I am so struggling with this. I have had a week off and got it off my mind, but the time has come to make a decision. I need to start by saying that 10 years ago, dad, hubby and I bought a house together so that he would never have to go into a nursing home. his is a separate apartment although connected to the house. So little did I know about what happens when you grew old .... now he is pretty sharp in some ways but gets confused and very very forgetful. He is now in an ALF where he signed a 1 month contract and I had promised him when I got back (I went away for a break) id bring him home. Two social workers not connected with the ALF tell me that it would be crazy to bring him home because it just means he has access to alcohol and he is really jonesing for it. IF he does what I suspect, he could fall in the middle of the night and I wouldn't even know it. We can afford some day care, but not 24 hour care and I dread finding him passed out again. But I promised. And I ask myself if I were very sure when its my time to go wouldn't I want someone to support me? And what if he is good on his word and stays dry, which he did when my stepmother watched over him like a hawk for a decade. I so don't want to break his heart, so much that im thinking about ignoring all the advise and binging him home. am I being delusional? oh, he tried to go awol 2 times in a week. and he is not participating or connecting. and he hates it although it is a nice place. he wants home, where nothing happens except he has control. VA called and said they could send about 3 - 1 hr days of help a week and I could get more from private sources, but nobody can control that bourbon bottle at night. I think I know to do but then I change my mind because I made a promise and because he's scared and because he is still going through psychological withdrawal and because I have to go back to work or my company could go down the tubes. Still, if I could get the right care and let God take care of I the rest, we could have an agreement that if something happened and he didn't die from it (I am okay being that blunt) then he doesn't fight me anymore about ALF or something called Medical Foster Home that is VA's equivalent of ALF. 4-5 vets live in a house .... under medical supervision. Eat as a family; I can see him playing gin with the old timers... this is hard. I know there is no perfect answer but in times like this ive always followed my heart instead of my head and honestly it usually works out better in the long run; my company is a medical, mission-based nonprofit driven by my passion for animals. if he had 4 legs this probably wouldn't be a problem! (wow, a little levity?)
if this all sounds familiar,i apologize. I haven't resolved it yet....thanks for input....
It sounds like you know the possible problems of bringing him home. This is pretty blunt but you have to be really sure that you're OK with him dying next door from something you could have prevented by leaving him in ALF.
Is he able to get out and buy his own alcohol? If not, you can just refuse to buy it or keep it at your house if you're OK with the occasional drink. It sounds like he has a long history of drinking too much. You can't really fix that unless you're willing to police him like your stepmother did, which isn't any way for you to live. Has he ever tried a 12 step program to stop drinking? You never know, it might help.
Personally, I think IF you can keep him home safely and IF it is not having an adverse effect on your marriage, then taking steps to make that possible would be best. It doesn't sound to me like one hour three times a week would be sufficient in-home care. How much help can you get for the same amount he is paying now for ALF? Does he have additional money or assets to pay for more help if/when it becomes needed?
But please understand this: even if you can arrange for enough help and things go smoothly for a while, it may very well reach a point where he will require too much help to remain in a private home. If that happens, this does NOT mean you've failed. You've already given him 10 more years of independence than he could have had without you. If you can give him another year or more, fabulous! If you can't, or if you can now but can't continue in the future, celebrate what you achieved and take the next difficult but necessary step with no guilt.
Let us know how things work out for you.
did I say he was 91? he will never join a 12 step group. or so I assume.... he would find it "a waste of time" and I really don't want him driving..no problem with keeping no alcohol here. hubby has a drink once in a while, but he could do without or put somewhere. dad currently has a car but I could make that part of his coming home.
to answer you question about how I would feel if he died here when he could be living in an ALF, I think I can honestly say I would be okay, cause its where he wanted to be. I have read "The Good Death" and I have also reread my POA agreement and it indicates that my mission is to do for him what he would want and cant do for himself. that would be to come home.
Jeanne -- I have already applied for the aid and attendance and can spend it on home care as well which is another 1700 with no problem. I definitely would review (after these damned holidays!) with a out service agency on what I could get for that or even more since he has more needs than just those. Yes, I can make that part of the talk. I spendt till 3am this am on the mayo site checking his diagnosis and the meds. they've got him on Ativan which strongly affects the memory and nothing (even though the evaluation recommended it) for memory loss and depression. the ALF couldn't get anyone to take his PT order over the holidays so he's slipped backwards in the mobility range, but I could either have him stay another month for that or bring him home. Problem is if I brought him home now the PT would be covered by my own funds. So maybe we are looking at a compromise...
Breathe in, breathe out. Thanks guys.
Also, my RN niece told me that they had a patient that they kept on 4oz bourbon 3 times a week. Maybe something like that (and I keep the bottle) would give him enough to "look forward to". Of course, he might save it until he has a cup and a half, but like you say, I cant make myself crazy over that kind of control.
breathe in, breathe out.
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It sounds like you would like to leave him in the ALF but feel guilty about doing it. It also sounds that if he came home he will find a way to drink. Have you cleaned out his apartment and found all of his hiding places? What about your portion of the house? My only thought would be that if he comes home then you would have to go through this entire process again. What if something happened to you? I think it is time for you to let someone else take care of him so you can take care of yourself.
Are you prepared for a complete personality change in your Dad. Can you deal with the rages, the incontinence and hurtful things he may say. refusal to take medications and eat properly, not be prepared to bathe. you have read of all these problems on this forum and they are very real. he will eventually get very weak and not be able to get out of bed. Are you prepared to check on him multiple times in the night. can you continue to work with little sleep
Does your niece have experience dealing with demented patients? she can advice you from a technical point of view and understands medications and physical care, but she works a shift and goes home and has regular days off.
Think about it. Of course everyone wants to stay home and many are able to. but with dementia you have to make your house a prison, that is why memory units have locked doors. Why not compromise for now and leave him therefor another month to get his PT on track. The fact that he has slipped back so much in a few days should also be a big warning sign. Don't make any more promises it just is not fair to either of you. I would urge anyone never to make such promises to an elder when they can not know what the future may bring or how their own health may hold up.. I personally worked till 68 and could have cared for anyone but at 75 could not in anyway manage that. You just never know. Blessings
Your dad is an intelligent and wise man, but nowadays, his brain cells are interfering with that. It's up to you to decide what's best for him. That also includes doing what's most likely to keep you well and able to oversee his care.
You can decide to leave him in the ALF for three months to give him a chance to adjust. You can change your mind in the future, but it would be good to take advantage of the present situation to give the ALF a real trial. Many people actually bloom in the ALF from the social stimulation.
God bless you and Dad.