Should I try to stop the memory care step up?
My dad's acuity rate is pretty high. He knows when he doesn't remember and it frustrates him, but most of the time you wouldn't even know he has dementia unless you started a longer conversation. His falls while he was drinking has put him in a wheelchair, which he has gotten pretty good at moving around. He eats by himself, usually takes his own shower, dresses, although slowly, watches TV and reads the paper. He is in his 3rd living facility (the first one had a nurse that lectured him and threatened to "lock him up", the 2nd place was only a respite after rehab, where he ended up after falling at the first place. Finally found a place that he both could afford and that was nice, but now he's not happy because they want him to stay on property with his wheelchair. He's says he's not in jail, has done nothing wrong, and shouldn't be spied on. The ED called me and said they would have to put him in memory care because he was a risk to himself; I know that will crush him. He said it was not legal to jail him when he hasn't broken any law and refuses to consider that they might be caring for him rather than spying on him. I haven't been there for 2 days (this is the third) and he told me he always gets this way when he's not able to see me for a "long time". I am the only child who will deal with him. My brother said if I want to send him to Arizona he'll put him in memory care out there. I am still working and am really tired, warn out, exhausted. He lived with me for 10 years before going into assisted living, with me as his caregiver, for 10 years, but I couldn't give him enough and especially couldn't lift him off the floor when he fell from all his drinking. After he broke the 2nd bone, I listened to advice and got help. I also got him Aid and Attendance, so even though he has no money, most of the care is covered.
But now the biggie.... the ED told me they could shut her place down if something happened to him. He told me she had no right to stop him. I asked her if there was anyway to prevent locking him up and she said she would have the doctor make the decision. I cant get a hold of the doctor. Should I continue my work today or clear my calendar and go in (she was scheduled to come out and visit him)? I got so frustrated with his argument last night that I just told him "I have to go now". He has a 2 room apt, separate bedroom, a big tv hanging on the wall, a separate tv in his bedroom, an automatically reclining leather chair, a computer, 3 meals made, homebaked cookies daily, and his medicines given to him, some activities (the building is new, so they aren't real busy yet and the activity calendar is still evolving) but that's not what he is looking at and now amount of talk is getting him away from how bad things are. He isn't so much incompetent as stubborn. he's always been like this, but the family has always given in to him. That's probably why I'm the only one that will still deal with him.
He owns part of the house my hubby and I live in and he wants to come home. That means he wants me to take care of him again. I cant do I. Is there any way I can resign as his POA? Not that I am ready to do that, but I am at my wits end.
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How long has he been in this facility? If he's still in the shakedown phase (say the first month), I'd say visit less, let him get adjusted. I'm curious if this going from AL to AL is initiated on his "say so" as in he said that the nurse lectured him. One of the first things you learn about dementia is that patients often misconstrue what is being said to them. My mom hears things out of context, assumes that everything she overhears in the hallways is about her and sees plots around every corner...every time anyone is a suit walks by, the place has been sold. Any time she hears more than one staff member talking in the hallway, there is an attempt to unionize going on, and the Communists are about to take over. And on and on.
has Dad been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? This might be a good move, as a little bit of the right kind of meds might be of help in this situation. Hugs and good thoughts to you!
dad has ALWAYS been like this. I think he has lived with paranoia from his WWII front lines experience. he was in the invasion of Normandy and lost his entire troupe, reassigned to recognizance where is drove an armored car in front of the foot soldiers ...and on...so bottom line is that I was raised with his attitude of "always looking for the germans in the hedge bush" and yes, he has been diagnosed as "early vascular dementia" and no, they are not spying on him. I know that, but he has always seen the negative side of every situation. maybe I do need to stay away. I've never done that before. he calls and leaves a threatening voicemail that if I don't pick up, he will call a cab and leave. he doesn't mean it. or maybe he does. I have never tested it.
it is a nice place, the people are very kind and it is his first month. I just spoke with his VA Home Based PA and she is going to see him and then call the psychiatrist in.
I was reading about compassion fatigue this morning. I think that many of us on the group have it, which is what brings us here. Thinking about compassion fatigue, I know that it is time for you to take care of yourself and take some of the emphasis off your father's wants. If he won't follow rules in the regular AL, then the options would be memory care, Arizona memory care, or coming home to live with you. I have the feeling living with you again would be terrible for you after 10 years. I know you're tired. Which would be better for you? Local memory care or Arizona memory care? Maybe the facility will give your father a probation period in normal care, then move him if he does not do so well. He would be angry, but there is only so much we can do. Big hugs of support to you.
The thing is, you can see his point of view. And getting him to be risk aware (ha!) and - what's that expression? - exercise an abundance of caution… Yeah. Good luck with that.
Then you can see the ED's point of view. Anything happens to him, her behind is uncovered. She can say 'til she's blue in the face that he was aware of what he was doing and she was respecting his right to autonomy; the second anyone sees 'dementia' she'll be taken out and shot.
Is there any way you can keep a low profile for a few more days, then pop in to see him with an innocent expression on your face after the psych evaluation and verdict are all over?
As for his coming home, I remember you've always been honest with him - and I think that is a point on which you should be not so much honest as adamant. No Fear! It's out of the question.
Mind you, if it's his house in part, and the evaluation says he's competent… Yikes. Nip that idea in the bud if you can.
Are there any plans at the AL for residents to go out and about? Do they not organise any trips anywhere? Not the same as going under your own steam, of course, but if you can offer possible future outings as a compromise would that calm him down a bit?
Sorry, short of ideas.