What strategies can I use to deal with my Mom's demands?

Your Mom is not going to like anywhere you place her. She is only going to decline and eventually need more care than an AL can give. My Mom has been in AL and now LT and says the same thing, she doesn't like the people. The staff at both places have been good to her. My husband is always telling me, she is not going to know what she said five minutes after she said it. Like suggested, you need to protect yourself by stepping back. Don't feel u have to visit everyday. Take a trip, she is in good hands. Just humor her. I know this is hard, it is for me, get a thick skin. Know that you are doing ur best for a person who will never say thank you. She didn't before, she won't now or later.

Midkid, your response made me smile. I got a visual of Mom who, without daughters in the immediate vicinity to torment, seeks victims among the MC staff and residents! On a more serious note, I know she already has. She constantly complains she has "no one to talk to." Translated, this means she has no one who will listen to her complaints.

Hi Amber A. I am in the same position as you. My mother has been depressed & both emotionally & physically abusive since I was a child. As the eldest child I looked after my younger sister & brother when my mother locked herself in her room for days at a time when my Dad was away on Business. My mother & I do not get along as I have refused to bow down to her narcissistic personality & in doing this was able to break the cycle of abuse...I never abused my own children. I have a Sister who shares in mom's care. Mom is living in a Retirement Residence at age 87 where extra help is available for hire. She has debilitating arthritis but refuses to take narcotic pain medication ordered by her Doctor. In fact she just stopped the narcotic medication yet again due to constipation. She stopped it on her own & went into Withdrawal despite my warning she needed to wean off the medication under her Doctor's care. She was furious I had told the Staff why she was ill...she wanted me to tell them she had the flu...too bad. Withdrawal can be serious in the Elderly. The constipation can be treated but she will NOT follow the protocol to treat constipation. She has to be in control of everything & everyone. My sister & I have tried everything. We have been to Counselling to learn strategies to cope with mom's behaviour & personality disorder. I had extra Counselling to deal with the abuse in my childhood. We have had her assessed by Community Visiting Psychiatric Nurses who identified her personality disorder (we knew that she had one but having it actually diagnosed was helpful). She adamantly refuses to see a Psychogeriatrician. Her excuse initially was that "he is brown" but she will not see anyone. We can't force this as she is considered sound of mind. (She's not sound of mind at all....there are many different types of Dementia that do not include memory loss) She is taking antidepressants & antianxiety medications. She hates the Retirement Res & stays in her apartment except for meals. She refuses to go to events. She refuses to leave the apartment & whines constantly about being lonely. She has no friends because people do not want to be around a negative, constantly complaining old woman. Even her Tablemates at meals have had it with her. She expects my Sister or I to visit daily & sympathize with her. Our sympathy is gone...she has been at a Pity Party for years & we're not joining it. My sister & I are just burned out. My sister is the "favorite" & fortunately as a middle child she was able to fly under the radar in the childhood abuse department. I also did all I could to protect my younger siblings as the eldest child. But I didn't succeed with the youngest...he never married, afraid he would end up with a wife like our mother. We can't change this woman. Despite pain, difficulty with ambulation, depression, high anxiety & wanting to die but fearing it, no one has been able to help her. I am trying to pull away from her abuse to live a life of my own. It's tough...I get up to 30 complaintive emails a day...and as I try to only look at them once a day there are a lot of complaints. My Sister visits more often & lives closer so she is the best daughter...."she looks after me" I wish my sister could see she is being manipulated & try to help prevent this from happening as I am, but she is in an awkward position living so close to mom & I understand that. My sister & I have both been ill as a result of stress. Talking to her about this is out of the question....this is a narcisicistic personality....she is NEVER wrong. She lies. She tries to pit my sister & I against each other. She is a terrible woman & it is getting worse. I'm just trying to hang on here...holidays help. Are there any more ideas from others going through this to help us? 

Help4EachOther - could I suggest that since your Mom is safe and has her real needs met, then "forget" about her - have your own life to live and you have met any moral obligation you might have. You will find it so liberating to just let the staff do the worrying.

It would be so amazing if the elder said "you want me to go to this AL or that NH? Sure thing. I'll do it." But it's not going to happen.