We have noticed a change in Mom's memory. My siblings want to confront her about it, but I don't think it's a good idea. Any thoughts?

Let me see if I understand your concerns. You and siblings have noticed a change in your mothers memory. You are concerned that if you confront her, she will become angry and you know from experience that she doesn't forget her anger at being questioned. You would all like for her to get her memory checked.
Explore with me for a moment. You get her to a dr and learn that her cognitive ability is in decline. Then what? Is your mothers memory loss causing her problems with her essential life skills? Is she eating, bathing? Paying her bills? Keeping her home clean? Does she drive? Take her necessary medication? Is she living alone? Does she have help with her food shopping and preparation? Give us a bit more detail. It doesn't do much good to upset her if you don't have a plan on how to keep her safe and well cared for. If mom is able to make her own decisions you have to accept that. If she's not, you need to take action. I wish you the best in caring for your mom.

If you have concerns you should document specific examples and take that to her doctor, if no one has medical poa/healthcare proxy at this point you can nonetheless write the doc a letter giving them a heads up that you want some testing. (A wise doctor could get it done under the pretense of routine testing for their elderly patients). Any fall out would then be directed at the doctor, not family.
I expect that your sibs want a confirmation of their belief that she should begin to explore a change in her living arrangements, looking toward future mental and physical decline. It would be best for all if a negative diagnosis gave mom the impetus to make reasonable arrangements for herself, but if she stubbornly refuses to accept reality then at least the first step of documenting early dementia (or not) will have been made.

And to answer your statement about patience being a virtue, sometimes it is merely a cop out, a way to defer an unpleasant task. My own mom remained in her home after my father died and she lost her eyesight. She was resistant to change and we were busy with our own lives, but I believe that allowing that to continue was a terrible thing... I shudder to think how lonely and isolated she must have been.

Dementia patients are angry with the world that they can no longer understand. I think the first thing to do is to have a family meeting, online or by phone, or even email, and select one person to suggest to mom as possible and a back up to that person. Have a 3rd just in case. Get the POA done *first* before Mom gets mad. 😉

Then take her to the doc after she's forgotten about the POA. Then she won't revoke it when she has to face that she really does not remember things and has trouble filling in the gaps.

Great suggestions above. Get the paperwork done on the premise that it just needs to be done now, while everything is fine. If she's angry, she may refuse to do it. Afterwards, I'd try to get a family member to go visit with mom for a few days, so they can observe how she's doing. Check the fridge for spoiled food, landry being done, bills paid, chat with neighbors, ask about anything odd going on, hoarding?,, count medications and compare to date they were filled to confirm compliance, etc. There's a lot to check on. I'd make notes on the findings and then have the family discuss what to do, if she needs help. ALSO, EVEN IF she has cognitive decline and is in need of help, it's highly likely that you will not be able to convince her of this. IMO, few people will accept it. There are ways to deal with that, but, getting her to agree with a diagnosis of cognitive decline or dementia, is highly unlikely. Maybe, if the doctor tells her, but still.....sometimes the brain just cannot accept it. So, as long as she is cared for and protected, having her confronted and accept it, may not be necessary.  Of course, a complete medical check up would be good, so other ailments can be ruled out and/or treated.  Having the doctor know what's going on is a plus.  The family member can provide that info on a memo so he knows what's going on at home and can order the appropriate tests.

What would be the point in confronting her about her memory loss? If she brings it up, "I seem to be more forgetful lately," you can agree. "I've noticed that too. You do a great job with notes and reminders, though. Let's get you a doctor appointment to see if you might have a vitamin deficiency or something like that."

Getting her to a doctor, in case the causes are treatable, seems more important to me than confronting her. Once you have a little more information about her condition, then you and your siblings can have a meeting and discuss what to do in the short term, and also come up with a tentative long-term plan.

After my mother began showing signs of dementia my sibs and I arranged for more and more care for her in her apartment. With things like a visiting nurse to oversee medications, cleaning, laundry, and meals on wheels I think we gave her about 4 extra years of independence. When she needed more care she moved in with my sister (essentially assisted living level care) and after that she spent the last 2 years of her life in a nursing home. By the way, she never knew that she had dementia and she was aware that she "had some memory problems." I share this to illustrate that you and your sibs can certainly do what is best for your mother now and as things progress, without ever confronting her.

I strongly recommend against a confrontation.

"Confronting" a person with cognitive decline is the wrong road to take.

As mentioned above, work on getting the important legal docs in place. Get her to her doctor and outline your concerns about her memory/cognition in a brief written document you hand to the receptionist when you arrive. Or fax email it beforehand.

One hopes the doctor will suggest a workup for memory loss " to get a baseline measure" or " to rule out certain conditions".

ahelpingson, if you and your family feel that Mom does have memory issues, the whole family needs to learn everything they can about dementia/Alzheimer's so that when Mom does something out of the ordinary, you will understand it is just part of having memory issues.

Scroll down to the bottom of this page to the blue section. On your left you will see ALZHEIMER'S CARE, click on that. Now scroll through all the articles and pick out what you feel reflect Mom... and make copies for the rest of the family.

We all have some memory loss as we age... my boss and I are always trying to figure out someone's name :P

I would NEVER say a word to my mother about her obvious mental decline. There's absolutely no point to be made, and nothing good can come of it.
Mother is noticeably declining--she can't do the crossword in 20 minutes, it takes all day and it's the "easy one". She can't remember who people are, or what she did yesterday, but she can tell you in detail about something that happened 70 years ago.
Sometimes she's stuck for a word or name, and I'll gently remind her, or help her if I can, and she'll say "What is wrong with me?" I just say, "Oh well, too many things to have remembered for 87 years". She has all her affairs in order, so we don't have to worry about her making crazy financial decisions. She's just going from day to day. I'll email the 3 MIA sibs from time to time and remind them to call or visit--preferably visit. They do or don't. She wasn't a stellar, loving, involved mother. My sis said yesterday "She hasn't really been a part of my life for 43 years, Why should I bother trying to have anything other than a superficial relationship with her now?" (Sis is very practical and supper Zen.) The other sibs just don't care, really. I care for her a couple days a week, doing whatever she'll allow me. When she gets under my skin, I leave.
Getting together as a family to tell her she's losing it? Why? To what end? My kids tell me in one breath I'm losing it and in the next ask me to fly 800 miles and tend their small kids for a week. Of course I am "losing it". We all are. Sheesh.
Talk together about concerns for Mom's well being in the privacy of one of your homes, but don't share it with mom. Being confronted by all the kids at one time over something is hurtful to the max.

I'm going to jump back in to say that I agree that the idea of ganging up to "confront" her is not the best strategy, no one who is backed in a corner is going to respond well. There's no reason to be deliberately blind to the problem though, some gentle discussions about your worries and a presentation of some options may plant the seeds of change in her own mind. Not everyone will lash out in anger and dig in their heels, some people actually do accept that they need help.

Wow, My mom still drives, and cooks, she is very clean and organized. I know grief has been a large part in all of this, she has told me she has been depressed but will not join a grief counseling session. I see the need for the family to participate in the shopping. She has RA and it hurts her knees much of the time. I speak with her 3 or 4 times daily. Her memory surprises me at the same time it concerns me.
I work for my parents business and her business pays all of her bill's, she asked us to do this for her. She knows she is forgetful and even purchased a book to sharpen memory loss. Her vision is great and does not wear glasses, a gene I didn't inherit. Gently reminding her would be the best way to handle this, I comment on my memory to ease the tension.I will go see her next week and get her to her doctor's, it has been a long time. I stay there a few days at a time and she is the mom I have all way's known, I just need repeat myself more than before. I appreciate the input here, my father had dementia and I don't see that in her at this time.
Thank you for the valuable input here, I appreciate it!

Can I suggest a compromise? Ask your mother if *she* is worried about her memory, and assure her that if she ever wants to get herself checked over you will happily go with her to any appointments and support her in any decisions that need making. She sounds like a pretty switched on lady, not the sort to try to fool herself just to save face. You can be open and candid with her without confronting her.

I am going to put in my two cents, for what it's worth.

I do think she would benefit from an evaluation, it sounds like you are noticing changes in her memory and thinking. There are problems other than dementia that can cause this.

The issue seems to be how to bring up your concerns and your observations. You do want to do it in a way that is supportive and as non-confrontational as possible. Gently saying that you and others have noticed a few changes and asking her if she's noticed anything or been concerned about anything is one way to start. Encourage her to see the doctor to check for problems like thyroid problems, b12 deficiency, as others have suggested; this usually sounds less threatening than "let's get you checked for dementia."

If you float this past her and it goes very badly, then you will need to consider other options. Someone mentioned sending your concerns to the doctor and that's often a good idea, esp if the doctor has a good relationship with your mom and might be able to convince her to come in.

Otherwise, if she ever does get a diagnosis of Alzheimer's or another dementia: the Alzheimer's Association has a good position paper on the ethics of informing people. They have outlined some "Principles for a Dignified Diagnosis" in their Diagnosis Disclosure PDF, which you can find here:
http://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-ethical-issues.asp

When I encounter a family who tells me it's best to not tell their parent a diagnosis, I usually try to get a sense from the patient herself whether or not she'd like to know this kind of thing. Some people (esp in some cultures) really would prefer that their family be the one to hear the hard truths and manage the situation. But generally we are supposed to check with patients and try to find out what are their preferences, when it comes to disclosing difficult diagnoses.

Good luck!

"Confronting her" will make things worse.

I'm only 65 and I make notes to remind myself. I enter a room and forget why. It's called aging. If you make her "worry" about losing her memory, it will get worse.

Sounds like she's a smart cookie - she figured out to make notes and no one told her to do that.

I think you're right Kirk - take things one day at a time and try not to rock the boat too hard. When needed, make helpful suggestions to make life easier for Mom. She'll appreciate that more than being reminded that she is getting old and maybe a little forgetful.

Who hasn't told the same joke a hundred times, lol.

First, my Mom knew she was having problems. She let me take over her finances. She knew she was having memory problems. At the age of 86, I don't see why it can't be brought up that she needs to have a physical. It doesn't hurt to have blood tests and check for UTI's. At the time of the physical, mention to the doctor the changes in her. Could be just age related but will give you all peace of mind. You can ask her if there is anything she would like to talk to the doctor about when you get there. If so, let her go in without you. As said though, if you don't have a POA in place, you need to do it before she can no longer give permission. The B12, this is not something you give without the doctor checking her labs first.

Based on your second comment, she may/may not be in the beginnings of dementia. The early days are not too concerning, and you do say that she still cooks, cleans, is organized, etc. Our mother started with the repetitive statements during conversations (same statement or question 10 times during a visit or call). I did my research at that point to know when we needed to step in. If she is only forgetting a little bit, that CAN be a part of aging... we ALL forget things sometimes! If she takes medication, a pill dispenser can be a good thing, one that locks so she cannot take any extra and you can monitor for missed days. We started with that and one brother installed cameras so we could be aware of any issues (both with her and the nurse aides we eventually hired for one hour/day, just to check on her daily rather than when we might be able to get there (one brother is out of state, the other is still working and for me it is over an hour drive, a bit much to just check on meds). I was the one who initially took over her bills and said the car must go - THAT car take away was a nightmare in itself and of course I got all the blame. We had to make other plans after those first few months because she refused to let the aides in. I knew she was no longer cooking because shopping trips always included frozen dinners. Then she started digging into old papers and thinking they were recent (anything on the kitchen table "just came in the mail"). The 1099 from the pension became multiple phone calls saying someone died and left her money. Old insurance papers my dad had filled out - she wanted to file them. I tried showing her the tax paperwork so she could see that she got the insurance and link up the 1099 to the taxes too, but she could not retain the information. We finally had to get her out of the house one day and have one of us "sweep" the place for any and all paperwork - taxes, bills, old stuff. Once those were gone, the issue was forgotten.
Proud? Sure. Any mention of moving in with one of us or a place (AL not NH) was met with defiance and belligerence - I'm independent. I cook (no mom, little boxes in the microwave is NOT cooking). Asking for supplies that she already had (plastic wrap, trash bags, etc)
Anyway, getting her to the doctor's should be the FIRST item. Use the RA as an excuse - need to check it out and see if the doctor can help mom. Confrontation will do nothing other than irritate her, so I also recommend against that. If she checks out ok, all vitals and test results normal, just keep an eye out for changes. You say your dad had dementia, so you know what some of the signs are (not a one size fits all for sure!). Using the camera, I was the one who initially identified her "sun-downing". It started as a minimal checking of the door lock, sidelights, into kitchen and LR to turn the lights on/off, and became an hour to hour and a half marathon of the above! We finally found out what the kitchen check was when NC brother was there - the dishwasher... she was checking it over and over even when he was there.
Again, I would gently remind her that she is overdue for a health checkup and can possibly get some relief from the RA. Try the camera for remote monitoring and, if needed, the pill dispenser. Read up more (even though you've been down this road, it cannot hurt!) and help her as best you can. You can also forward this information to the siblings. Just because she forgets some things or repeats herself some is NOT a reason to confront or move her. It is a time to do some research and consider options as things progress.

I was worried about my and my husband's memory. I went to a gerontologist and had a slew of testing done. I also enrolled in a Federal program on a new way to test for Alzheimer's. I don't have dementia but my Vitamin B12 was low. He put me on a gummy bear thingy a day and I could tell the difference immediately. Unfortunately, we found out at the same time that my husband does have some dementia.
I agree with others that a physical exam with a specialist would be worth the time.

I - everyone! - wishes there was some remedy for the failing memory. It's a gradual process. But there are no cures. Vitamins, supplements, even prescription drugs show a minimal effect, if that. It will get worse. I'm sorry. ... Get your mother to a doctor for the full monty, write down all your concerns and give it to the doctor (hoping he/she will realize what's going on and not just send you all home with 'oh, your mom's health is fine, see you in 6 months' like MY mother's useless doctor did! Don't confront her about anything, it will make things worse and nothing can be done about memory loss.. Please be sure the paperwork is all in order via an eldercare lawyer (durable power of attorney, living will, etc.) in preparation for, perhaps, Medicaid down the road....I know you feel guilty, perhaps, for your youthful actions, and want to show Mommy 'you care'. But things will get worse, and god bless if you want to take this horrendous burden on. I was the only caregiver for MY horrid abusive neglectful mother, because I was still in the same town and could not not do it. But it was ultra-awful since there was no love. And no help....but anyway, get Mom checked out and please, read the questions on this site, people who have been there, done that. There is a lot of information and communication here, people are really great here! It's not just glurge and prayers and pictures of sunset, it's cold hard facts, lol.

Confrontation? NO! Discussion about what she wants for her life in the future. Does she have legal documents in place? Does she have a long term care policy? This is the time to learn everything about your mom to avoid the confusion that often comes as a result of an emergency. It is time for compassion, love and understanding, not battles. Help her any way you can but tread very carefully. If her memory is slipping and in early stages she knows it and it scares her to death. Love is patient and kind.

Most elders or quite a lot repeat things more than 30 times over.

As long as her memory lapses are not putting her at risk. Just yesterday, I walked into my kitchen and wondered why it felt so warm and realized I had left a burner on after cooking dinner. I am only 55. That's an example of a dangerous mistake.

Is there any way you could secretly snoop around and make sure she is paying her bills on time, eating properly, etc. While I agree a confrontation is not a good thing, I do think keeping an eye on a problem before it gets out of hand is a good idea and if the siblings can all be on the same page about it now, it will make for an easier transition in the future when things do get more serious.

Make sure her paperwork is up to date - you could start by telling her that YOU are going to your lawyer to get POA, will, living will etc up to date - by telling her you are doing it then say that you think she should look at hers - this way it's not you pushing her but rather it's 'let all keep our affairs in order' - you could tell her about someone whose stuff was so out of date that it caused many problems for family [which is why you are checking on your stuff] -

It never accomplishes anything confronting someone as they are in denial & always will be - think if your kids said this sort of thing to you! -