My brother told me that my father has "dementia" and "something needs to be done now." My father's doctor said just two weeks ago that my father, while a bit frail, does not have any mental decline or dementia! My brother says things like, "The other day I couldn't find his medication and then (his wife) found it in the spice rack in the kitchen. That's crazy. Dad is not the same."
Well, what happened in that case is that my father and I were cooking in the kitchen and we moved his medication out of the way, into the spice rack as a practical and temporary place for it. It had nothing to do with dementia. My father knew where his medication was. Even though I told my brother this he does not believe it or at least behaves like he doesn't believe it.
The PROBLEM IS: My brother is doing things and preparing to do things, some behind our backs, that my father does not need. In some cases, he is actually making my father's quality of life worse. It's difficult for me to watch and I can't say anything to my brother without getting into a heated argument. Do I have to just bear this and whatever happens will happen, regardless of my best efforts?
"I remember coming home from school when I was like 13 and my brother was almost in tears saying his friends had rejected him and he didn't know what to do. I listened and told him calmly and maturely something like friendships change and when they do it is usually for the better. I told him he would find other friends at school who were more like him and within a short time he did. He had great life all through school and then went on to marry a wealthy women who truly loves him. I can't understand what went wrong. Shouldn't my brother at least know that I have been right about things in the past and had taken time selflessly to help him early on?"
Are you serious with this??? You need to worry about what's gone wrong in YOUR life! Your brother is married, wealthy and perfectly functional it sounds like, vs you who keep insisting you're so mature and capable yet keep writing all these childish posts!
Get a job and move on with your life. Visit dad once in a while like the rest of the planet does with their elderly parents. Leave your POA brother to deal with dad as HE SEES FIT for godsake. Enough already.
Brother is tired of dad sponging off him. He wants to place him but probably feels guilty doing it so wants dad to have something wrong so he can get this responsibility off his shoulders.
All you and dad seem to do is stir up trouble. Seems like you three have been doing thisdance for a long time.
OP please grow up and stop letting dad manipulate you. And stop playing mind games regarding brother. Seems like all three of you have major communucation issues.
Is your brother his DPoA? If not, is anyone? If no one is his PoA, then your father should be encouraged to creates that and other important legal protections and directives, like Advance Healthcare Directive, Last Will, etc.
If your brother is his PoA then his authority isn't active until your father has a medical diagnosis of impairment that satisfies what is outlined in the PoA.
Can you please provide the missing info as to whether your father has a PoA?
"My father knew where his medication was." If this is true then why did is take his wife to find them? Why didn't he remember where they were?
My brother and his wife went over to my father's house, like they usually do to visit, bring food and see that everything was all right, similar to what I do. On this particular day my father was sleeping and they did not want to disturb him. Apparently they noticed my father's medication was missing from where it usually is on the kitchen counter and went looking for it. My sister-in-law doesn't know the house that well and just by chance opened the cabinet with the spices where we had put the medication while cooking.
They then didn't want to say anything to my father about it because they assumed (wrongly) that it was due to "dementia" and didn't want to get into any conflict with my father. They however told me as one recent example as to how bad my father is. As I indicated, in this case the medication was put there intentionally and both my father and me knew it.
I am having a hard time dealing with the differences in objective reality with my brother who is making some wrong decisions that are actually doing harm. I'm looked at as someone who is not that capable of handling my father's situation. That's surprising because my life has been proof that I am more than well qualified.
I remember coming home from school when I was like 13 and my brother was almost in tears saying his friends had rejected him and he didn't know what to do. I listened and told him calmly and maturely something like friendships change and when they do it is usually for the better. I told him he would find other friends at school who were more like him and within a short time he did. He had great life all through school and then went on to marry a wealthy women who truly loves him. I can't understand what went wrong. Shouldn't my brother at least know that I have been right about things in the past and had taken time selflessly to help him early on?
You refused to pay for these aides. Since then you have not mentioned moving in with dad to be these aides. It’s entirely up to bro to decide not to pay these aides anymore.
Brother can pull these aides anytime. If you are not equipped to do what they do, then your father has to pay for them himself or go into a home. End of.