Sister is POA and is fostering a toxic environment for parents. Any advice?
My Sis is POA for parents (Dad has dementia, Mom still doing well) but it seems at every turn, Sis is always putting herself up on a pedestal and insisting on her way. She seems to feel POA makes her more important that her parents.
She hands out "instructions" to the rest of the kids, as if she is the Boss. Perhaps she feels that giving "instructions" to the other kids (who are all far far out of state, as is she) is being somehow helpful to me who lives 5 mins away.
But more often than not, her instructions are a burden on me (like telling me when I should take parents to the doctor, when Mom and I had already considered it and decided Dad did not need an immediate doctor visit, and the doctor concurred after we got there, but parents still pay the huge ER bill!). If I try to suggest to Sis that I do know best, she accuse me of trying to take her place. I am tired of dealing with all her "instructions" and anyhow, MOM is still in charge!
It seems I cannot get Sis to settle down and treat us all with respect.
Is there a name for this, is this some type of abuse, and have others found a way to deal with it?
I know there are some good POA's out there. Probably people like my Sis are in the great minority.
But it comes as a nearly weekly battle, one week after another, there is some way she finds to put me down, either accusing me of some wrongdoing, or nasty-ness.
Mostly I just ignore it. I am spending most time helping my parents on a daily basis! doing REAL things, like making sure they have good food to eat, drive them to church, make their doctor appts (quite a few of those). And helping them clean out 40 years of stuff in their house.
But all the crap that my Sis hands out, as if she is the BOSS, should I just laugh it off (as some of my friends suggest) or should I be concerned that when both parents die, even worse abuse is to come?
Am I going crazy or what? I need to preserve my sanity.
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POA gives your sister authority to carry out your parents wishes regarding finances. It does not give her authority to override their wishes and it gives her NO authority over them or over her siblings. If she is on a power trip, she is in fantasy land and has no legal leg to stand on. You can ignore her or laugh her off or explain the facts of life to her, whatever you think would be most effective.
I personally think the POA is set up incorrectly. Mom should be Dad's primary POA, with Sister (or someone else) as the primary if Mom cannot perform the duties. Unless Dad has been declared incompetent or he cannot understand the concept of letting someone else act on his behalf, this still could changed.
Who is healthcare POA or medical proxy? This is often spelled out in the healthcare directive. Again, I would think Mother should have this role, with someone else as secondary.
I just wish my Sis would support my efforts. At every turn, she is tyring to make me do what she wants me to do. It's exhausting. But maybe that is in her plan, to wear me down, make me give up.
Or....you could just throw her "instructions" into the garbage can. ;)
In the meantime, my Mom who has been wondering why all the family problems, has been shown documentation (I can't say what) of how Sis was doing things illegal, abusing her POA.
SO, my Mom took my Dad to a completely different lawyer, several visits, and the lawyer has had an evaluation with a psychologist. The end result is they are changing their POA, and Will, to exclude any involvement with Sis. She will still inherit her portion (if there's anything left) but she will no longer be making any decisions for her parents. My parents chose me to be their POA & exectutor. The new POA states in effect ONLY if they are incapacitated, and with other restrictions as well, to prevent the type of abuses that Sis did. The lawyer is also looking into recovery of the funds that Sis abused.
Both my brother and I have POA over my mother but I am the one exercising it because I am the one that lives five minutes from her. I am the one who sees what her needs are. My brother and I talk to each other and respect each other's opinion. I can see how being POA can be abused. I put myself in my mother's shoes and think how I will wish to be treated by my own two sons. I hope they both will work together for my good--as it seems you will do for your parents.