My wife and I moved abroad to Thailand for three years back in 2016. At that time I did not want to move abroad because my parents were elderly and my father had Parkinson’s. We moved abroad anyway and I left my job for her job as a trailing spouse. We spent three wonderful years there. Now we are back in United States. She now wants to move abroad again but my father has progressed quite a bit. I have spoken with her and told her that I want to be closer to my parents because I’m worried about their health. She has given me ultimatums a few times saying that we are different people. We have two small children. I want to be there for my father but I don’t want my marriage to get ruined and not be able to see my children. Should I leave my parents, or should I separate to care for my father? I don’t want to ruin my marriage over this but she will not compromise.
You already gave up your job once and left the US when you didn't want to, if you do it again, you may live to regret it once the resentment kicks in. Then the marriage is compromised AGAIN, even more than it already is!
It sounds like some marriage counseling is in order, if, of course, your wife is willing to see that it's necessary. If not, you have some very serious thinking to do about your future and what you want it to look like.
I'm sorry you're being forced into a corner like this. My husband and I just had a talk last night about teamwork and how vital it is to make a marriage work. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
That being said, being given "ultimatums" by your wife isn't healthy. Maybe a few meetings with a marriage counselor will help objectively put things in perspective for the both of you. Your anxiety and sadness are real and understandable, but so is your wife's expectation of not being forever tethered to your parents. A counselor can help sort through it so you both can (hopefully) come to a unified decision.
Moving further away from aging family to avoid being pressed into caregiver service is understandable. Families have been known to do just that and no judgements.
Packing up their spouses and children then leaving the country is a bit excessive. If they were dealing with my mother, going to the moon to avoid becoming the caregiver would be understandable.
The more probable explanation is the wife wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and just be truthful about it. Making her job the "bad guy" and the reason for an international relocation of her husband and kids, takes any blame off of her.
The poster should start talking with a few divorce lawyers and see what his chances look like to get custody of his kids so they don't have to be uprooted and moved to Thailand.
To me family and values are priority and so I understand why you would want to be closer to your family as they age and or are sick. Time and memories together is something one can never get back.
But there also has to be boundaries so that everyone matters and everyone gets time - I know this as I’m still trying to figure it out and find a balance for myself in regard to my moms care and my other relationships (that did suffer after moms stroke). There has to be a balance - and without knowing more or both sides (as there is always 2 sides) I would just suggest before making any big decisions to see if your spouse would do therapy with you in hopes to find a better way for all including your children. Best wishes.
Stay in the United States if that's where you want to be. Don't stay here for your parents and don't become their caregiver. Stay for yourself. I don't know you, but it sure seems to me like you're probably the one who made most or all the sacrifices and compromises in your marriage. That's not fair.
Maybe speak to a divorce lawyer. Also remind your wife that the kids are American citizens and you are their father. That should maybe deter her from getting cute on certain things. Good luck to you.
Your description makes your wife come off as a ball busting alpha witch and you as a milquetoast doormat, do you feel that is an accurate representation of your life? If so then maybe some counselling could help you set healthier boundaries in respect to both your wife and your parents.
I would suggest counseling with a psychologist to help with your decision making. You will have to get your parents used to accessing the community for care help, just as they would if they didn't have children; you would have to spend any vacation time, almost certainly, returning to check on your parents. Lots and lots to consider when any big move is considered, whether out of country or within. Best of luck in your decision making. Try not to fight and to argue but to sit quietly and make lists of all things to consider for BOTH of you and for your CHILDREN and extended family.
Were your children already born when you moved to Thailand? Were they born in Thailand or since being back in the U.S.?
I moved to be closer to and help care for my in-laws. I know how difficult it can be even when there is enough money to pay for in-home services for aging parents. I think you need to take a good look at your parents' finances to get an idea of what they can and cannot afford were you to move abroad again.
Do you already have DPOA both medical and financial for your parents? In my opinion, it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority to do so.
For my husband and I, we really only have one dealbreaker - cheating. Every other problem we come across, we work through. So, I suppose what I’m asking you is, is your wanting to stay a dealbreaker for your wife? Cannot you not talk about it and say that you will go in 5 years instead, regardless of your parent’s condition?
If the only thing keeping your marriage together is that you do whatever she says, you have bigger problems. For a strong marriage to work, you both have to be honest with your feelings, and you need to COMPROMISE. We kind of approach it like, “Who does it matter more to?” Like, going on a vacation - you want to go to Bahamas, whereas she wants to go to Italy. Do you talk about it and figure out who it matters more to? If you would consider leaving your wife and your kids to stay with your parents, I’m guessing it matters to you A LOT.
Best advice: search for the compromise. You can both be winners here, instead of both being losers (and I mean that in the nicest way).
Joint custody is seriously a calendar with dates on the week marked out. How's she supposed to do this in Thailand? And if you've been in the househusband/lower income producing spouse role, then she'll have to pay for all that while keeping the kids here.
What's a problem here is the "ultimatum" and "we are different people" talk. I.e. your spouse is playing hardball in the negotiation. The talk should really be softer and of a problem-solving nature. So, as other people have written, there are other problems besides whether to move to Thailand or not.
People do get frustrated in marriages because they just don't know how to negotiate properly. The best book I've read on negotiating is Getting to Yes by Robert Fisher and William Ury. See if your wife would be willing to read and study the book with you.
Wikipedia has an article about the book: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Getting_to_Yes
Your wife may be thinking you should all get on with your lives as your parents have had theirs to a degree. And how many more years will you be tied to them for. Many children already live across the other side of the world from their parents.
I agree with her to an extent but also don't understand how a wife can be so selfish and domineering. It needs serious input from You and her for such a huge decision.
My mum has lived with me for 5 years. I gave up my life for her and am very unhappy. She is 95 and could go on for many more years. I would love to move away but can't, and I would love a normal life again before it's too late for me!!
If your wife won't at least have an adult conversation with you about the pros and cons and take your feelings into account then there may be deeper issues that need addressing. Good luck.
Is there any chance your parents would be able to make the move with you?
Would Wife do this to her parents too? If so. Look out for when you get old and need help because I would say she wouldn't be there to help when the time comes.
Don't make the Choice because you don't have a Choice, choosing between you parents or your wife and kids aren't a choice.
Tell wife at this time you feel you have to stay here but will move later after your parents pass.
Also tell wife that you Will Not Allow her to take the Children Abroad.
If she feels the need to divorce you, that's her choice but she'll be going abroad Alone.
Prayers
His children are his first priority NOT his parents.
You obviously don't have children or a spouse or you wouldn't guilt trip a man to forsake his children for his parents.
Yep, troll looking to start crap and lay guilt trips on people. A moral pigmy.
I would consider taking a good look at your relationship with your wife before deciding anything. Is it possible you have often put your parents first? It is good to look after our parents but how will you feel after they are gone and you have let your children go in the mean time? How will your children feel about that as they grow up learning they did not come first?
You have not said anything much about your relationship with your wife and why she might feel like this but your first step might be to get to the bottom of why she is unhappy and then make decisions on how to compromise.
Good luck.
If the answer is yes, then this is an excruciating decision for you.
Your first priority is your children.
What is best for them?
I think you really need to see a counselor. This is a tough, tough call for you.
If your wife will go with you, that might give you two an opportunity to find a way to save your marriage
Looking back we realize we should have lived our lives, his parents had had theirs, they had travelled, lived and loved, we never had or will have that again. If he is in a place that takes care of him you have done your job as a son. Zoom him and talk, visit him when you can, but live YOUR life.
My mother is 80 with Parkinson’s and beyond what her children can care for, the best thing you can do for everyone is set them up well before you go.
The truth is your not free to care for your parents, marriage isn’t optional when circumstances change. You’ll need/want that relationship too as you grow older.
Not to mention kids shouldn’t come from a broken home bc their grandparents got old.
They are watching you make life decisions, please go have more wonderful years and delegate senior care to the professionals. If you do it yourself doesn’t make it better if you’re sacrificing your own family.
Good luck on this difficult decision.
Being the person who has been taking care of my mother for 20 years and seeing the immense sacrifice my husband has made because of it, I would NEVER pick my mother over my husband and children.
You don’t give any details about your parents’ current state of care, whether you have siblings and other salient details which are very germane to this decision. You need to go talk with a therapist and hash it all out there, but the fact that you’re even thinking of choosing your dying father over your marriage and children is mind boggling. If my husband told me we needed to move, I’d make sure my mother had appropriate placement and I’d pack and go.
First thing I would do is find out your rights thru a lawyer without saying anything to anyone. You need to know your legal rights. She certainly doesn't care about your legal rights. Did you marry here or there? Are kids US citizens? A parent cannot just take off with the kids and tell the other parent too bad for you. You want to stay behind, Im going. WRONG WRONG. Why are you tolerating that?
She sounds narcissistic. Seems she can't make up her mind where she wants to live.
I think it is cheaper there.
Perhaps you can put things in place with your parents first. Get poa and end of life decisions in order first. Do you have any family around to help? If things go bad, you will probably have to fly back to see to things.
Maybe you can get them into assisted living now? What do they want?
I know some people get sucked into daily care, but that can be very draining if they have personality disorders, or are difficult people.
I don't know why you don't get a say in your marriage and that her needs trump yours, or she threatens to leave you and says she's taking your kids and you won't get to see them. She has no right to take them or withold them from you. There are laws against that. Why do you not know this?
Marriage takes 2 people. One person doesn't get all their needs met, and the other gets walked on. I can't believe you ate tolerating ultimatum like that.
I'd get a lawyer 1st thing just to know my rights in case you come home and she is gone, and all you did was go check on your parents. She obviously doesn't care to much about her marriage if she is threatening you bc she doesn't get her way.
Why does she get her way, and you get no say? Wow
You and she will get old some day. What are you teaching your children? And if you suddenly got ill - sounds like she would ditch you to do what she wants..
Women are hypergamous by nature. So, women in "hypogamous" situations often view their relationship differently. Statistically, marriages where the woman is making all the money have a very high divorce rate (something like 80%), and high infidelity rate where the man cheats on the woman.
All the marriages I've personally known of friends in such a hypogamous marriage have failed.
Just sayin. Sociologically, that's usually how it works. I don't know if any of this applies to the OP though.