At least with getting her help in the home? I was trying to help. Medicare will pay for someone to come in twice a week to help mom get dressed and washed. I assumed the woman would come in the morning. Mom calls me and tells me they might not come untill three in the afternoon. Then she says it's more trouble than it's worth. My brother is helping her dress in the morning and helping her into robe she uses as nightgown in evening. But he does it very reluctantly. And I'm not sure how much help he gives her. She has a torn rotatorcuff. And uses a walker. Is 89 years old and frail. She was complaining of getting washed in late afternoon when her house is cold and drafty. She has heater in bathroom. And with help dressing it wont take an hour or more to get dressed. She complained about having to wait for the woman. And about change in schedule. She only leaves the house for doctor appointments. What schedule? She said she didnt want her to come the same day as physical therapist. Cause one might come at two oclock and the other person might cone a half hour later. Now I wish I didnt tell thephysical therapist to try to get mom to agree. Also, I'm stuck geting the phone calls from the person dressing mom. Then call mom to tell her when the woman is comming. Mom wont answer the phone. Answering machine is hardly ever on she doesnt like it. Brother wont answer phone. If im going to get calls twice a week. If person cant come same time each time. I hope mom does cancel it. I have to do special code so mom will answer phone. And she keeps calling me. Did the physical therapist call you yet?
Barbara
Presumably your mother won't listen to her either. So the therapist tells you in the hope that you can persuade her. Nothing wrong with her doing that, she's probably frustrated too; but why should your mother take your advice if she won't take it from a professional?
Your mother has a physical therapist, a social worker and your brother right there, on hand, to help her if she will let them. Two of those are professionals who are paid and qualified to do the job. The third is permanently available in case of emergency.
So tell me: what makes it more your responsibility than theirs?
And, by the way, you know who is actually responsible for caring for your non-demented, consenting adult mother? Yup. Your mother. Which is why no one can force her to accept help if she doesn't want it - including you.
But, Barbara, this is a very good example of how your mother takes a problem, dumps it on you, and goes on her way unaltered. You are the one getting a migraine over it. But SHE is the one who needs the help. Does she want it or doesn't she? That's for her to decide.
Look. She is entitled to assistance with washing and dressing. It can be arranged. If she would like it, she knows what to do. She speaks the language. She has the telephone numbers. And clearly, since she's calling you, she is perfectly able to use the telephone when it suits her.
Therefore, if she needs the help, she knows where it is and she knows how to get it. She can sort this one out herself, you know. Seriously. There's nothing stopping her.
And if your brother is not happy to assist her, then he can arrange the help. Nothing stopping him, either.
So, when you think it through, there is no contribution required from you for your mother to access any assistance she requires.
But it's much more interesting for her to talk to you about it for hours on end, and think of lots of reasons why it doesn't suit her, and give you another fine mess to untangle. And that's what she's doing. That's... entertainment!
Don't stop trying to help, exactly, but stop allowing yourself to be involved. This instance, with the personal care visits, is a comparatively simple transaction that is over complicated when it goes through you. So maybe the point is, that when this kind of situation blows up, your getting involved is NOT helping.
"Ms Social Worker, I am really grateful for any help you can get mother to accept. I love my mother but I cannot be her long-distance caregiver. She does not cooperate with my suggestions. I have health issues myself and I cannot continue with the responsibility for her care. I wish you every success in getting her to accept what is best for her."
What would be best for you? Mom living in an appropriate care center.
But that is not what you asked, and probably isn't something you can make happen.
What you asked is "Should I stop trying to help Mom?" My answer is "Yes." Continuing to try to help her is futile, enables her to not recognize the level of help she really needs, and is detrimental to your mental health. Why go on like this?
Does she have a case worker? Is there someone (besides her and your brother) that you can officially announce your resignation to? Not that your are going to stop loving her, but that you are detaching from the day-to-day operations of her life. Can't do it at the distance you are at and with your own health issues.
A bath aide to come in twice a week is a huge help. I loved it when my husband had that, and I didn't care what time of the day they came. It would be nice if your mom took advantage of that service. But arranging it so she will is just not your responsibility. Back out of this. Her dirty body, her decisions. If she were cooperative, that would be a different matter. If you lived next door, and if you had a lot of excess energy and time, that would be different. But it is what it is. Forget the "ifs" ... you have to deal with the reality you are in.
Bow gracefully (or awkwardly -- who cares?) out of the role of long-distance helper. It isn't really helping.
The VA will provide something called Aid & Attendance for surviving spouses of veterans with assets under $80K not counting the house. There is a lot of paperwork to do to apply and you're going to need a list of records to start the application. Proof of service, discharge papers, marriage certificate, mom's bank statement. It takes many months to get this processed. If applying for Medicaid, it's usually done at the same time.
You need to get an assessment done by a social worker to determine mom's true safety and cognitive ability. You can contact your area agency on aging - every state has one - or a care center typically has a social worker do an assessment at time of application (in my state anyway).
If your mom hasn't been seen by a geriatric specialist, she needs to be. They are trained in matters of aging that GPs/Family Practice are not. If she has a dementia diagnosis, this means her needs will accelerate at intervals nobody can plan. She would need to be placed somewhere that can handle the care level and behaviors that come with dementia. Not every place will.
With reduced mobility in her arms, she does need quite a bit of help with the Activities of Daily Living. Her range of motion needs to be assessed as well as her cognitive ability to determine if PT will help or what extra care is necessary.
I personally do not want my son cleaning me and dressing me. It's undignified. But that's how I feel about it. Many elders have their opposite sex children changing them and dressing them. Your brother's feelings about it count as much as yours & mom's. If he's uncomfortable about it, then he shouldn't be made to do it.
See All Answers