Sister is a nurse and telling dad what meds to take or not take but she is 9 hours away and has not seen dad in months (has visited here once) and does not know his doctor. Dad lives with me, we have the same Dr. I have consulted with him. Dad says my sister told him it is OK for him to stop his cholesterol med. She tells him what he should and shouldn't do. Dad tells me what he thinks I want to hear. He does not take his diabetic meds as well. Of course he is over weight and sugars are up and down but will not listen to me. I am the one who deals with the problems. Dads sugar was a 50 and he decided that was a good time to drive to get a hamburger in the evening. After he told me that of course I spoke to him very sternly about driving when his sugars were too low and eat at home. He will not listen to me. What do I know (I deal with medical emergencies all the time and been in the medical field for over 20 years). Of course sister knows everything (No, we do not talk because it takes 2 people to listen not one just talking). I have no idea what to do except to send Dad to live with her for a while to see how life is on this side. The last time she had him she let him drive 8 hours while completely dehydrated. Yes I had to take him to the ER and give him 2 bags of fluid.
Speaking of worrisome, dad has been telling me that he's decided, after talking to you, to stop taking his (fill in the blank) meds. I just wanted to check in and see if you'd had an in depth conversation about this and if you'd like his MD's phone number to disucss.
You know how dad likes to play fast and loose sometimes with "this one said this" and "this one said that" until your head starts to spin?
I just want to make sure that we're on the same page with his care plan; I wish he'd pay more attention to his diet and his glucose numbers. And he seems not to want to pay attention to his sleep apnea. All that lack of O2 to his brain seems to be wreaking havoc with his thinking and reasoning skills.
Anytime you want to chat about this, shoot me an email and we can set up a time where I know he won't be listening in"
It's tough to manage a person if they are resistant and still competent. Do you think he is? If someone is obviously doing things that are dangerous, destructive or risky, I start thinking that their judgment is just too poor. That's a tough situation. When my almost 80 year old father got his ladder to do something on his roof, I had to threaten to call 911 and both my brothers to address him. I wasn't very calm about it. He knew I meant it. I guess he didn't want to get embarrassed, since he put the ladder away. lol I don't think he's tried that one since.
You may have been in the medical field but you are not a nurse and do not understand the physiology and metabolism of drugs whereas your sister does. Unless your sister the nurse is masquerading as the angel of death, I find it difficult to believe that she let him drive 8 hours while dehydrated. Stubborn old people - and your father certainly fits that category - do dangerous things and make bad decisions. Stop blaming your sister the nurse for your father's bad decisions. You have no proof that she told him anything!
Your father is in all likelihood lying to you. It is baffling but some old people start lying. Perhaps they do not recognize it as lying and just wish it were true. Your father needs a full workup for dementia and cognitive decline. He lives with you. Take charge.
Why did you have to apologize? You are both adults. You support him and have given him a place to live, rent free. If he says something snotty, you repond appropriately, ie, "Hey, this is MY house? You don't like it here, move!".
I would not apologize to someone who mouthed off to me like that. Let him sulk.
But, so, what do you want to do? What do you want to happen?
Vent away by all means, but as you have always known and has always been the case the solution is in your own hands.
With the driving, not to be callous but I'd be less concerned about your father - I've never seen the logic of insisting on being more concerned about a person than he has ever been bothered to be himself - and more about the damage he could do to others. And what it might cost.
But that's a whole 'nother can of worms, eh?
How about shipping him out to Sister for Thanksgiving and a couple of weeks either side? Give you a breather and her an update.
I'd also read a lot about dementia, because, in the early stages...it's not that easy to recognize. With my LO I had no idea. I just couldn't figure out why she would do this or say that....THEN, it became clear. She lied a lot, only she didn't know she was lying. She denied medical conditions, because she forgot she had them.
I do hope you can find some answers and help. This kind of thing can really take a toll. Take care of yourself too.
If you talk to your sister, apparently she won't take it as though you're trying to get your dad the right help; she'll take it as criticism and she'll tell Dad. You'll be the bad guy.
You can't talk to dad, because he's non-compliant with everything!
You can't talk to dad's doctor, because, well, because he's "independent" at your expense.
You can't talk to anyone else in the family, because for whatever reason, you are seen as the bad guy (because you gave dad a free place to live and extra money) and if you try to do the right thing by getting some help or medical attention for dad, it'll be taken the wrong way.
I guess you're just stuck having to wait until something happens, like a fall or a blood sugar "event" that sends him to the hospital.
When that happens, perhaps you can see your way clear to work with the discharge planning folks to get him into a good supportive living environment.
Think of it this way. You need a better set of tools to address thus situation.
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