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It’s been a few years since I’ve been on. My mother had lived with me in my state. She had got me to the point that I considered ending my life because of all the constant misery. I quit my job for 3 months and moved her up north near my brother. She eventually hated where she moved and had confrontation with the person running the place. My brother has a very demanding job that doesn’t give him much time to spend hrs at a doctors appointment. He moved her to a assisted living facility that is brand new. It has lots of people… Drs, nurses, 3 meals, physical therapy everything she needs so he doesn’t have to worry when he is out of town. I have recently learned that she has early symptoms of dementia… that she says is not true. My brother has done backward flips to get this completed. Everyday I talk to her she just continues to put him down and complains about what he is not doing. She always wants me to take her side to where it becomes an argument. She also lives negatively constantly living in the past and all the wrong doings to her. No one in the family likes to call her or visit because she causes conflict. There is just so much more to this story. My brother was supposed to visit her today and take her to eat. That didn’t happen because she called him a traitor and he didn’t love her and that she was going to move and she has only been in her new apartment for a month. This event was caused by him mistaking that she could get her pain medication thru the doctors at the facility and not return to the pain Dr. He wanted to simplify and make sure she always had access to her meds in case he was out of town for work. I was the bad horrible person when she lived with me and now since she has lived close to him he is now the bad guy. She loves her children… but she claims she can say and do whatever she wants to her kids because she is the mom. Today I had to tell her I love her and hang up on her. The conversation was leading to an argument. I am exhausted mentally from listening to all the negativity that I listen to for hrs each day on the phone. I love her but she is never happy. I don’t know what to do for her

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Your mother has long showed you exactly who she is, time to fully believe her and stop listening to all these rants. All that constant griping and negativity is poison to your soul. Plus your brother needs your moral support and that doesn’t involve listening to mom complain about him. She’s right, she can say or do whatever she wants, doesn’t mean you have to listen or participate. Good for you hanging up today, now make it a practice to get off the phone immediately every time the negativity starts. If that means a one minute call, so be it. Guard your own health, including emotionally, you won’t get it back. Mom's not changing, except possibly to worsen, but you can change the dynamic here. I wish you peace
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Why do you call her every day?

Call her as often as YOU want to and hang up when she starts the negativity.

I would suggest that she be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for what sounds like depression and agitation.
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Negativity sucks! Don't take it in. Let it roll off your back. Easier said than done. Now that you know she has dementia, you have to come to terms with things never getting better. And that her brain is broken and you can't expect good behavior from her. And short conversations are fine. She starts up - give her a warning or two. "Mom, this negative talk about my brother is really hard for me to listen to. How's the weather today?" Or just change the subject after an "ohhh" and tell her something about your world. I find with my mom with mild/moderate dementia, her self reporting of things that she has done or not done is very sketchy. So I just don't get too excited about what she tells me cuz 9 times out of 10, she has it wrong. That's Ok - it just is what it is with dementia.
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hug!!

just a warning: even the most positive person in the world will be affected by someone else's constant negativity. it's NOT possible for it to roll off your back.

you will see the effects not just on your mind, but on your body (usually gaining weight), on your face when looking in the mirror (unhappy), on missed opportunities in life (because your mind is focused on that other person's negativity), etc., etc.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
Oh, so true!
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Mary, just a question here for you to consider.
Was Mom ever really very different?
In my experience as a nurse, just watching from a position of interest, it seemed to me that people pretty much ended their lives as they lived their lives.

I think that the problem with children who have been raised by, and have lived with demanding, unhappy, dissatisfied parents, is that they keep trying, they keep hoping.
Some of them GRIEVE their parents more than people like me who had just about the best parents in the world. I have pondered this a whole lot. And I think the problem is that, when these poor unhappy souls pass from this life their children lose that one last hope they have clung onto for so many years--that hope that they will FINALLY hear from the parent:
"I love you.
I thank you for all you have done for me; I am sorry for the moments I failed you".

It's what every child needs. What so few get. Our parents are humans. Would that I was as good a parent as my mom. Would that they all were.
Your Mom's got limitation. She can't measure up to YOUR expectations just as you don't feel you can to hers.
Search out the peace of it in these last times. You ALREADY know all this. You SAID it. You said "she loves her kids, but...." She did the best she could with what she had.
You may never know all the "whys" of that. You really don't need to.

This end of life stuff with loss upon loss is tough for your Mom, and it's tough for you, too. Do the best you can. And accept that you BOTH are doing the best you can in so far as you are able. When she's test some day shock her with "Yes.....but you know what? I love you. And I know you love me, too". And then watch her face.

My best to you.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
Alva,

I wish I could like this comment a thousand times. You're spot on.
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"I love her but she is never happy".

Can you separate this out?

Part 1. "I love her.."
Part 2. "..but she is never happy".

Part 1 is YOU. You can tell her you love her. Or send flowers, a card, little gifts. Whatever suits your style.

Part 2. is MOM. The ability for Mom to feel happiness (or misery, or anger etc) resides within HER. Her feelings are hers to ffeel. They may be intense at times. That's OK, that's how she is made.

You don't cause them, no-one else causes them. They come from Mom. They are hers.

It takes practice, but try to pause & just HEAR Mom talk about her feelings. Resist any urge to fix or change them.

"I hear you saying you feel sad (or angry etc) today".

Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? About how to show your Mom love but also protect yourself at the same time?

Many may advice you to call less (I agree) or even cut contact altogether. Maybe you want to call less? But if not, finding a way to communicate that protects yourself more will hopefully help you.

Best wishes.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@Beatty

The listening to mom's "feelings" will not help anything. The OP's mother doesn't talk about her feelings in terms of being sad, anxious, scared, lonely, etc... No.
She villifies. She instigates.
She is ALWAYS the victim that everyone else is out to get. If no one is currently persecuting her in some way she will rehash old grudges or invent new ones.
There's no listening to that. The only thing listening to that miserable nonsense will achieve is to bring down the listenener. Misery loves company after all.
Therapy told me to cut all contact with my mother if possible. This was years ago. I don't do that because I ignore her when needs be.
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by the way, OP:
"she is never happy"

some people looove being negative: THAT is what makes them happy.

some years ago, i had an acquaintance. he was constantly negative, constantly complaining about other people (the complaints weren't about me); every day. i tried my best to let him see the brighter side of things. i thought i could maybe lift him up. it took me a while to realize that he looooved being negative. THAT's what brought him joy. by the way, such people need an audience. he loooved dumping all the complaints/garbage on me.

what ends up happening after every negative conversation OP, is that they feel lighter, you feel heavier.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@bundle

The complaints were not about you when you were in his company. I'd bet my last dollar the minute your time together or phone call ended, the complaints and negativity became about you too.
People like your acquaintance are usually always a victim in some way or another.
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There is absolutely nothing you can do but tell her you have to go when she starts complaiming and bad mouthing your brother.

Ironically over 30 plus years ago my grandmother did the same thing to my mom and her brother (my uncle). First she lived with son and complained to my mom about how terrible he was.

Then mom moved her in with us and she still complained.

She lived with us for 20 years because my parents felt too guilty to move get into assisted living.

Tok bad they didnt have this forum back then it might have made a world of difference for my parents and grandmother.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@sp19690

Your poor parents and you. I can't imagine living with that for 20 years. Hell on earth for all of you.
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My answer=stop calling so much, no need to call everyday, she is safe, fed and has a new life to lead.

If she starts just say "I don't want to listen to this negativity, bye" and hang up.

What could you possibly have to say to her everyday, all you are doing is rehashing the same stuff over and over again.

The ball is in your court it is up to you to free yourself from her toxic behavior. She is not expressing love, she is expressing control.

Good for your brother, he sounds like he is getting it and is standing up for himself.
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I read your previous posts. So your mother lived with you for six years?! Just curious -- was your brother supportive during the time she lived with you? And are there other sibs?

I am SO GLAD that you finally moved her out and away.

Your final sentence is that you "don't know what to do for her."

My answer? Do LESS than you already are doing for her. Why do you have to talk to her every day?
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Welcome back to the forum. So glad that you have been able to enjoy a break from caregiving. Also glad that your brother placed your mom in a facility.

Your mother is taken care of. Be thankful for that. Let her be her and you be you. You’re not going to change her so don’t even try. Don’t speak to her so often.

Some people are miserable. I don’t even say that I would like to see them happy anymore because there are people who enjoy being miserable.

I know someone who thrives on hearing bad news and telling others her bad news. I rarely speak to her anymore because she is too damn depressing to be around.

At one point in time I tried to encourage this woman that I know. When I discovered that she truly didn’t want any solution to her problems I dropped out of sight. Why should I frustrate myself so she can use me to dump her crap on.

When I told her that I will listen to her crap, but I will charge $150 an hour for being a therapist for her, she shut up fast.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@Need

The woman you know sounds exactly like my mother.
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Mary,

Your story really speaks to me. The way you describe your mother and that you considered ending your own life because of the constant misery is like reading my own story.
You and your brother did the right thing. You by hanging up on her and your brother by cancelling the his plans to take her out to eat. Both of you will have to for your own individual sanity go 'Grey Rock' on her or make your contact with her non-existent.
You say your mother loves her children. How did she treat you and your brother when you were children?
I've heard many people tell me how much my mother loved her children too. Any time someone tries to tell me that the bullying, scapegoating, gaslighting, berating, belittling, and guilt-tripping is love gets told otherwise by me.
You and your brother have to give mom a different kind of love now. Tough love.
If she cannot refrain from villifying one sibling to the other, and put the brakes on the constant misery spreading and negativity every moment, ignore her. Pay her no attention whatsoever. No phone calls, no visits, no contact at all. Check up on her through the staff at the AL. Then only if you both want to, start talking to her again.
The second she starts, the communication ends. She needs to learn that she will lose her family if her abusive (yes it is abusive) behavior continues.
This is what I had to do and I've been living in the same house with my mother for several years now. I have gone months at a time without even speaking to my mother. She was on her best behavior when homecare started a few weeks ago because she thinks she's moving with me next month. Not happening so her old behaviors have resumed. Not my problem. Not yours either.
Your mother is safe and being looked after in AL. It's safe for you and your brother to ignore her if you need to.
It's the only way to preserve your own sanity. Good luck.
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In an old Ronald Reagan movie the phone rings and he says to his girlfriend “Don’t pick it up” knowing its her mother calling to complain. At least that is the way I remember the scene. So my advice “Don’t pick it up”
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naddahap Apr 2023
I want to add if it is a true emergency the phone calls will be persistent.
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Mary,

Here’s the thing. She doesn’t know that she doesn’t know. She probably thinks that she knows everything about everything!

Honestly, there are certain people in our lives where it is a complete waste of time to try and educate them.

So, don’t waste your time and energy on trying to change your mom’s perspective on things.

Don’t try to get her to see that your feelings matter equally to hers. She feels like she is the top dog! She sees others as being beneath her.

In other words, don’t try to compete with her. This isn’t an argument that you will win. She isn’t rational enough to have an intelligent debate with you.

Don’t blame yourself for her ignorance. It’s not that you aren’t communicating your message properly. She isn’t able to comprehend what you’re saying.

You can either:

Nod and say yes, even if you don’t mean it.

You can completely ignore her.

You can waste your time trying to educate her.

You can drive yourself crazy by arguing with her.

Take your pick. I would go with ignoring her and living your life in peace.
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againx100 Apr 2023
Good list of choices. We should all choose wisely and not be wasting our time or driving ourselves crazy.

I keep reminding my hubby to choose the "nod and smile" method of dealing with his elderly mom with dementia. She complains or tells him untrue things and he tends to take the bait and correct her, etc. I'll keep reminding him, with love, NOT to do that. Meet her where she is, just say "oh really?" and leave it be! She's not going to remember what he told her anyways but why not have the interaction be positive (or at least neutral) instead of so negative? She often gets mad and hangs up on him when he doesn't say the "right" thing. This is newish behavior and definitely dementia driven.
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I really think the only way to cope with this is to end the contact when she starts the abuse. Say goodbye and hang up the phone. Leave when you're visiting, etc. Don't expect to change her but take yourself out of the situation before you get too upset. I'll never understand why people would use anger and hostility to get the love they "deserve".
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
Jameli,

I wholeheartedly agree with you on being puzzled about why people use anger and hostility to get the love that they feel they deserve. It always backfires on them.

It’s their way of attempting to manipulate others. They are too foolish to realize that their tactics aren’t effective.
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There are a lot of Negative Nancy's. It's her choice, how she acts. Your choice how you respond.

You say you love her. Dismiss her negativity in a positive way. Ok,mother, It's nice talking to you, I must go now. Have a good day. Goodbye
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bundleofjoy Apr 2023
i agree with you, sunnygirl.
BUT...the truth is, no matter how sweetly you respond, all that negativity WILL affect you. really.

even the most positive, most bubbly, most i-don't-care-what-people-say/think/do person, WILL be affected.

that's why it's even studied in war :(.
psychological warfare. it works.
destroy morale (their confidence/enthusiasm/discipline).

one doesn't even need to study psychological warfare to know how to do it. mean people know the tricks. i even knew a man (whose father was toxic/mean), who read all the books he could on verbal abuse, IN ORDER for him to do it himself "more efficiently".

my point is, it works.
it'll get OP down, and anyone, who is in contact with toxic people.

it really has little to do with how you respond.
NO ONE can genuinely be happy while they're being thrown garbage/complaints/negativity at.

here's a hug to everyone surrounded by silly, mean people.
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Mary,

You have received great feedback! One more thing. Focus on valuing yourself and the rest will fall into place automatically.

Repeat after me,

I don’t need this crap in my life! Today I will ignore her and do something nice for myself.

Or find another mantra to express your feelings about no longer being willing to listen to her unending negativity.

Say it to yourself until it sinks in!
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There are a lot of people out there that "this is just the way they talk". Everything sounds like a complaint. And then there are plenty who only know how to complain.

You don't have to call so much. You don't have to stay on the line with her. You can't change her, but you can change how you react.

Next time you call and she starts badmouthing someone tell her you don't want to listen to that and you will end the call if she can't be nice. Then do it. And do that every time you call. And every time you have to hang up on her space out your next phone call. If you called every day, now it is every other day, then every third day. If there is an emergency, the facility will call you. You don't have to answer her calls every time. That is why you pay so much for her to be there, there is someone who can deal with whatever issue is at hand.
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You are not responsible for her happiness, and no, she doesn't get to talk to you or your brother any way she wants! I would suggest two things- First, make sure you and your brother are on the same page and are united! Other than that she can play you both against each other! Let him know you have his back! Secondly, I would tell your mom that the negativity ends now! You are happy to talk to her but her negative talk is no longer going to be tolerated! From that point on, stand by what you said and the minute that she gets negative, tell her she's negative and hang up! She's extremely blessed to be in such a nice place and to have 2 awesome children who are making sure she's safe and taken care of and she has no right to treat y'all that way! Good luck and God bless!
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Momma has complained since day one of moving into assisted living. She complains about the food, the way they do her laundry and the way they clean her apt. She would rather me move her to a brand new facility down the street because she thinks it would be better than the one she lives in now. I don't feel like it would be any better. The one she lives in do feed her eventhough she does not like it, cleans her apt but not to her standards and washes her clothes. I told her that I am not moving her. Told her that either bro or sis can wash her clothes. She didn't like that. They do an OK job on cleaning her apt. Also what we have noticed worse lately is that if you drive her somewhere she tells you how to drive and gives your directions but most of the time she is telling you incorrect. When she was living in her house before assisted living she was not doing anything in it or for herself.. She would wait for the housekeeper to come wash the dirty dishes that she left in the sink.. Change the sheets after she had an accident in them.. Wash her clothes. She didn't even cook for herself. She ate nothing but frozen dinners. I feel like this is a control thing.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@akababy7

It is totally a control thing and a manipulation thing too. If you moved your mother to the different AL she would do exactly the same thing. If you moved her into Buckingham Palace and put the full Royal Household Staff at her service it would be the same story. My mother is just the same.
You're doing the right thing taking a step back. Don't jump through hoops because it will make no difference.
One thing that you, your brother, and your sister should do is keep that AL she's in on their toes a little bit. It's not cheap to live in an AL place and people paying for it have a right to demand that they get value for their money.
Your mother's apartment should be very clean. Her meals should be good quality, and her clothes should be washed properly. These are things all of you should insist on.
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My mom is the daughter of alcoholic -- the addiction dynamic was *in* play when she came to live with me. I've been working on these issues with her in a tough but loving way. I explain to her, as many times as is necessary, that I'm on her side, that I'd like for us to be a team. That there will be no victims in this house. I explain that things other people do aren't personal. They're a reflection of their own unhealed stuff. We aren't helpless -- we get to make our own choices. If we react to their negativity with judgement and frustration they'll just double down. We have no one else. "It's just and me Mom. Let's make this the best years of our life. Most humans are walking wounded. We are desperate to feel seen and heard. So my advice is to couple that with some postive healthy reminders and firm boundaries. I've always said everything you need to know about life you can learn from Supernanny and Dog Whisperer. Negative people are aching for firm, positive, loving guidance. Make it a mission. ;)
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@pleasegodhelp

I'm sure you've heard the eternally famous line from Dr. Sigmund Freud when he said, 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar'.
It's also true. I find that most negative people are not aching for firm, positive, loving guidance. They are aching for a fight. There are actual people who enjoy fighting. They feed off of discord and anger. They like trouble-making and turning people against each other.
They don't want guidance and a 'firm hand'. They want someone they can abuse or they want others to join them in their misery. Misery loves company after all.
When it's a case of an elder, well complaining is a form of entertainment and sport with the elderly. They want an audience not a guide.
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I think you guys missed the part about the boundaries. "If you can't keep it positive it's a no-go." If my mom goes off the rails -- that's a choice. I retreat to my room and get some work done. And yeah, not everyone will rise to the opportunity. But many who are truly miserable will eventually learn that there is something worth having if they can just put a little thought into their life choices. For me the key is staying emotionally neutral and not getting triggered and that took some doing. But the pathologically toxic? Hell no. Just be careful not to jump to conclusions is all I'm saying. They don't know how to have that kind of interaction and need to be taught. And they have a lot to gain by showing up for the process.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@pleasegodhelp

"They don't know how to have that kind if interaction and need to be taught".
I'm guessing that you're refering to the elderly and negativity.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
When people have become set in their ways, they stay that way.
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We really do teach people how to treat us. Firm boundaries. It took me a long time to understand -- it's not personal. Brutal honesty paired with compassion. I care about you but this is the behavior I will not accept.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
I agree with what you’re saying for the most part, but guess what?

Some people are beyond teaching. You can talk until you are blue in the face and nothing will ever change.

Then it’s time to stop investing all of your time and energy into the relationship, cut your losses and exit. It’s futile to stay because it doesn’t serve any purpose for them or yourself.
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Burnt...there are layers. The outmost wants to b***h and moan, yes. It's so easy. In most cases there are plenty of people around to cheer them on. But the soul hungers for more and if it gets hungry enough and there isn't a lot of supply to be had...change can happen. If there is any chance than someone is going to have to hold that space -- and it's never going to be them. If they can't get there then move on.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@pleasegodhelp

My apologies but I really don't understand the word salad you're serving me here.
If someone's soul is "hungry" then I suppose they should take that up with their clergy. If they don't have any, then they should probably get some.
I know what it's like to have grown up with a negative and abusive bully. I know what it's like to have to be a caregiver to this kind of person too. It's one thing for a person to be needy. Fine. People get sick, they get old, they need help. There is such a thing as abusive neediness though.
Also dealing with an unruly child is very different than dealing with a miserable, negative, instigating, gaslighting adult who has weaponized their own neediness and uses it to manipulate the people they're dependent on who actually do for them and help.
I agree with you on the stepping away part and I'll go even further.
Step away and keep on walking. Never become a care martyr because it will ruin your life and the lives of everyone who loves you.
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NeedHelp, I guess my point is that you don't talk until you're blue in the face. You make an offer, and if it's not accepted to step away. Eventually most living beings will come to understand that certain behaviors mean certain consequences -- but it takes time to learn. Most of us give up before that process has a chance to play itself out. Seriously. Watch old reruns of Supernanny. No talking until blue in the face there. She never breaks a sweat. Just remind yourself. It's not personal. If you can achieve that you can continue with the "training". But that's the key.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
Some people do talk until they are blue in the face which is truly sad. We see posts like this all the time.

We give the same advice and they will continue to talk to their family members as if something will change.

Sadly, in most cases nothing changes. The solution is to find placement and stop being the hands on caregiver.

I don’t place much stock in a scripted reality tv show. There’s a ton of crap that is never going to be shown on the program. They are going to show what gets them high ratings.
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Burnt...sometimes you can.

But we too have to change. We have to be different teachers. It's a very specific energy. When it's dialed in there's a chance of moving mountains. You've seen the video -- crazy snapping dogs who everyone gives up on -- then a dog whisperer shows up and that dog turns into Lassie. I truly believe that works on all living things. We just have to crack the code.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
Pleasegodhelp, the price to pay is just too high for me. I'm not a martyr and never was.
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There is a difference between what I'm describing and martyrdom. And again. If no ground is gained -- walk away. But I don't subscribe to old cliches about dogs and tricks. I'm willing to entertain the possibility that I don't know everything about human interaction and that I too have some things left to learn. A shaman woman I knew years ago said that the key to any kind of suffering is getting curious. She got mugged and somehow turned the whole thing around and everyone involved broke down in hysterics. We are so unconscious of our own stuff and how that is affecting the dynamic. Maybe it's justified but we do have control over that. We can re-evaluate the stories we tell ourselves about what things mean....I'm curious now. And I'm a hell of a lot happier in this place. I'm working to crack the code. Anyone who isn't -- no problem. Go with God. Really....your choices are none of my concern. I'm just throwing out some ideas that interest me. I don't need anyone to agree.
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Tashi5 Apr 2023
Thank you for this!
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Burnt, I hear ya. All is choice and I support you in yours. Sounds like some serious self-care is in order.
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Oh I feel so sorry for you. I was there. (HUGS)) My entire life, until recently, my Mom pitted the children against each other even though she said she didn't. Then we all started talking about it only to find out that much of what she said were half truths. She learned this behavior from her Dad, whom she hated because he pitted the kids against each other too. There is a group of people in society who believe all this rivalry and jealousy helps one build character and mental strength.

So when I came back home per my brother's request, to help take care of Mom, unbeknownst to us, she had very mild dementia. She would say something bad about someone, then deny every saying it. She would be overly critical of anyone who was not in the room.

One day, I couldn't take it anymore. When she was not being overly critical, I told her that I did not want to hear anymore about anyone bad faults. If she thought they were bad, then she needs to tell them (and of course I knew she would not do it since what she accused them of was not necessarily accurate).

So when she was getting to my breaking point, I would say "Mom, if you say anything more negative or grumble about this person, I'm leaving". At first, it was enough for her to stop as I changed the topic of the conversation. However, eventually, she didn't care so she continued. So, I made good on the threat, I just picked up my stuff and said "Mom, I'm leaving." She asked why and I said "because I said I was leaving if you continued your negative attitude" She said "I don't see what is so negative, it's just the truth." I said "bye" and left.

When I saw her again, she asked again why I left, I told her why and she said "what was I saying?" I told her that I really didn't know however, it was negative, and I didn't like listening so I left.

When her dementia got worse, the negativity started back up. Now I couldn't leave the premises. So I told her that she was in timeout for 3 minutes and I put headphones on my ears (not ear buds; it had to be visible). After 3 minutes, I'd go and see what was going on and life was good.

Although some people believe you cannot teach new behavior to dementia patients, I do not completely agree. I have seen time and time again, where people with dementia are taught new behaviors. It takes a lot of practice and even more repetition, however, certain new behaviors can be learned.

She no longer criticizes people for more than 2 sentences. I don't know if that is because she cannot remember everything that a person has done, or because she no longer has the capacity to make up those half truths.

Either way, she is so much nicer to be around now.

So for you, I would warn your Mom with what you are going to do, change the conversation, and if she comes back to that negative conversation, then carry out and do what you told her you were going to do.

((HUGS))...and good luck on the journey.
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I couldn't reply to burntcaregiver but I wanted to say that I do stay on top of momma's assisted living about the food, her laundry and her apt being cleaned. The front desk and staff definitely know that I am her daughter. For example, dad purchased momma a ltc policy. We paid premiums until she hit 85. She did get approved for her assisted living. We have to pay out of pocket first and then get reimbursed. Here we are at the end of the month and she has not received her reimbursement and now we are coming up on Mays rent all because the billing lady has not turned in the paperwork to Nortwestern Mutual. I have already called her once. We are driving over next week to see momma and you know it that I am going to walk myself into that billing office to make her do her job so momma can get reimbursed! That would be over $11,000.00 that momma is due. There has been many times that I have called - I live out of state- to let them know that momma's apt is dirty. Same thing for her laundry.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
Good for you, akababy7. Make them do their job. Big money is being paid for your mom to be in AL. Them keeping up their end is what you're paying for.
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