I am not having an affair, but he continues to think I am. Last night, I got up to go to the bathroom at 3 am and when I came back to bed, he started screaming at me that I was out all night and started slapping me. I was able to get away and slept downstairs. This morning he didn't remember anything about it. A few months ago, the same thing happened and he tried to choke me. What should I do?
It's a hard terrible choice to make, but if he was not a violent person to begin with, he would not want this for either of you. For your safety and his, it's time to get outside help.
If this is a new symptom, it represents a "change in mental status" and needs to be reported to the doctor who is following his dementia.
Has he been checked for a UTI? Could it be that he needs a medication adjustment? I like to think of dementia as "broken brain syndrome"; depending upon the kind of dementia, you never know just HOW the broken-ness is going to express itself.
Involve his doctor in the solution to this; clearly, if this situation continues, it will change your ability to care for him at home. Make sure the doctor understands that this is a game-changer for you.
if it was me, i'd make a change before it's too late!
God speed
This can be common with Lewy Body Dementia or Alzheimer's.
You need to protect yourself.
You need to place him where you will be safe as well as him.
He needs to be evaluated and on proper medications. The reason for the proper diagnosis is that the medications for Lewy Body are/can be quite different than with other Dementia. If the wrong medication is given to a person with Lewy Body it can be fatal.
Protecting yourself is priority. (A friend of mine woke up when her husband had his hand around her throat and a knife in his other hand)
PLEASE talk to your doctor about this or his. This is not something that he is aware that he is doing it is the disease but the outcome can be bad either way. And if you are injured you will not be able to care for him properly, and it will be as if your family is suffering two losses.
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2. Others suggest getting his doctor involved - ABSOLUTELY.
3. Depending on what Doc can do (as others say some medication can help) will determine what direction you need to go.
If medication helps, great. Again, from reading other posts the right medication may be a trial and error game - some work, some do not and from reading other posts the cause of the dementia is important (may need neuro doc for this, not just a GP/primary care).
In either case, until you can find a solution (it may be getting him into a care facility), can you sleep in another room, preferably with a lock on the door? It does not sound like there are issues during the day hours, so to protect yourself a locked room would be the way to do that while you get working on resolving this.
Final note: IGNORE Dontask comments. He/She does NOT even support your statement about not having an affair. I would NEVER listen to someone who quite clearly doesn't trust you! Typically the responses, suggestions, explicit instructions and run on about his/her own experiences often have NOTHING to do with the question posed. This is NOT about who owns the house, nor is this *really* a police matter. The man has dementia and this is NEW behavior, so clearly there needs to be a medical intervention - either medication or placement elsewhere, but meanwhile the poster can protect herself if she can sleep in another room with a locked door while working out what needs to be done.
So many questions that you need to ask yourself. An excuse of not remembering or a promise it won't happen again is not a solution. From the 2 incidents you've shared I would run, not walk, from your spouse & this relationship. It's not healthy or working for you or him.
There are professionals in your community who can help you, they have methods & reasons in place for what they need to do. Reach out to them for your safety, your well being & self.
A forum or the internet can't fix this, you can. Do it for you.
Blessings 🌸
My mother was already showing signs of dementia when she got a UTI and her symptoms became much worse. That only lasted until the infection was treated.
Here is a very helpful AC article on the subject: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/urinary-tract-infections-elderly-146026.htm
The paranoia you describe is frequent in dementia. My husband thought I was stealing from him. I know that accusations of an affair are common. Thank goodness I didn't have to deal with that -- I don't know how I could have stood that. In my husband's case the paranoia lasted only a few months. You must protect yourself, even though this is not your "real" husband doing this.
Has the violence only happened at night? Do the paranoid accusations occur during the day, but without the violence? Sleep disturbances are common in dementia. They don't often take on this character, but it does happen. PLEASE discuss this with the specialist treating his dementia.
My husband used to strike me or kick me in the middle of the night. He never remembered in the morning. This was decades before other dementia symptoms. We even went to a marriage counselor. But then we discovered the problem was REM sleep behavior disorder, closely associated with Lewy Body Dementia. He really was not in control of his actions. That was treated and the problem went away. He did eventually display full LBD symptoms. Ask your husband's specialist if a sleep study might be in order.
Please come back and update us on how this unfolds.
Talk to your doctor.. tell him what you are seeing and experiencing. Need to make sure there is not something else going on... brain scans, head CT, MRI. If all organic causes ruled out, Have him checked out for Lewy Body dementia. This disease causes people to act out dreams and not remember them.
There is no way to definitely diagnose this except with brain biopsy after one passes on. Neurologist can, based on symptoms told to them by witnesses( forgetfulness, inability to handle finances and other duties previously handled, any unusual behavior to give a presumptive diagnosis. Good news there are medication that can help control the dreams and the acting out of them. Neuro- psych testing can help to evaluate other deficiencies
My sister in law experienced something similar to what you have with the dreams.primary care Doctors tend not to think along these lines but be persistent.
It took her showing the doctors a video of one of her husbands nightly dreams for them to believe her and get the ball rolling fo help diagnosis.
Look up Lewy Body dementia on line and bring article to the doctor with you and a list of his symptoms.
It's not an easy disease, but knowing what it is can make it easier to handle. Best of luck with this.... you need to keep yourself safe. take care
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I didn't read your profile before I posted, not realizing your spouse is suffering from ALZ. I'm sorry.
With ALZ there can be an abundance of behavior changes during the progression of the disease. You state this was not the first abusive encounter from him & it sounds verbal & physical.
He should be seeing an experienced & knowledgeable neurologist periodically. You should be sharing all concerns, even any kind of abuse with his doctor. If he is not on medications it may be time to introduce them.
If you want to continue caring for him in your home you may have to consider making changes to keep yourself safe. Locked doors, separate quarters, removing things that can be used as weapons. If you are caring for him one on one it may be time to introduce experienced help, better sooner than later.
Your spouse is going thru many changes due to ALZ. His old personality may be affected, getting worse, only you know this. With ALZ & dementia it's questionable how one will be during the course of this disease. Your husband & you, the relationship, will be affected.
You will have to educate yourself on dealing with anger & behavior issues, especially if your choice & decision is keeping him home. You matter & you have to feel safe & secure.
Stay strong & focused
Blessings 🌸
First of all I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.
Second, my suggestion would be as others have mentioned to seek help from your husband's doctor, who will likely either adjust his medications or introduce new ones after re-evaluating him.
But I'd do that ASAP!
However, even after adjusting meds, what I'd do as a first safe attempt to keep caring for him while preserving your wellbeing, would be to hire overnight help and sleep in a separate bedroom. I imagine that even though your mind understands you're in danger, your heart and also the tiredness from caring for a loved one with mental disabilities doesn't let you fully digest the fact that one more episode is all you need to potentially lose your life.
I also understand that probably the last resource you want to use is to move him to a facility. Hence I think you should find overnight help (since the problem seems to be at night) AND sleep in another bedroom..locked. At least until after a long enough period, when you feel confident the new medication is truly working.
I don't think just sleeping in a different bedroom and locking yourself would be enough or wise, because the same way that this new obsession/paranoia came to him, another different one can come, and him staying by himself all night could get up with no one to ensure he doesn't do anything that endangers your and even his own life.
If this doesn't work, then I'd seriously consider moving him to a place where he can be properly taken care of.
I've said this several times to different people and even to myself. One of the hardest parts of being a caregiver is to be able to realize, accept and act on the fact that the care of our loved one is beyond what we can do to effectively protect them and provide them with the attention they truly need. The good news is that in many cases, after the transition from home care to a facility is completed the caregiver sees positive results and wonders why she/he didn't do it sooner!
Trust your instincts and remind yourself that all you're doing is for his wellbeing and because of your love for him. I think in a healthy state of mind, he would without hesitation tell you to protect yourself!
God bless and please be safe!
Just another phase in the sickness. I have told my husband if he hits me he will be place in a home. Says he would never hit me ,but you never know.
Stay safe..Do what you have to do to protect yourself..
You must preserve your safety while you are trying to help stabilize your husbands behavior. This is not your husband doing this, it is the disease. You must protect yourself from this disease and he would want you to. It is hard, but if he harms you seriously, you will not be able to care for him. Protecting yourself is also a way to protect your husband.
Sorry & silly of me to not read your profile before my post, but, you have plenty of good advice here.
ALZ & dementia can cause many behavioral concerns. These can be verbal & physical, never good for anyone.
Always a good idea to do periodic visits to a neurologist & a general practitioner. Honesty is always the best policy & there are meds that may help for behavior concerns & a full lab work up can tell a lot, a uti for example.
The more you can learn about dealing with his behavior issues the better, especially if you are it for his primary caregiver. You've got to be safe, so, your home may need changes as well, sooner better than later.
You've got to get the behavior manageable to caregive & it's a must if you want to do a day program, aides to help you & him, a respite for you. These things can benefit the both of you.
You've got a lot of work to do. Stay strong, focused & safe.
Blessings 🌸