Smoking mother in law. Any thoughts on how to handle this?

Post a cute little sign in your bathroom about not smoking and install a very sensitive smoke detector in there. If she sets off the smoke detector, let her know you'd be very happy to set up a pleasant place on the porch or patio with an ashtray where she can sit and relax. Apologize profusely for the racket caused by the smoke detector. Be extremely pleasant and polite.

With her having dementia, depending on the level, she will need to be constantly supervised if she is handling anything like lighters, matches, etc. People with dementia can't even be left unsupervised with stoves, ovens, fans, etc. when they reach a certain stage. Having direct confrontations with her, probably won't be helpful. She may know that she is lying to you OR she may have a delusion about it. And, you really can't convince someone with dementia that things are a certain way, when they believe otherwise. And, even if you did, she'd likely forget about it shortly thereafter. So, it's rather pointless.

I'd figure out who is going to do the supervising and how her smoking will be handled by those in charge. She won't be able to continue running things her way, because it could impact her health and others, due to risk of burns and fire If she's a longtime smoker, not allowing her to smoke at all, would likely be very upsetting to her. I'd discuss it with her doctor. Even though smoking is bad for your health, if you are already terminally ill with dementia, I can see how continuing to smoke may be her decision and I wouldn't stand in the way, if it could be done without harm to others.

Most of the AL's that I have seen allow smoking, but, it's supervised for those with dementia.

Don't know about ur state but in mine no one can smoke in a public place, bathroom included. Being your house, you have a right not to have her smoke and your husband should back u up. When she calls to visit, tell her she cannot smoke in your house. If she feels she cannot guarantee this, then tell her she can't visit. Your husband has left it up to you. If smoking in public is a no no, tell her the nxt time she smokes in a public place, you will report her to management.

My Dad did the same thing. He wasn't suppose to smoke because of a heart condition. Mom would find a butt in the sink and he'd swear he hadn't smoked it. Mom wasn't a smoker. It really is a mental thing.

I would not visit either. Second hand smoke is just as bad as smoking.

Believe me, I sympathize with you. My daughter is a smoker. I don't smell it while in her home but when I get to my house I smell smoke all over me. As I get older, smells effect me more and more. TG I have a DH who has told people they cannot smoke in my house.

12 hours cleaning the bathroom? Really? 😳 Wow. I’d make hubby clean it. I understand how you feel though. I hate it when my husband smokes and the entire house stinks. The only problem with a smoke detector in the bathroom is that shower or bath water steam can set it off. If anyone gets up early and showers, you may be peeling yourself off the ceiling.

I would stake out the bathroom and stand outside the door while she’s in there. “Are you smoking in there, Mother Dear?” If she says no, tell her she must be on fire then because you smell smoke. Be a giant pain. Give her no peace. Keep on her until she gives up. And tell hubby to man up and tell his mother your house is a smoke-free zone.

So she only will smoke in the bathroom? I'd jokingly say put a non functional toilet in the garage for her to sit on and smoke but we all know where that would lead.. ( gotta laugh sometimes) But in reality, this is a tough one to break. My friend made a "smoking" area in her garage with 2 chairs and a small table.. still inside.. but out of the house. My mom smokes in our rec room where she spends all her time.. it is smelly, I agree. But at 88 i'm not going to be able to change her.

While I understand the instinct to say just tell her you don't allow it in your house or to stand outside the bathroom to "catch" her and put up signs the fact is if she has any sort of dementia it's likely she doesn't have control over it, doesn't or wont remember it isn't allowed or both and may not be lying at all because she really doesn't know or remember she is smoking, maybe due to delusion, maybe just her memory. It's unlikely even setting off a smoke detector is going to train her because her mind isn't working like that. Whatever the case any sort of confrontation or assumption she can control her behavior may simply be futile. So I wouldn't assume she is being stubborn, lying to you or difficult or approach it that personal and direct a way for all of your sake.

I do have a couple of questions, how is she getting the cigarettes and lighters or matches? Is she a life long smoker, has she always smoked or is this newer behavior or very old behavior (she quit years ago for instance but started doing this again recently)? If she isn't a life long smoker and addicted maybe tackling the issue from the point of access would be a better approach. Cut off her supply and she may just forget about it, out of sight out of mind. The other things you could try are fake cigarettes for instance or something like that if the driving factor is more about the motion or "habit" of holding a cigarette or even sneaking it (maybe she is living in a period of her life when she was sneaking a smoke in the bathroom as a teenager).

Try challenging yourself, in a fun way, to figure out where her mind might be and what is driving her behavior and then to find a way to work with and around that rather than taking it as a personal assault and talking about confronting her, calling her a liar and being frustrated with your husband for not calling her out on it. Maybe you have ;earned a secret about her youthful rebellion you never would have known if it hadn't been for this dementia behavior. This is interesting and maybe something you can relate to a bit better but if it were me I wouldn't want to make her aware of having divulged this secret to everyone even if I could, why embarrass her or terrify her about what other things she might do. I would look for ways to guide her and help her re-bury those secrets and keep the smell out of everyone's bathrooms without making her face it if at all possible. But that's just my suggestion, I'm not living in your shoes. I do think I might be having a harder time with my husbands unwillingness to help or even acknowledge the issue for me than with my MIL's broken brain and altered thinking but maybe that's being too hard on him too, IDK. It may be that the whole thing is just too much for him I suppose at least right now. It is so hard to remember they aren't thinking, reacting and behaving in their normal way, their brains are not functioning on the same level as ours, because they often appear normal, as they always have on the outside making it so hard to remember that they aren't operating normally on the inside and when you do stop to remember that it's heartbreaking. Nothing easy about any of this but trying to keep life as normal and inclusive for them as you obviously are for your MIL is such a gift of love. You are giving such a gift to your MIL, your husband and your children, the whole family by opening your home and life to her, your family is very lucky.

You can buy smoke odor candles that you can burn in the bathroom so you are not spending 12 hours cleaning.

You listed 4 things that are the sum total of her life. If she quits smoking that is 25% of her being. What can fill that void?

She is 88 and dementia is unfortunately a terminal disease, if you can just deal with it, I think it would be better all around.

You have confronted her to no avail , learning to pick your battles is so important when dealing with dementia.

Can you get to her purse and get rid of the cigarettes and matches? I had to do this with my mother in law but in her case it was beer. She was a binge drinker and her daughter would take her to get it and even pay for it. She was a nasty drunk. So while visiting her daughter with the mIL I took the beer out of the fridge and put it under my bed. (She was afraid to confront me) and the next morning I pored it all down the tollet in full view of everyone. My boys were small at the time and I refused to let them see their beloved grandma drunk. When she lived with us I would search her room and the garage and toss any beer. Anyway.... if she goes to the store, go through her purse and get rid of her smokes. Check the room she is staying in if you need to look there. Check the bathroom and see if she's hiding them there. I would assume they are on her if she's smoking outside the house (store, bowling). Is it just her visiting or is her husband with her? If so, get him to help you search. And for heavens sake, light a fire (pun inteneded) under your husband. It's his mother. He needs to man up and help you with this. The least he can do (if he's too chicken to talk to her) is to help you search for the smokes. Telling her not to smoke isn't going to work because of the dementia. She's not going to remember it. By the way, you have my permission to go through her pockets and luggage once she's asleep at night.

Can you get to her purse and get rid of the cigarettes and matches? ... if she goes to the store, go through her purse and get rid of her smokes. Check the room she is staying in if you need to look there. Check the bathroom and see if she's hiding them there. I would assume they are on her if she's smoking outside the house (store, bowling). Is it just her visiting or is her husband with her? If so, get him to help you search. And for heavens sake, light a fire (pun inteneded) under your husband. It's his mother. He needs to man up and help you with this. The least he can do (if he's too chicken to talk to her) is to help you search for the smokes. Telling her not to smoke isn't going to work because of the dementia. She's not going to remember it. By the way, you have my permission to go through her pockets and luggage once she's asleep at night.

If you and your Husband are living together this is his problem as well and he is minimizing you in not paying attention to your wishes.
What if this was one of your children that was smoking in the house? What would he say then? I think his response would be different. This is his mother so he does not want to make waves.
You can not do anything if she is smoking in her house, in a bowling alley or any other place. (You could tell management and see what they say as smoking indoors in a public space is no longer permitted)
Now what to do...
Go through her purse, lock the cigarettes in the car or lock her purse in the car when she visits you. If she wants a cigarette she has to go out to get them.
(I wonder if you can get a VERY sensitive smoke detector and put it in the bathroom so if she does light up an alarm will go off) Also a side note here if she is putting cigarette butts down the toilet they can clog and the plumbing bill just might change your husbands mind.

You are in for a battle but if it helps any I am right there with you I would not put up with it either.
(Maybe when MIL visits you can take off to a NICE hotel and come back only after your HUSBAND has cleaned the house of that nasty smell. A nice quiet bed, room service, a pool, massage...I think you are worth it!)

I am sure you have bigger things in life to worry about; for example the starving children in China OR WHERE EVER; so come off the high horse and ask for the pack of cigarettes at the door...it is just that simple. Life is too short and sometimes downright ugly to wrangle over 12 hour bathroom cleanup periods (sheer lunacy) over smoking episodes. Take the time also to have a sit down; in love; and help your Mother in Law determine why she smokes; dementia or not; and the answer(s) may surprise you...and allow you the opportunity to understand YOUR OWN problems behind the smoke! Good Luck!

HIS mother ... YOUR ?! problem. And if dementia gets worse or she gets angry and causes a fire whose problem then ???

So sad that husband does not want to take responsibility.

Rent a small shed if possible and put your special stuff there.

Its unfortunate that your husband thinks his mother's issues are yours alone. Given you will need to handle this alone, try this.....when she arrives and you can get to her bag when she is not there, take the cigarettes out of it....when she leaves put them back in. If she is going into the bathroom to smoke, she remembers you don't want her doing it in the house, so this trait, probably well ingrained, is one she does instinctively, not intentionally.

I recently 'inherited' a 71-year old, blind, paranoid schizophrenic. My brother had been helping him for some 30+ years. My brother passed in Oct. in some part due to the stress of Seymour's non-adherence to rules, meds, and suggestions.
When I took over (dear Seymour), wasn't in any services system, and his living conditions were deplorable. He smoked a pack or more a day, in an apartment building that did not allow smoking at all. He was going to be put out of the only place he'd lived since 1980. Would not quit.

I introduced e-cigarettes to him. Just a couple at first, then a few more, and finally said I would not be buying any more cigs, or tobacco or papers. He was plenty mad at me for awhile, and he still says yes when doctors ask if he smokes.
But he can stay in his apartment now, there's no smell, he can exhale 'smoke', and now he accepts them completely.
He can't see to fill a vapor pen, and I'm not going there. They are too expensive and high maintenance for him.
Just try it. You might be surprised. NO ONE believed I would get him to quit.

Let her smoke in her own home. That's her space. Confiscate her cigarettes when she enters your home. Provide an alternative 'treat' instead. Perhaps a piece of gum or hard candy that she can suck on. If she objects to confiscation, tell her that her cigarettes will be placed in the glove box of your husband's vehicle. If she's really desperate for a smoke, she can retrieve them there, but must finish the smoke on the porch or in the car. I also used the very real problem that I have asthma and am allergic to tobacco smoke. So tobacco is not allowed in the my house.

On the flip side, cigarette addiction is more difficult for the person to control than even alcohol. Many alcoholics have reported that they manage to stay sober more easily than permanently stopping smoking. Dementia or not, try to be compassionate about her addiction without enabling it.

Take away the cigerettes at the door. Not negotiable. Give them back when she is in the car to go home. She can smoke outdoors or not all while at your home. It is not your job to try to get her to stop smoking, and you can't make her stop anyway. The problem seems to be stopping her from smoking in your home. That's all you can do.

Your house, your rules. Tell Mom that from this day, if she needs to have a smoke that she would need to go outside. And once she comes back into the house, she immediately needs to wash her hands.

Sadly all the smoke that is on her clothes and in her hair will be transferred to any upholstery furniture :( But is is better than smoking in the house which gets into all the heating ducts.

Your problem huh? Ok. That would upset me more than MIL. She at least has dementia.

He is in denial and you are too if you are putting up with this. I think it’s a sign of how he will choose to handle objectionable/dangerous behavior going forward.

Her dementia will increase. Some things you can ignore. Some you can’t.

Cause for drastic action IMHO.

Put a LOUD and sensitive smoke detector in your bathroom/s out of her sight (initially) and out of her reach.

One that will cause a great deal of alarm (for her) and be a problem to turn off (for husband). You see her head for the bathroom, you run a quick errand. Leave hubs to deal with.

Cheaper and less drama you could pick up her purse and take the lighter or cigs out of her purse when she comes in your house.

When she leaves you can give them back.

If ANYONE including your husband finds this objectionable, just tell him/them you didn’t do it even though you might have done it right in front of everyone.

Don’t invite her to your home.

Do take action. Come back and let us know how it’s going. We learn from one another.

A different solution may be to say that MIL can’t visit. That brings the issue between you and your husband, not you and MIL. Think it through...

First of all, you look for and REMOVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH SMOKING. Second, you put a smoke detector in the bathroom and make sure it works to set off the alarms. Catch her in the act and raise holy hell with her that you will NOT allow this under any circumstances. Third, if she has dementia, she is going to get worse and worse and be more and more of a problem. Unless you can tie her to your apron string 24/7 (and god help you if you did that), she will continue to do things she should not do and will cause more problems. It is time to face the fact that you must remove her from your home. You have NO other options.

If u ever had the habit u would understand u can get nicorett lozengers and leave them for her and u can put healthy foods in the fridge grapes .strawbaries .but we cant controle unaverse .let her move into apt..and live let live ..its her life ..maybe she doesnt want to live ..maybe shes sick of life ..never really know what some one feels at that age ..but U cant controle universe

Nicotine is a difficult addiction to quit. I've never smoked. Yuck! Try the gum and lozenges.

I would be concerned she might burn down the house. If possible, take her cigarettes away from her.

Sidestream smoke is a known carcinogen.

You have every right to insist that she go outside to smoke. Sidestream smoke is particularly harmful to the lungs of young children.

She likely should not be smoking, anyway. Smoking is a major factor in dementia. It will only make it worsen more quickly.

The smoke detector suggestion sounds reasonable.

I have found most smokers to be very inconsiderate of others even if they don't have dementia. I don't think they know how disgusting they smell to nonsmokers.
Anyway, I think the idea of take the pack of cigarettes at the door is a good idea.
If for some reason that doesn't work, buy a fire extinguisher for every room in the house.

She should keep her lung cancer and C.O.P.D. to herself.