She has dementia stemming from traumatic brain injury, basically no short term memory, so I take care of all her bills (I'm on her accounts) and pay someone to take care of her. She really can't take care of herself and my brothers are pushing for a nursing facility. I can't do that to her, but I can't make her come live with me without guardianship. I'm just afraid that guardianship will invite too much control from the courts. Shopping for what she wants and eating out are really the only expressions of independence she has left.
Do you have Durable Power of Attorney?
If you go the guardianship route, the courts are involved and they are likely to require that you place all of mom's income in an Estate account that is only for her use. In some states, they also require annual accountings so you must show all income and disbursements with cancelled checks, receipts, etc. Plus, some places require that the guardian be bonded, which may require you to have good credit. So, it's fairly involved, though it is an option if necessary.
What is your mom's prognosis? Do they expect any further decline or is she expected to stay at this level indefinitely?
Beware if you are writing checks on an account that mom's social security or disability checks are going. You are supposed to be a Representative Payee with Social Security to handle those funds.
I do not have power of attorney, and her condition pretty much prevents me getting it now.
Guardianship- Yes this is what I'm worried about. But as long as she is allowed to have a spending allowance and do what she wants, that would be fine.
Prognosis is indefinite. Her neurologist said there is basically nothing there, he won't even prescribe memory meds for her because he said it's useless.
Representative Payee - good to know, how do I go about doing this? Does it matter even when I am paying her bills that are in her name? I have automated as many as possible, but she still does get some other bills, mainly medical.
Two examples:
One - just hypothetically, not referring to your actual mother at the moment - your mother doesn't want to move into an ALF. But you, having researched every possible option, conclude that this is the best and safest place for her. As her guardian, you can still use her money to pay for the ALF even though that is not her preference. Or, supposing there were two choices, and she consistently preferred the more expensive one which was also an irritating but not prohibitive distance further away from you. Hard luck: you should go with the one she prefers; and although you should explain all the pros and cons you shouldn't browbeat her about her choice, either - that's bullying.
Two: your mother, every year, has bought each of her grandchildren a ten pound bag of candy on their birthdays. Popular with the kids, not with the parents, and not with you; but this has been her habit and she wishes to continue it. Best practice is that you should continue the gifts. You know her wishes, her wishes don't go against her own welfare, proceed as normal. And if the parents confiscate said candy (or bill her for dentistry??!!) then that's their lookout, not yours. Or, of course, you could send the grandchildren the equivalent cash via their parents and leave them to sort it out amongst themselves.
So, bottom line, if you get guardianship it will give you all the tools you need to look after your mother but it will never force you to prevent her from doing something safe and practical that she wishes to do, including spending pocket money - as much as she likes, within the bounds of sensible security and her practical finances. Assuming that going for guardianship is not unaffordable or otherwise problematic, I would.
Brownie points to that neurologist, by the way. Pointless prescribing isn't something that every doctor would refuse to do, sadly.
My own solution for Mom who wants her spending money is I gave her a debit card on a joint account, and that is her allowance for the month for the hairdresser, taking friends to eat, clothing, other optionals including the ATM.
I put alerts to my Iphone for every ATM withdrawal and every expense sends an email alert. This way I feel I can track her and prevent fraud but otherwise I don't complain, I just make her wait till next month when the 'pension' comes in. It works for me, and she is functioning well with this. She is always with a companion when she goes to the ATM, and with a very small set of friends when she is out. This much control makes her feel very much more powerful, and it also allows me to refuse to pay for elective stuff that I don't want to pay for.
Do either of them have DPOA for mom? if so, whomever hold this can move mom into a facility.
If its the case that mom did no legal before the injury, the only way for you or your brothers to do for mom now legally is for 1 of you to become her guardian. I'd be concerned that one of your brothers will go to court to be named guardian and then you are totally left out of anything.
Now guardianship costs to do, but if you become guardian, those costs will be paid from her assets to your attorney.
Does mom have assets & a good amount of monthly income? It sounds like she has a home which she lives, is that the case? Is one of your SIL over hearing about her MIL needs & living situation? Is one of your brothers feeling at wits end in dealing with you & mom? If these are yes, yes, yes, I'd bet that a brother files for Guardianship.
Guardianship really can be very straightforward to do. The reporting to the court has a set form that should take a half hour to fill out. You just need to document expenses which are are probably already doing. Judges look to family & current caregiver family to be appointed guardian. As long as you don't have something scary in you background (like bankruptcy, or felony) you should be ok. Yiur know your family best if one brother is apt to file.
I'd be careful & cautious in speaking to SSA on representative payee. SSA will require the elder to appear at a SS office to do this. From what I've heard if the elder does not seem to be competent & cognitive on their own, SSA will place a hold on RP to be done and will contact APS to do a well person check on the elder at their home and wait for that report from APS. What is often simpler, is to help them go online to have their SS check be direct deposited into their bank account (only in their name) but as you as a signature on the account with the account POD (pay on death) to you. If your brothers insist on oversight on this, then everbody gets online viewing access to the account.
Here is a link about becoming a Representative Payee to handle her funds from social security. They have rules and reports that are required. I would read the rules carefully before you proceed. I would also read the situations that can arise that will make it difficult if you are not the Representative Payee. There are probably some thread around here on it and there is information on the Social Security site about. Even if you are the POA, you still are supposed to be the Representative Payee to handle those funds. I understand that you have things set on automatic draft.
http://www.ssa.gov/payee/bene.htm#&a0=1
WOW. Those are not part of the fee? So, basically, the $3500 is just rent?