It’s been a few years since I’ve been on. My mother had lived with me in my state. She had got me to the point that I considered ending my life because of all the constant misery. I quit my job for 3 months and moved her up north near my brother. She eventually hated where she moved and had confrontation with the person running the place. My brother has a very demanding job that doesn’t give him much time to spend hrs at a doctors appointment. He moved her to a assisted living facility that is brand new. It has lots of people… Drs, nurses, 3 meals, physical therapy everything she needs so he doesn’t have to worry when he is out of town. I have recently learned that she has early symptoms of dementia… that she says is not true. My brother has done backward flips to get this completed. Everyday I talk to her she just continues to put him down and complains about what he is not doing. She always wants me to take her side to where it becomes an argument. She also lives negatively constantly living in the past and all the wrong doings to her. No one in the family likes to call her or visit because she causes conflict. There is just so much more to this story. My brother was supposed to visit her today and take her to eat. That didn’t happen because she called him a traitor and he didn’t love her and that she was going to move and she has only been in her new apartment for a month. This event was caused by him mistaking that she could get her pain medication thru the doctors at the facility and not return to the pain Dr. He wanted to simplify and make sure she always had access to her meds in case he was out of town for work. I was the bad horrible person when she lived with me and now since she has lived close to him he is now the bad guy. She loves her children… but she claims she can say and do whatever she wants to her kids because she is the mom. Today I had to tell her I love her and hang up on her. The conversation was leading to an argument. I am exhausted mentally from listening to all the negativity that I listen to for hrs each day on the phone. I love her but she is never happy. I don’t know what to do for her
Was Mom ever really very different?
In my experience as a nurse, just watching from a position of interest, it seemed to me that people pretty much ended their lives as they lived their lives.
I think that the problem with children who have been raised by, and have lived with demanding, unhappy, dissatisfied parents, is that they keep trying, they keep hoping.
Some of them GRIEVE their parents more than people like me who had just about the best parents in the world. I have pondered this a whole lot. And I think the problem is that, when these poor unhappy souls pass from this life their children lose that one last hope they have clung onto for so many years--that hope that they will FINALLY hear from the parent:
"I love you.
I thank you for all you have done for me; I am sorry for the moments I failed you".
It's what every child needs. What so few get. Our parents are humans. Would that I was as good a parent as my mom. Would that they all were.
Your Mom's got limitation. She can't measure up to YOUR expectations just as you don't feel you can to hers.
Search out the peace of it in these last times. You ALREADY know all this. You SAID it. You said "she loves her kids, but...." She did the best she could with what she had.
You may never know all the "whys" of that. You really don't need to.
This end of life stuff with loss upon loss is tough for your Mom, and it's tough for you, too. Do the best you can. And accept that you BOTH are doing the best you can in so far as you are able. When she's test some day shock her with "Yes.....but you know what? I love you. And I know you love me, too". And then watch her face.
My best to you.
I wish I could like this comment a thousand times. You're spot on.
She addicted to her negativity and the drama that it causes. It's her addiction. Let her have it. You can't fix her.
Stop listening to her negativity. Not for one minute, much less for hours.
Please don't let her triangulate you and your brother. When she starts in on him, hang up - refuse to listen. Same when she starts in on you. Hang up - refuse to listen.
And don't accept false guilt for setting the boundaries.
Peace
Call her as often as YOU want to and hang up when she starts the negativity.
I would suggest that she be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for what sounds like depression and agitation.
just a warning: even the most positive person in the world will be affected by someone else's constant negativity. it's NOT possible for it to roll off your back.
you will see the effects not just on your mind, but on your body (usually gaining weight), on your face when looking in the mirror (unhappy), on missed opportunities in life (because your mind is focused on that other person's negativity), etc., etc.
your situation sounds exactly the same as mine.
I will now think of her as a patient! Thank you! I found this very helpful!
There is nothing you can do except set some boundaries, limiting and shortening visits & getting off the phone when she starts like you have been.
My mom delighted in creating conflict between me and my sister. At present since her funeral we have no communication. We both tried so hard to make her happy. Due to her being bedridden we had to move her to a nursing home, two days later she died.
It was exhausting and according to my doctor the stress brought on
my stroke. Do not let her ruin your health.
Marymo67, I hope you manage to find a way of coping too - I had counselling and anti-anxiety meds, and tried to set boundaries. It's truly saddening how many old ladies there are like this.
All her threats of moving out will go no where so ignore them. Unless she is capable of picking a new place, doing all the paperwork, packing herself up and going she has no choice but to stay where she is.
Some things are unfixable. Including but not limited to ugly personality traits and disorders, depression, gossiping, bad mouthing others, chronic complaining, insisting on blaming others for all of our OWN mistakes, refusing to take responsibility for actions, lying, Confabulating stories to make others look bad and ourselves look good, inflated ego and pride, and on and on. To think WE can fix these women is delusional. Period.
So we get them into AL and visit on OUR TERMS and that's that. We reconcile the fact we were short changed in the mother department and oh well, we're doing what we can to survive. We keep the toxic phone calls short and say OH There's The Doorbell when the complaining we can't fix ramps up. And we leave their presence when it ramps up in person or the sharp claws come out to scratch or the fangs to bite.
Self protection is the key here, not "fixing" a situation too broken to BE fixed. Or hearing from others to force "positivity" on such a negative situation that it's downright insulting, minimizing your predicament 100%.
I'm sorry you're here in the first place, with others in the same boat. Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOU now and letting the AL take care of MOM.
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