Mom is 88 and has stage 2 dementia. We had nurses in the home 5 days a week, 8 hrs a day. Mom fell and has been hospitalized for over a week. She is restrained because she scratches the nurses and pulls their hair. Mom also has other behavior issues that include spitting on people. The hospital is saying that no facility will take her with these behaviors. My brother has told the hospital they need to place her in a facility. She cannot return home. We can’t afford nurses 24/7. If I don’t move into my Mom’s home and take care of her, she’ll probably be sent to a facility anyway. Wondering if I should move into her home and take care of her. I don’t have any medical training. With her stage 2 dementia and behaviors, am I qualified to care for her?
The behavior you describe does not sound like stage 2 dementia at all.
Please tell us if she's on any meds and if not, why not?
Has she been checked for a UTI?
How long ago was she hospitalized? She could have hospital "delirium" which is not unusual.
She is an "unsafe discharge"! Do not retrieve her no matter what they promise to you. She needs to go into the psych wing until she complies with meds and her behavior is under control. This is what they had to do for my 70-yr old cousin who had ALZ and a UTI: she scratched and fought. It was not her normal behavior for her phase. They held her in the psych wing for a month until she complied with meds and her behavior totally improved.
If a hospital with 24 hour staff can not manage her, if they are saying no facility will accept her with this behavior what makes you think you can do this?
She needs medication to calm the anxiety and the violence. Once controlled a facility will accept her. Her meds will have to be monitored but it is doable.
So if you are taking a poll here my vote is NO you can not move into her home to care for her.
What she needs is for a facility that can care for her 24/7.
Her house to be sold so that the assets will help pay for her care. If there is not enough apply for Medicaid.
If you or your brother are not POA's for mom you may have to become her Guardian. You might want to really think about that. If she does not have a family member willing to be her Guardian the Court will appoint one. Guardianship is not easy.
Then come back and let us know if you learned anything, and what decisions you are considering after reading the forum daily for two weeks.
If you make this move, I personally feel it is extremely poor decision making on your own part. But whatever decision you make with and for your own life is in your own hands. You are a grownup. Consider moving into her home without giving up your own for a period of one month. That is another thing that would work well for informing yourself.
Whatever your decision, I do wish you best of luck.
As for this 'stage 2' dementia, what kind of dementia does she have? Is this behavior new since the hospital or has she been behaving this way to the nurses who come to her home for longer?
Talk to the homecare nurses or better still the homecare aides if she has them. They are the ones who spend the most time with her at home. They'd be able to tell you.
Also, the hospital is putting you on with saying no facility will take her with the behaviors. No fully-staffed care facility can handle her, but one person (you) with zero medical training and no backround in dementia caregiving is supposed to be able to. The hospital is only saying this because they want her out of there. Tell them she's an unsafe discharge there's no care at home. That will buy some time. You and your brother (why should he be off the hook?) can visit some LTC facilities for her. If you can't find one, the hospital will. Also, yes a memory care will take her. she will be medicated which is appropriate considering, but they will admit her.
In the meantime ask them to test her for a UTI and do some dementia testing. Then talk to her homecare people. You need a starting point in all of this and this is a good place to start.
You're not the answer to your mother's care needs or the reason why her behavior is what it is.
You and you brother must now form a united front and make sure the hospital social worker knows that your mom is now an "unsafe discharge" and that under NO circumstances can she return home. Her doctor should be able to prescribe some medication to calm her behaviors so don't allow them to get off the hook so easily either. The doctors and the hospital must now do their jobs and find the appropriate facility for your mom.
Best of luck to you.
Taking care of a dementia patient is a full-time job that involves highly skilled care. You may think that because many people are taking care of a dementia patient at home that it’s easy-peasy, just jump in there and start watching them 24/7 and keep them from sitting in a wet diaper or putting the cat in the microwave and you’re having fun! Mom will eat everything you cook, never get mad (ha! they all get mad), and if it gets to be too much you can have a pleasant evening out while mom watches TV. It is nothing like that, which you’ll find out soon enough, and then you’ll have to get out of a mess that you never should have been in.
Mom needs 24/7 PROFESSIONAL care, and not in your house or hers. Please read past posts on here that tell it like it is and express the extreme misery of others who realized too late that they bit off more than they can chew, and their health and finances have suffered as a result.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, and I hope you can escape before you become entangled in a caregiving nightmare that you never imagined.
That decision is extremely hard to make. Do you think that you would be able to contain your mother when she becomes combative? Their bones become weaker, their skin becomes very thin and they can move fast.
Speak to her doctor and get some medical advice before making any life changing decisions. If you have siblings include them in the conversation with the doctors.
Praying for you!
Her care needs are more than you will be able to manage on your own. And believe me, you WILL be on your OWN! No one will want to help you, home caregivers will quit, and you will not be able to find a facility that will accept her.
Simply continue to refuse to allow her to be sent home. She will be unsafe on her own, and SHE HAS NO ONE TO TAKE CARE OF HER. You repeat that mantra to the hospital. The doctor will be forced to find a facility that can accept her. A social worker will probably get involved.
Do not let them guilt you, as they will try, because it is the easiest solution for them! Your brother is right.
I am in the position now of caring for my young, 63 yr old husband, who had a massive stroke which caused significant brain damage. He has similar behavior difficulties, and I am struggling with him, but I can't find a nursing home that will take him. They will only take the patient if you can control their behavior with medication. This has been a challenge for me because my husband responds negatively to medications, making him even more agitated. So, here I am killing myself trying to take care of him the best I can at home. I do the bare minimum for him at this point, because my body is breaking down, and I am so burned out. It is so much emotional stress!
Your brother is right. Let his words protect you from making a big mistake.
Please take the advice of many here who have experience with caregiving-do NOT agree to take care of her-this is for many reasons, but first, for your own well being, both physically and mentally. Second, becasue you are not equipped/trained to do this and you likely have your own life to live without being sucked into a losing battle.
If the hospital she is in cannot get her medicated to the point of stoppoing the violent behavior, how will you do that?
Insist that the hospital finds a placement-and regarding payment, you didn't mention if she could self pay or is on (or close to) being eligible for Medicaid. Wishing you all the best.
Do NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT let the hospital/discharge planners talk you into taking her home with you or out of the hospital. Once you do that, they are no longer responsible for placing her in long term care (whether it's memory care or a nursing home). As someone else said, you need a geriatric neurology consult AT THE HOSPITAL. Tell that doctor she needs to be out on meds to alleviate her combative behavior. INSIST on this. Then, and only then, the discharge planners should be helping you to discharge her to a care facility.
AGAIN, do NOT let them talk you into taking "shifts" at home between you, your brother, and his wife. They will do this. Your response is to REPEATEDLY tell them she will not be safe at home and you cannot care for her yourself. 24/7 nurses are no longer an option.
I hope you have had discussions with your Mom over the past 5 years relative to her property, POA, final wishes, etc. So many children wait until it's at the point of a crisis before having this conversation.
Have you been researching local nursing home/memory care facilities in her area? I hope so. Usually discharge planners have a local list of NHs and they each require a "pre-application" to consider a resident for acceptance. That includes knowing your Mom's financials and seeing if she can private pay for a while before going on MediCAID. MediCARE does not pay for long-term care.
A elder law attorney can guide you. But under no circumstances should you capitulate to the hospital's request and take her home. You are not ready for the 24/7 stress elderly caregiving requires.
Please keep us updated.
Do not waste your life on this. It's a lose-lose situation.
Well said. It is true that hospitals and rehabs will tell every lie in the book to get you to take someone home. The second that person is off hospital property they aren't responsible for them. They will also promise unlimited resources and homecare which is also a lie.
The threats though. Really, a person will laugh their butt off.