She never did repay anything. She did write to say how horrible we were and how her therapist told her not to have anything to do with us. She hasn't. No word on any holidays, no announcement about the birth of her daughter, no word when my husband had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery 8 years ago. She has told my son she wants a photo of her daughter and my husband before he passes.
My husband has dementia which began after his surgery. He is becoming quite frail. I am not sure if he would remember her or not as he has periods of lucidity between the dementia. I do not want to have him upset. Another daughter thinks it is her right to see him. I don't really want to see her for the heartache she has caused. Any thoughts?
I’d let her make the next move, if any.
How do your son and daughter feel about their (step?) sister? Do they know the background on the estrangement?
I think your instincts about keeping your husband comfortable and peaceful are good, but whatever happens, will you have confidence in your ability to be objective and matter-of-fact about interacting with your stepdaughter?
Hoping everything works out for the best for all of you.
And I am not confident in my objectivity. Caregiving has changed my confidence
Given the nastiness of the absentee stepdaughter, and although I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, I would be quite brash and put her on the spot, asking that after (a) not making an effort to repay the loan (b) being absent for so long, and (c) discussing the situation with a therapist,, why she it strikes me suddenly wants to reconnect.
A relative who I later learned was a lot nastier and unstable than I realized pulled something like that. I discussed with the staff the potential of her attempting something nefarious with my father, and they responded that all I had to do was raise the issue if she started misbehaving when she visited (she invited herself; I didn't know until that day that she planned to tag along with my brother), they would intervene and have security remove her.
I also alerted Dad's church friends, so they also came up to visit, providing support for Dad and me, and ensuring that she didn't pull any shenanigans. (She did push me out of the way and attempt to use the dysphagia sponges as Dad was still on a ventilator and needed the little moisture the sponges provided.)
At this point, why a photo of your husband and granddaughter together? One option would be to send a photo of your husband, offer to show him a photo of granddaughter. Or drop the granddaughter off at the gate – no reason for daughter to come in if that photo is what she wants. If she actually wants to see her father again herself and can’t even admit it, perhaps forget it!
She repeatedly said she would pay; we took out a loan to cover it. I guess it was all the lying that made my husband throw up his hands and then the nasty letter was the last straw.
When he was still lucid he said aloud he didn't want anything to do with her. I feel that it would be a betrayal if I let her proceed.
The photo is apparently because her cousins daughter didn't get one of her grandpa and she was upset about that.
As far as 'lending' money is concerned, I've never gotten a penny back that I've 'loaned' someone. Ever. That's just the way it works.
If I were you, I'd arrange to have your step daughter see her father and then stay out of the picture entirely while they visit.
None of us here on this forum can be therapists or psychologists and tell you the why's and wherefores of your step daughter's intent in seeing her father, or what, if anything, she is after. All we can do is offer you our opinion on what we think may be your best options here. Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
Did you put it in writing that she had to pay back the loan? Some children feel that parents are obligated to pay for their college educations. The courts will usually be on the side of a child of divorce. Do you remember the case where the girl took her parents to court because they would not pay for the more expensive college of her choice. In that instance the judge ruled against the girl. So, you probably will have to forgive that debt. For me, I don't owe my girls college educations. They are emacipated at 18. But I chose to put them through because I didn't want them in debt. It was also years ago before tuition shot up.
Anytime a child shows up after years of not being around and the parent has a serious illness, I question their motives. Does she think Dad has lots of money and she is entitled to some? I would not keep her away. And I may leave the room for them to visit but I would keep an eye or her. May even go as far as to bug the room. Just so I know what I am up against.
The therapist, he has only heard one side of the story. I can tell you that my one daughters memory of events tends to be alittle out there. Even her sister wonders where these memories come from. I mean you and Dad had to be so mean when u paid for her college, right?
It makes no sense at all.
I'd tell her he's too ill to see her. If you want to be extra snarky, tell him that meeting strangers upsets him.
I suppose I would invite her for a short visit & do the requested photo. Maybe grandchild has asked about him? Maybe it's closure for her?
Be polite, but not open-armed.
Be reasonable, but stay wary.
Any questions to money, house or legacies etc would set off giant alarm bells & end the visit pronto.
Any hints that grandaughter needs school fees, same.
With that said I would be very suspicious that she wants to connect now. Too much time has passed. At this point do nothing. She hasn't contacted you directly and she needs to do that. Do not allow the kids to be the go-betweens. If she does contact you ask her why now? I don't buy the whole picture thing. If she wants a new picture of him send it. Putting her daughter and father in the same picture when they have never met seems strange. I agree with Beatty....if the visit happens but polite but not open-armed.
"She also left the boyfriend that caused the pregnancy before the baby was born. Went back to her mom and hometown. The other siblings talk to her occasionally. When she was little we had visitation, but she mostly didn't stay. She wanted to go home with her mom."
You do understand that statement sounds preachy and judgemental, right? Also, it also implies that she did not want to be around your, "blended family," even as a child.
I did the same kiss off letter at 16. My father was required to pay for my private school and activities. I placed high on placement tests so I was at university most of my days which he had to pay for. He could have made it right and spent time with my sis and I but made the choice to bring the whore and her kids along....one time was enough for me. If you ask him or his now ex, I owe them the world.
To me, it sounds like he chose you over his child and you did not understand the term "stepmom" is earned and not given freely. Maybe, you should step back and let them attempt to make amends even though there is dementia involved. I do not feel what you are doing is right and she owes YOU nothing but may get some peace. That would be how you earn the title.
My husband’s father put on a good front in his younger years. He had the face that he showed in public and then there was the face that was shown to the family privately. They were polar opposite of each other.
My MIL died and he was in the arms of another woman the night that she died. This woman did not crawl out of the woodwork. Obviously, she had been there waiting for my wonderful mother in law to die.
I would never be against someone remarrying. Second chances at love is a beautiful thing but that doesn’t mean that fathers get to push a new partner on the family immediately afterwards, as in our case, we were grieving and my mother in law hadn’t even been placed in the mausoleum yet!
Plus, as soon as he made the new woman public to us and the world, she took over. She ruled the roost completely! She had him under her spell, for sure. He took on her family as his own. The woman never married him even though he asked her to. She was only interested in spending his money. She saw his family as a threat to ending her travels, new clothes, jewelry and so on. We didn’t care about his money. We were sad to be losing a father and grandpa. My husband told him that he could flush the money down the toilet if he desired and explained that we were only interested in a relationship with him. His dad blew his chances of continuing a relationship with our family. He chose to be controlled by this woman.
Hey, but if a man wants to throw away his family for a woman, so be it. His choice, his business. After the woman died, he cried to my husband to go see him in an assisted living facility. My husband couldn’t because of COVID. How sad for each of them, right?
He wasn’t interested in being a ‘dad’ or ‘grandpa’ which really hurt the family. So, how did he deal with his guilt of abandoning the family? He lied and said that we wouldn’t accept the woman. Geeeeeez, she was a total stranger to us. We didn’t even know her. Had he introduced her at an appropriate time, we would have been happy to welcome her to the family.
Life can become very complicated and confusing. My children asked me, “Why did grandpa forget about us?” Honesty, I didn’t even know what to tell them. They were so young. It was hard.
I am not accusing the OP of anything. I don’t know the whole story. None of us do. Somewhere down the line, hurtful things happened on both sides. I guarantee. Very often children and grandchildren pay for past hurts which is incredibly sad. Parents are sometimes hurt as well.
I know children aren’t perfect either but as far as money goes, let it go! A relationship is worth more than dollars and cents.
I hope for everyone’s sake it gets worked out. I would only say to look at things in a nonjudgmental way and an open heart and mind.
Sometimes things have a peaceful ending and other times it isn’t possible.
It’s not usually helpful on the site to suggest nasty behavior. It can sound ‘preachy and judgemental’, even if in your own opinion it’s done in ‘a nonjudgmental way and an open heart and mind’.
What about your relationship with your other children/stepchildren? Will your refusal to let her see your husband poison your relationships with them? And if so, can you live with that?
Everyone has their own personal "unforgiveable" thresholds. For some, money is a big one - and while, on the surface it might seem petty, for many, many people money is a commodity in short supply, and any loss of it is something that invades every other aspect of our lives.
If it were me, I might relent and consider allowing her to see her dad...but I'm not you, and I would not judge you harshly if you decided that she has caused your husband enough heartache, and you're not willing to chance any more. Just be sure that the decision is one you won't regret in time.
Good luck.