only choice they can make from the heart. However, when all is said and done, those who didn't help should ensure the caretaker was appreciated.

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They don’t have to nor do you have to. With that said, you made a choice, so make sure payment, if funds are available, are commensurate with your workload. Otherwise, placement, without guilt, should be considered.

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While I can relate to your sister (am a grandmother with 4 grandbabies born within past 4 years), I found that their parents needed a lot of help during the pandemic. Once a child has a fever (or if another child or teacher at the daycare was exposed/had a fever), the child had to be home for at least a week before returning. Believe me, COVID was not the only virus going around. This was just unstainable for parents who worked (from home). So I spent a lot of time caregiving my grandchildren during the pandemic (it was 24x7 during weekdays). Caregiving for babies/toddlers is equally as much work as for an elderly person.

I did care for my 98 yr old mom from a distance (we live cross country from each other). What I did was to long-distance be responsible for mom's caregivers (training them, FaceTiming them, letting them know what had to be done, etc) and this was no easy feat since during the pandemic, there was high turnover/ absenteeism of caregivers. I also ordered restaurant food delivered to mom's weekly. I visited her for an extended period 2x/yr to care for a number of issues, in conjunction with my other sibs.

My suggestion is for you AngelaP to identify how/where your sister might help out. Might it be grocery shopping, or doing mom's taxes, etc.? You can then approach your sister with concrete ways she can help.

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What about you?

You need some respite.

If your sister is willing to help, that's great but it looks like she isn't. Truly it is her choice.

If your sister is not willing, you need to make other arrangements to give yourself a break. Check with your local Agency for Aging for resources. Does your mum have enough money to pay for an aide a couple of times a week for a few hours so you can get out and do your own thing? Good luck!

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You cannot make your sister do anything. She can choose how she spends her days, but so can you. Tell your sister that you want to have a life like she does and that will require her assistance in finding the right place for mom and all that entails. Maybe a home needs sold, maybe your mom needs to apply for Medicaid, I don't know, but there is much to do to get to a point where you are freed up and mom is cared for. Nothing wrong with asking sister to assist with getting there.

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I just hope that you’re the one with POA for your mom. I learned the hard way never to care for anyone again without it.

I was caring for my mom & my sibling had POA and when she started going downhill he stepped in going against everything against I was doing and demanding how he wanted things done.

I ended up telling him to do it himself & walked away.

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Can you get an aide in?

Do you ask for your sister's input regarding your mom's care or do you decide without her input? If you're in the position of sole caregiver choose to get paid help in that will work around your needs.

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you can be sure that those who are not helping will be there with their hands out when she dies. My siblings were upset because they thought I had put more of my own money in moms bank account and they wanted to say “gotcha”-now it’s part of her “estate” and we get the money you put in her account. Siblings not doing or paying anything is wrong in my opinion - unless there is some real good reason like they live too far away or they have other serious issues. No one should be a family’s Cinderella. I for one am over it.

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Hi AngelaP- Sometimes if I make a suggestion, I wind up sounding VERY ABRUPT, but please trust me when I say that I’ve often wished someone had dropped some tough talk ON ME when I was dealing with a caregiving set-up that ultimately cost ME my physical health, a great job, and temporary estrangement from family.

Trust that everyone here has YOUR best interests at heart.

Hoping you have a great day!

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You indicate that mom has "mobility problems". Is mom able to get around in the house alright? Is mom able to use a phone? Is mom safe by herself for a few hours?
If so why can't you leave mom by herself for a few hours? Does she need constant care?
I understand not wanting to leave mom alone if she is bedbound, if she can not use a phone, if she has dementia, if she needs constant hands on care. But if mom can manage by herself and it is safe to leave her for a few hours I see no reason why you can't get out, go to dinner, go to a movie or just something as simple as a shopping trip..

Your other option... mom can use some of her assets to pay for a caregiver 1 or 2 nights a month to give you a break. (actually that should be happening anyway, she should have a caregiver 1 or 2 days a week, and she should be paying for it)

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I can relate somewhat, except for the fact that my brother or sister can't take care of mymother they both have severe issues, I believe if siblings can help and don't that is OK. But at least try to help , even if its in some small way 1 hour a week etc.. I know as the primary having one hour would be great..

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Thank you for that response it was much kinder and you are correct one hour would be great just for a recharge.

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I could well be the sister you are complaining about, and no, I am not sorry at all. My mother and my younger sister adore each other, and always did, so I am perfectly happy to let Sis do all the heavy lifting. My mother never really liked me, so I don’t feel any great obligation to deal with her. At 97, she can’t possibly have much time left, but these days, one never knows, the way medical science keeps ‘em staggering on forever. If I were an only child, our parent would be in a facility that accepts Medicaid. If Sister wants to coddle her in a fancier, outlandishly expensive boutique place, she knows it’ll be on HER dime, not mine.

Siblings should NOT expect anything of one another. Do what you feel compelled to do, and let the others do as they like. Complaining to a public forum isn’t going to get you anywhere.

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Some people aren’t able to care for their parents even if they wanted to. My cousins had to place my uncle because they all had full time jobs.

You are correct but by saying that no one is obligated to care for a parent or even their spouse if they find that they are unable to either emotionally, physically or financially.

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Don’t expect your sister to change. My brothers didn’t help me when I was my mom’s caregiver.

Surely, it would be wonderful if everyone pitched in. She is everyone’s mother. This isn’t usually how it ends up though. There can be a dozen children and the care generally falls on one person.

Actually, none of you are responsible for your mom’s full time care. Is it possible for her to be placed in a facility?

It’s disheartening for the caregiver. I get it. You deserve a break. Accept that your sister gets to choose how she wishes to live her life.

Hire outside help instead of asking your sister to help.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

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No one can be forced to care give, her priority is her family, not her mother.

You have assumed the responsibility to care for your mother, that was your choice.

The what about you is to make arrangements to place your mother in a home or hire in home caregivers, using your mother's money, not yours.

I am sorry that you are in this position however you do have other options.

The ball is in your court, might be time to make a hard decision for your mental & physical well-being.

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Have you discussed your feelings with her?
What has she said to you?

I think that your sister may have decided to do what brings her the most joy while she is still able at the same time to give meaningful help to at least ONE side of the sandwich she's in the middle of. Many believe that our obligation to family is played forward/payed forward, giving care to our children, and our children to theirs.

We are all different. We all make our choices. And we really cannot change the choices of others. Only our own.
So do speak with her and tell her you know she is sandwiched between her mom and her daughter, but you wonder if you can expect any help from her going forward, and if so, WHAT help.
I would bet she will answer you.
And you will then have your own decisions to make about how long you can continue in care of your Mom.

I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I wish you well and hope you will tell me how your talk goes if you choose to have it.

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It is her daughter in law not her daughter and I have tried to talk to her so I guess she needs to lead her like with her children and grandchildren and you are correct I will wish her the best.

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You cannot make anyone do what they don't want to do. Use mom's money to hire agency caregiver to give yourself some much needed and deserved respite. You are not the only one that this happens to. It is most often the case.

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