I moved in with my father 10 years ago when he was diagnosed with Vascular dementia to care for and help him. I have a brother who lives here in the area but up until recently never really saw him much. Maybe 5 times in the 10 years. I do absolutely everything around here. I cook, clean, do all the laundry and fix things that need to be fixed around the house. I care for my father from the moment I wake up in the morning until he goes to sleep at night. I take him to his doctor appointments and I make sure his medication is there for him. Really, I can't name anything that I don't do. However in the last 2 months my brother and his wife have been trying to get in the middle of everything. They now want to make sure that his medication is ready for him and she has weaseled her way in to taking him to doctor appointments. Somehow she made him make that decision. My father has now changed everything to be left to my brother (house, bank account, life insurance, etc.) My brother has also been named POA with my dad's bank account. They want me to talk him into moving in with them. Now out of nowhere my father says that he is cutting off the utilities and moving in with them. I gave up my home, my life and marriage to care for him with no help at all for 10 years. What can I do? Please help!
Many families step into an unofficial *Care for Housing Deal*.
It's not a legal arrangement, more a social one.
Stepping in to provide live-in care is a choice made, often by the heart.
Assumptions about who owns what or who will inherit one day.. can lie dormant.. but then rise up with the hard facts of the law behind them.
Eg: An elder needs to move/downsize/AL & their property gets sold to fund their move/care needs. Any live-in family caregivers can be left unhoused.
Therefore decsions to become a live-in caregiver are best made by both heart & head. (All well & good to say with hindsight..)
Which takes me full circle back to a sit down chat with your family. Clear up NOW what ARE the expectations.
Is it possible your brother was always the PoA but never had to act on it until recently? You don't say that you were ever legally your Father's PoA... if he made all these arrangements recently then an elder law attorney would be able to see he didn't have "capacity".
In a response you stated that you only want "the truck". So, you asked for it and your brother said no...? Maybe your brother needs to sell it to help pay for your Father's ongoing care?
I agree that finding a court-arranged family mediator would be the place to start if your brother agrees to it.
More info would be helpful.
Are YOU his POA? (That should have been done 10 years ago.)
If you are not POA you can not be his POA now, you would have to file for Guardianship.
I don't know how they got the bank to allow a change on his account unless they have documents from an attorney giving them "authority" to do so.
It is possible that your Brother and SIL are in the process of filing for Guardianship. You need to see an Elder Care Attorney like yesterday.
If you have read enough posts, comments, questions here you know that you should never give up YOUR home, family, job to care for anyone.
If your brother and SIL become your fathers Guardian you will have lost virtually everything, you have no home, I presume no job and do you have a family left?
You need to see a lawyer now.
A brother you have hardly seen in 10 years.. I can understand being like.. WHO are you? And why do you want to help NOW??
In cases like this there can be a wide gap between what you view & your goals to a sibling's view & goals.
Sometimes one sibling wants an elder to stay at home. Is ok to do as much as they can to support this. But another sibling wants the elder to move elsewhere/downsize or into care.
One sees a 'care home' as prision or last resort.. another sees a safer environment, more socialisation.
It would be great if you could sit down with your brother & wife. Each explain your views... Of looking after Dad, what you see, think, your goals are. Then after hearing each other's view, some understanding may happen. You may still not AGREE but may understand better. Maybe compromise can be sought..? Based on shared family values, safety, Dad's wishes.
Some families are even tempered, patient, reasonable & do this naturally. But many many others may like to have a third party present as a mediator. A non-family person to keep any 'meeting' reasonable. A social worker, aged care needs assessor, a religious/faith leader (if appropriate).
The best outcome is a family working together to support the elder, rather than starting wars with each other. I wish you luck.
And when your brother tries to return your father back to you in six months, laugh in his face then slam the door.
If your father has had vascular dementia for 10 years, it may be that he is not legally competent to make all the changes that it seems have only just been done - “everything to be left to my brother – house, bank account, life insurance etc”. That’s if they actually have been done, rather than just talked about. If nothing has been done, it may help to put the bank etc on notice that any changes are likely to be contested. How do you think things were left before B & SIL appeared on the scene? How did you expect to be compensated for your 10 year care stint? Is there a will?
If you question the legality of changes it will also need involvement from his doctor and from a lawyer. Start by clicking on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, then V for Vascula Dementia, to start checking how quickly it would progress over 10 years, and what his care needs will have been. Do you know when it was diagnosed? Do you have HIPPA, so that you can ask his doctor? You need a summary of the ‘dementia’ factors you can ‘prove’, and preferably some independent evidence. F is not going to like being told that he is not legally competent, so don't just blurt it out.
This is a very difficult situation. Get your facts together, take it steadily and carefully. A family fight is almost never the best outcome.
This is for your reply below about only wanting the truck. Why? Sounds like you deserve something since you never got paid for your slavery.
Did you get POA over dad?
Sounds like if dad does move in with brother then you have nothing and no way to pay the bills. If this does not happen let it be a wake up call to you that dad now needs to be moved into a facility and you need a paying job so you can support yourself, because once dad is dead if brother really does get everything then you will be out on the street. A fact that makea your dad a grade A a--ho-e if he could makes those changes to his will.
Time to start taking care of yourself.
This confused me, as where I am a truck is a much larger vehicle. Ours is a Heavy Rigid, 3 axle, 10 wheel Scania, for which only DH has a license. I couldn’t quite see how this sort of truck fitted into your caring duties or your concern about brother taking over things.
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