How is the situation different when the caregiver is the husband?

I find this question very odd? Men and woman are caregivers...it's a matter of doing what we need to do to and having the patience to be a good caregiver.

I think it depends totally on the person! My husband was always so caring -( for a man!) he liked rescuing little animals and actually rescued me from a hopeless relationship. Our marriage was very happy but now I am a carer for him and not really suited to the job as I am dyspraxic. He is always saying if only he was the one taking care of me! I get inpatient and cross as its all so overwhelming but one HAS to do it somehow and a man can learn to care for someone quite well if willing . One of the members mentioned how a military style method helps to get organized. I am actually trying this and it helps. A certain time for each task etc,

My wife has Alzheimer's. We were married in 1956 - almost 60 years ago. I am very much in love with her. I consider us ONE. While I would never wish this disease on anyone, I get much joy in being able to help her. I am fortunate in that I have a caregiver for her 40 hours per week. I hope to keep her at home until the end. To afford this help, I have had to give up much of the things that I used to enjoy. But you do what you have to do. I do have the duty after 4 PM and usually every weekend. I will say that without this help, it would be very hard.
My point is that all of us - husband or wife - do what we have to do with love and much patience. JimmyW

I do think for many men it's even lonelier. Men, in general, are less used to sharing emotions with outsiders and less apt to look for support on line or in groups. However, since more women develop AD than men, there are a lot of male caregivers out there. Just like women, some are exceptional, some good enough and other not cut out for the job.

I must say that I've come in contact with some exceptional men who are caregivers to a wife or mother. I'd like to see more men jump in to support each other in this role.

Keep up the good work JimmyW and all of the rest of you guys.
Carol

when the caregiver is the husband he knows his wife inside and out. More prepared for all the side problems that come with AD. Living with a ADW requires being able decipher the changes as AD progresses. may even add less stress to caring than when a stranger provides care. However outside caregivers are probably better listened to and their coaching accepted. Of course we all encounter brain dead husbands occasionally :)

When my mom was in hospice at home, my dad was only able to take care of my mom with a live-in caregiver. He would do errands and other things that the hospice nurse and caregiver told him to, but he was not physically or emotionally able to do the hands on care of my mother. He loved my mother dearly but could not step into the caregiver role given the way he was raised, with women always taking care of him. This situation only lasted 6 weeks, but if need be my dad was willing to pay for help for many months to come. Other than finding him a live-in helper I don't think there was anything else my brother or I could do to help him become a caregiver.

I think this is one of those "depends on the person" type situations. Some men are able and willing to do the role of caregiver, while others are ill equipped and can't handle it. During the four years my mother was in a NH, post huge stroke, my father, though a senior citizen with his own issues, was there without fail everyday. He took care of her emotionally, watched out for her needs, and provided all the support possible. But her actual physical care was so involved, she couldn't move at all, couldn't eat orally, diapers, had to have literally everything done for her----that was far too much for him to take on as a caregiver. From what I've seen men as caregivers need what women need, encouragement, support,compassion, a plan, flexibility, and good humor. Maybe they just need a bit more of each. It's not a given that women are better equipped for caregiving though.

I shutter to imagine my husband caring for me if I fall ill.... I know, we made a promise... *I would have to die. I did take care of him after a horrific accident years ago. It is hard. Day in. Day out. Lifting, cleaning, turning, feeding... giving spritual hope, taking care of the farm too. Please God, find a way for all caregivers.

I agree it depends on the man and also on the situation. My husband has been POA for his 86-year old mother with Alzheimer's for four years now, although his mooching older brother lives with her. It all started just with seeing to the finances but we had to take over the grocery shopping and main meal cooking a year ago. The brother is really more of a problem than his mom as he had been in her pockets for most of his life. So much of the trouble is just getting him to do simple things regarding her care - and to clean up after himself! My husband has the patience of Job. His mom had one of her meltdowns the other day when he brought groceries and meals over, which fortunately doesn't happen often. After being docile and accepting of the help for months she'll suddenly just get mad that she's not in control of everything anymore. My husband was just kind, agreeable, and positive with her. Granted, he was able to leave after awhile and she'll probably forget about it, but he's always so patient and loving with her. He does all this alone as the four other sibs take two steps back for every step forward we have to take, and he rarely shares his feelings of frustration (and sometimes despondency) with any of them, as they really don't want to hear it and rarely call or see their mother themselves. Fortunately, he does share his feelings with friends at church (as well as with me) so he has people that encourage him and pray with him. Emotional support is so important.

Findingpeace has described the perfect husband caretaker. Patient and loving despite the patient's outbursts. A loving husband will take care of his wife. A husband who would prefer to put the wife in a nursing home should do Medicaid planning with an elder care attorney so that he can keep most of his wife's assets. The fact that your husband is willing to help care for your Mom when she already has a son living with her who should be doing this work is amazing. That is one man to keep around. I have chosen to keep my mother out of a home and give her my help along with a few hours with a private nurse. If I were killed in a car crash, my brother would decide that she needs to be put in a home where he would do NOTHING other than pay her bills to help her out. Then she would die alone. I pray that I outlive her so she does not have to suffer the loss of her only daughter. She has had enough heatbreak in her life.

Interesting question. I'd speculate that gender socialization does have an impact on caregiving style. Caregiving is hard because you want to give your loved one independence and autonomy over their body and actions but, especially in the case of mental injury, sometimes you do know what is best for them. If before an injury, the husband had somewhat of a controlling edge, it can really manifest once the wife is dependent upon him. That's something I worry about a lot.
In terms of how nurturing a man can be when he hasnt been raised to be, I dont have any speculations on that bc the male caregiver I am thinking of is very nurturing but I think this is probably why caregiving gets put on the daughters or sisters or things like that instead of the husband very often.

I agree it's an individual thing. But, I wonder if the era in which a man/woman grew up in has a lot of influence, as well. My parents were married for 65 years. They had a loving and respectful relationship...until shortly before death did they part. When my mother's mobility declined, my father bristled at having to do more of "her duties" in the house and helping her. He would get angry...blow-up...and while my mother has since passed, I still can remember some hateful comments and general poor attitude he had towards her in her final months & days. There were a lot of arguments & yelling between them and he began hitting her to "shut her up". He also made it clear he wanted her out of the house and out of his way. I think this poor attitude and performance of his could have contributed to her decline and unexpected death in rehab. She gave up, as what did she have to look forward to. She had always been helpful & nurturing towards him whether he had a cold, a cut or a heart attack. But, when the roles & situation were reversed...he did not want to step-up to the plate. I think it was a foreign concept to him by how he was raised and he fought adapting to the needs at the moment, of this era.

In general, I think our culture could be heading for even more problems...centered around this issue. In the past couple of years, the CDC or some medical org. came out with a report about Alzheimer's which said...more people will get the disease...most will be women. And ended the report with a wake-up moment/inquiry. When most caregivers are women and it is women who suffer from Alzheimer's the most...WHO is going to take care of them???

My mother, who is in a nursing home, had a roommate (87 y/o) for about a year who had advanced Alzheimer's. Her husband, who at 88 was still very healthy and active (and still worked!), came in nearly every single evening to spend time hugging her, talking, reading and occasionally singing to her, and encouraging her to be responsive to other people around her (which was mostly limited to a smile and a feeble wave). The dedication he showed impressed other residents, visitors and staff alike. Needless to say, he was heartbroken when she died a couple weeks ago after having declined conspicuously the previously week or so.

It really does depend on the personality. I have 2 sisters who haven't done anything, really, to take care of Mother. It's just not in them. My brother (with whom mother lives) is very caring and kind. Does ANYTHING she needs. My other brother is as absent as he can be...not that he doesn't care--he just doesn't step up.
My own hubby--well, he'd better go first, because he doesn't do a single thing for me if I am sick. I had 2 major back surgeries and b/c I didn't want the TV on in my hospital room, he saw no reason to stay with me. At home, recovering? Not even a drink of water, or a change of ice packs. He simply can't do it. When his father was dying I took over his day-to-day. Hubby would sometimes go with me, but he'd sit helplessly on the couch, his dad was vomiting up most of what he ate, and my DH just puked along with him. He's a good man, for sure, but don't get sick around him, he is useless. I'm not angry with him, just saying what is truthful--he cares, but he isn't hardwired to take care of someone.
I know men who have lovingly cared for their wives in long term situations with love and dignity. I've seen women do the same. I've also seen both men and women kind of walk away from anything remotely attached to caregiving--my hubby would spend whatever it took to keep me comfortable, but he himself wouldn't do more than pay that bill. Ay least I know what to expect!

I, as a husband, taking care of my wife, with Alzheimer's, and my 96 year old Mother in Law, in Assisted Living and doing what needs to be done to see that they have the best care. I have had to relearn some skills-cooking-running the dishwasher-operating the washing machines-shopping-making Doctor appointments-Patients-cloths fashion-toileting-taking care of myself. I go to a support Group where many husbands are taking care of their spouses and doing a "hell of good job". I love and care about my wife so nothing else matters and I will do what needs to be done. Is it easy-NO. Do I enjoy doing some of the tasks -No. Do I love my wife-Yes. I will see she gets the best care I can provide-I believe most men will step up and do the same thing. It does help with Adult Day care and having a Caregiver come to give me some respite but the majority of the responsibilities are mine to own. Men- we can do this but ask for help.

The operative word is "help". Most male caregivers will not ask for help, and or they do not know about services. I had a senior friend of mine tell me he did not know there was help available, and this was a three decade serving Air Force colonel and suffered in silence. His wife had cancer and he had no one to talk to except his nurse daughter who lived in CO. Within three months of meeting me, I convinced him to move near her so he would not be alone. He is now in a condo with lots of activity in CO Springs and his daughter can visit regularly. If any of you know of a male caregiver, start a conversation with him and see how you can help. Again, men are taught to take care of women, but not ask for help.

We need to remember, the household caregiver has come from and the circumstances he lived in. I have worked with many caregivers and find one thing especially important. That special quality for caregiving is 'empathy'. Knowing this it should come as no surprise that many women are not good caregivers either.

Men are quality caregivers when they do accept this role, just as women are. It is important to check with any caregiver as to their knowledge, and their expectations. Any caregiver can meet the tasks at hand if they just want to fulfill this part of the role, they may not be the correct person for this role. It is also not important to see a caregiver for a family member as either male or female, unless the person being cared for is very specific. Many times we find caregivers in this new role, who have little or no knowledge of the role they are to provide. Caregivers, male or female, need to have the opportunity to be trained as a good caregiver. This training will teach not only the basics, it will also provide some important information regarding situations and conversations with those they care for.

All of this is not important unless the caregiver is interested in being a good caregiver. If a person is not wanting or involved in the situation prior to becoming a good caregiver this may be a piece of information to be acknowledged. There are people in just about everyones family who seem to be a natural caregiver. At the same time there are people who do not desire or have the empathy necessary. There is not anything wrong with not wanting to be a caregiver, all depends on how the individual sees there role.

We are fortunate today to realize and research the information where there are many resources available to care for a person, family or not. This care is not driven by the financial situation or by the living situation. It would be prudent to research the resources in the geographic region those needing care live in.

I would suggest a family facing this situation, have a family meeting about which each sibling will be responsible for. Please begin this sooner rather than later. Each person having a specific role, this will help everyone know who has the responsibility for each task. It will be important to have conferences to be sure all family members are on the same page.

It is difficult for each family member to understand that no one person is at the same place as another. While it may seem impossible for one member not to see the situation through our eyes. I would suggest that all emotions from each person be checked at the door to the room where the discussion is to begin. This is probably be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. Most all families can work this out and have quality caregiving for their loved one.

operative word is "help". The action word is "where"

It has been a long tote and In am still finding additional sources for useful help.

I'm a 61 year old guy and I was pressed into caregiving about 4 years ago. My sibs had died, folks in their 80s, there was no one else. I'm long distance but spend lots of time with the folks during various health crisis, mostly with Mom. I'm not particularly kind and caring, have some tough issues with my parents but I had to step up to the plate. Never dreamed I'd be bathing, toileting and dressing my 85 year old mother. The stupid docs would send her home after surgery to my Dad with dementia who can't begin to deal with her needs. It would take a week or so to get home care set up so there I was, 60 year old son helping mom into her depends. It was very awkward for both of us.

I would never take this on full time. I don't know how people do it. I'm not sure it's a male/female issue. I don't think anyone enjoys hands on care for elders. I think more women get stuck with care because it's seen as women's work and it's the way we are raised, especially folks of our generation. With me it's simply a sense of duty. I worry about them and do all that they will let me do to help them. There's lots of good male caregivers out there but there are still lots of guys who expect women to wait on them hand and foot. Not to mention how many women get stuck caring for in laws.

Men can be even more stubborn. My FIL thinks his job is to prote ct his wife- sounds good in theory. But he. Constantly lies to cover up her illness. She calls the police on him and accuses him of all kinds of things and he refuses to blame her. He even was taken in on a 5150 because he told them he didn't remember doing things to her that she imagined. They released him after a few hours. He's almost more difficult to deal with than her because he won't force her to get help.

My husband was an excellent caregiver for his mother. The only thing he drew the line on was showering/bathing. He took mornings and I did evenings. I think it totally depends on the person, male or female. Not all females are great at caregiving either.

My husband gets quite upset at the idea that he would not be a good caregiver to me, if needed. Of course he would do whatever was needed!

Well, he has dementia, and has trouble putting a turtleneck on. He has always reacted with displeasure whenever interrupted. He couldn't find things even in the good old days. He panics and gets angry when he doesn't know what to do. I guess that is a blessing of my situation, that I don't have to rely on him to take care of me.

That's the bad news. The good news is that he tells me he loves me more often these days. He didn't hesitate to let me move my dying father into our home. He has been a good husband, provider, and father. It's not hard to make him laugh.

As a caregiver, his spirit would be willing, but the mind and flesh would fall down on the job.

My dad initially had a really hard time in the early years. He grew up in the generation that the man worked and the woman did everything else. It would not be out of the ordinary that my dad would have already started eating dinner and my mom would just sit down and he would say I need salt and pepper and up she would jump! My dad had to learn how to cook, do wash and clean when my mom stopped doing these things. I lived close by so was able to help a lot but we saw the toll this was taking in my dads health and my moms personsl hygiene and that is when we had to step in. My dad did help my mom on the potty but was physically unable to bathe her. Unfortunately since mom passed, he is back to his old self again! However, he knows that I refuse to get up from the dinner table and he can roll his wheelchair to the fridge or cabinet to get what he wants. Like someone else said, it really depends on the person.

well , the gov. makes it near impossible for a male care giver to get paid , or any other , after 7 plus years of care giving taking care of this lady-53 , and im 55 , has sent me into a deep depression , a year and a half ago i was treated at the ER for depression and anxiety , all vital signs shutting down , ha , now , were do i get help now ..... our freaking gov. is so full of it and the american people are screwed to the point of no return , i also took care of my mother before she died for years and running a painting business also , i did not complain on that one cause it was my mother ! were is my money ? were is my pay ? SICK-NO HELP...SICK-NO HELP !

Although generally as a rule women are natural-born nurturers, there is no reason why a male can't learn this skill.

Just thinking. Do you think it is often more difficult for men because many want to be "fixers"? I saw this in my Mom's hubby. I do not call him a step as that is difficult because they did not marry until Mom was 80. I am too old to consider him a step as he had nothing to do with raising me.

Mom was diagnosed with AD two years before they were married. He was with her at that appointment. From a conversation I had with Mom's doc with the diagnosis they both got angry and left the office. To this day, and now mom is early late stage, he still will try to reason and explain things to her in spite of many people trying to explain and remind him that Mom does not have the mental capacity to process any sort of information.

Just yesterday he told me a story of taking mom to lunch in the community where they live separately because of Mom's increasing needs. Another couple sat down to eat lunch with them. Mom became quite upset because she thougt the couple was trying to get a free lunch on them. This led to Mom becoming quite agitated to the point of storming in the kitchen and yelling at the staff that these people hhad to leave. Kitchen staff had to call security to get my mom back to the memory care area.

Her hubby has been asked numerous times by the facility to remain in the memory care area for lunch because of mom's disorientaion and agitation when they return. He will comply for awhile but then starts the out to lunch routine again. Maybe he forgets? I don't think so because this sort of thing happens quite frequently. He seems to think that Mom will get better and the behaviors will change. He wants her to get better so badly, maybe he does not understand but I think it is his denial and having to give up one more thing that he does not want to give up.

I certainly believe that both sexes are capable, in general, of direct caregiving. However, not all people, regardless of sex, are capable of doing this. I also think that men ARE hard wired differently, and many will be better at dealing with the situation by coordinating care, handling decision making, finances and operating from the 'big picture' perspective, than, for example, cleaning bottoms! One might judge by looking back on various people's abilities to care for babies and small children. Some are good at it, some are not! Men do operate, IN GENERAL, differently than most women. They see or hear of a problem and they want to fix it....make it go away. Not necessarily talk about it to everyone, mull it over, get ideas from others....they want to DO SOMETHING NOW...they are more action oriented than process oriented or emotionally involved. But, as can be seen, from what men have written here....if they love someone, they will do what they need to do most of the time. All that said...and from my perspective of coordinating care for 2 parents, and having a husband at home with Parkinson's....along with being an RN.....no one should do this without some type of caregiving help, respite care, day care.....SOME resources so they get time to care for self!! I cannot stress that enough. I've been involved in this now for almost 4 years. I am 71 now, and I have my own health issues. Even though an RN, I've only coordinated care and handled things as POA and trustee for my parents...and from another town....but that, in itself, has been VERY hard. I had periods where I had to make 5 hr trips alone, twice a month to stay on top of what was happening to them; deal with the emotions of having to place my Dad, when in home care was not working...learn the hard way, that it's not about doing what they want, but doing what is safe for everyone; pay my girls to fly into town at various times to help because I could not be there to oversee, and meet the deadlines for applying for Medicaid or do other things the lawyer wanted done by certain deadlines, or even get the bills paid on time. Relationship with husband suffered because I was spending close to half my time away from him....and my home business has just about gone under in that timeframe, because I can no longer focus on customers in a timely fashion in order to capture their orders. I generally feel like a failure at everything and successful at nothing....and I am doing very little physical caregiving. Also, I might say, even though I know HOW to do the caregiving, the older one gets, the harder it is to do it!! My Mom is currently in a rehab facility. Her room is at the end of a long hallway. All the facilities....nurses station, dining room, public rooms, offices etc are in the center of the facility, so it's up and down this long hall whenever I am there. That, alone, tells me that, physically, I am no longer capable of physical caregiving. I am in so much discomfort after a few hours with her, that I cannot come home and be of assistance to my hubby. He is self care still, but having much pain and mobility troubles because he needs back surgery for spinal stenosis. Anyhow, am rambling....just wanted to say, that either sex can do this, based on love....and either sex could possibly not do this, based on make up or age. And BOTH sexes need help to do this. No ONE person can do this 24/7 without affecting, ultimately, their own health!!

All people can do it. Most men just choose not to. I know many old people who have both sons and daughters and they almost always are taken care of by the daughters. Perhaps women have a greater capacity for compassion and self-sacrifice, while most men (in my experience) are basically selfish.

while most men (in my experience) are basically selfish.
Beverly
I feel really sorry for you if that is your experience.

Like i said , if you have no caregiver related life of taking care of anyone for year in and year out , you don't know nothing about a what a caregiver feels on a daily basic's , ha , i'm male and if i write a book on it , it would be a no. 1 seller , YOU GOT NO IDEA !