My husband's brother & sil who have never had a relationship with him before are interfering with our business. They've convinced him to have his mail re: medical concerns sent to their address. I have been waiting for a form to be sent to me from his doc prior to his appointment for a psych. assessment. I just discovered it was sent to them in December, he has filled out the form with many inaccurate statements, example: he administers his own meds (lie), he drives daily (lie), etc. I took the form when I found it in his room at AL, as he yelled and swore at me when I left with it in my hand. I now need to provide the correct answers and take it to the doc appointment in Feb. I'm afraid they may be planning to take him. When I found it he told me it was "none of my business:". How do I fight this? I will not talk with them, they are vicious, sneaky, underhanded, dishonest, etc. I have called my atty. He plans to call them re: this. They are the only reason I have had to hire an atty. Any advice? Thanks in advance for any help.
It is more difficult after the fact to get the POA, as someone who is not mentally clear cannot reasonably decide what they want and the family can step in, a la the above, and wreak havoc. A person of sound mind can revoke POA at any time, but if a POA is in place, should that change, their 'thought-through previously' wishes will be provided for and their will be done.
A lot should be considered with a POA. My MIL, for instance, named both my husband and his brother POA's. They are totally different personalities and in wanting to be fair, she created trouble between them.
As for your question about input from the family, if her doctor has assessed her and thinks she is 'fit' to do what she wants, she may be cantankerous but you cannot force her to do something she doesn't want to to. That would necessitate that she be re-evaluated with a psych test, you might need a lawyer, etc. The irony often is that in insisting that people 'butt out' and being hard headed, an elderly person with diminished physical or mental capacity ends up with less freedom than they ever wanted.
My sweet but hard headed MIL wanted to stay in her home, but she did, well, stupid things when it came to walking without a cane or walker, not allowing anybody in her home to do chores she wasn't able to do, etc. She fell twice, broke her hip twice and ended up wheelchair bound. Additionally, she had recurrent UTI's and wouldn't take meds as directed by her doctor (cut them in half or didn't take them routinely, etc). The UTI's caused her to be mentally confused when she got them, being wheelchair bound caused her to be unable to keep herself clean enough (which caused more UTI's), she was too cheap to wear 'whole' undergarments rather than a little pad, which didn't do the job, and my BIL used all of that to force her into a nursing home. She could have remained in her home, with live in help (she could afford it and the nursing home is not cheap) but she narrowed her options by being secretive and stubborn. Might be a good point to bring up with your mom.
I am reading between the lines here, but I would bet that this is not your first marriage/his first marriage and it doesn't sound as if you have been married very, very long. I say this because, as a wife of ten years, who knew and fell in love with my husband 27 years ago but we parted due to so many complications with six kids between us, I have never been accepted as a real family member by my BIL and his wife. They have had a campaign of alienation going on since we first married, which has included my husband's kids. But my husband, all his life, was the better looking brother, the more athletic brother, the one who has planned and saved for his retirement, and he is by far the kindest of the two. The rivalry between the two of them (unwanted by my husband) has always been there, but it really stepped up after we got married. BIL and SIL stayed married for 30-some years and, although she had a child before they married and had been married before, I think the only thing he had to gloat about was that he had never been divorced. Now that after so many years apart, we have been solidly, happily and successfully married, BIL is again wildly jealous and 'acting out'. Their mother, for whom both have POA is in the middle of this debacle now (BIL lives near her and we don't), so BIL keeps doctor info, money info, etc. very difficult to access. He is, in short, a control freak with a bad temper and bullies their mom if she questions him at all.
I know in our case, counseling with these people wouldn't make things better. They don't want it to be better. So we have to just keep out distance, and we do try to assist mom, but she won't cross him and had always babied him. Created a monster. I do love her and she has been wonderful to me, sad to see her bullied but she 'signs up for it'.
So sorry you are experiencing this. Might help to talk to your minister or a counselor just to help yourself find balance and peace in all of this. Let the lawyer do his job, ASAP!
If their visits upset him - stop the visits. You are there to see to his best interests. If they don't like it tough. I doubt if they want to see to his care on a daily/hourly basis. If they don't want to completely take care of him and are causing him distress - their visits need to be curtailed (or at least supervised by you)