My parents, both 92, moved from an independent cottage to assisted living this past spring. Mom is mild/moderate dementia, with severe hip arthritis. Limited mobility, using a wheelchair. Dad started having serious mobility issues this summer, finally becoming unable to bear weight. So he was transferred to the skilled nursing facility in the next door connected facility. He has declined at a very rapid pace, and is pretty much confined to bed or recliner. He has developed some concerning neurological issues, including speech and swallowing difficulties, confusion, incontinence. He has a consult appt with a neuro next week. It is pretty clear that Dad's life is winding down. He is scared, and has such trouble speaking...very difficult to understand him.
Here is what I could use some advice with. My Mom, with her dementia personality, has turned into a different person. She is not especially concerned about Dad...in fact she gets very angry with him, mainly because she can't understand him, he gurgles and chokes. I understand her mind can't comprehend what's happening with him...and her sense of empathy or compassion is gone. But she insists on wheeling herself to his room each day to visit him (admirable!) get the daily newspaper (ulterior motive) and then berate and humiliate him for his weakness. I go up each week for 3 days (GA to NC) so I can referee and moderate. But between my visits, I can't control her. It really upsets my Dad, and he's starting to have nightmares about her. I suppose I could talk to someone on staff, but so far I have not seen much interest in helping with family issues of this nature.
Any advice is appreciated. And just being heard is very appreciated. Thank you much.
So you're spending almost half of your time there? How far away is their facility from your home?
How did you get into this situation? Do you have sibs?
I imagine he is lonely and scared.
Also if he can still write, he can write what he thinks.
Ask other questions too regarding his care.
Older people do start having trouble swallowing but also in a Care Facility, they are all understaffed and they really don't have time to spend one on one feeding someone or doing anything much.
Please make sure he isn't hurting.
Don't believe anyone, check things out for yourself.
Make sure no one else is around when you question him as he migh5 be scared of saying things in front of Aides, Nurses and your mom.
Check for Bed Sores on his butt.
My 97 yr old Dad that was in his bed or recliner 24 7 had gotten a bad big raw sore on each butt cheek. I had them use organic Coconut Oil then a Butt Paste with Zink on the sores.
Same thing happened in my Dad's private area, as the Diapers keep the area warm and moist and diaper changes are far and few between so the loved ones do actually sit in their urine and poop til the changing cycle.
Also check between his inner leg and his testicle s because both sides, my poor dad had a fungas rash, very raw.
Sad but true, you can holler all you want but they come when they come.
The Nurse Patient Ratio in a Nursing Home is like 12 patients to 1 Nurse.
Just so you know, if patients are deemed too needy, too loud, trouble then they are medicated.
They tell you that your love one is anxious, depressed, acting up, ect to get your permission to giive him the meda but in reality, it's just to make things easier on them.
They sedate him and he ends up Zombie Like.
Prayers for your Dad
Dad won't be struggling much longer, but this is good advice for when my mom starts declining.
They are both scared! Both alone vs being married (67 years in my parents case). It is not at all unusual for theiir fear to surface this way, IMO.
You are getting good advice and doing the right thing. You are grieving also take care of yourself! You need to make the limited time left to be filled with as much joy as possible.
The facility should schedule routine short supervised visits of your Mom with your Dad. You should spend most of your time on dedicated visits to one or the other. Maybe one short visit with both of them (possibly lunch on the middle day of your three days).
We had a nixplay frame running though family pictures at each parents location. They really enjoyed seeing old pictures of their childhood and ours. Evidence and reminders of their lives well lived! I also purchased a GRand pad which is a simpllified ipad for seniors! Dad could just touch a picture of whoever he wanted to talk to ( includiing Mom) and be connected in a video call. He used it often in the two months he had it. I only wish got is sooner.
Prayers and Best wishes for you and your parents, Godspeed!
They are both scared! Both alone vs being married (67 years in my parents case). It is not at all unusual for theiir fear to surface this way, IMO.
You are getting good advice and doing the right thing. You are grieving also take care of yourself! You need to make the limited time left to be filled with as much joy as possible.
The facility should schedule routine short supervised visits of your Mom with your Dad. You should spend most of your time on dedicated visits to one or the other. Maybe one short visit with both of them (possibly lunch on the middle day of your three days).
We had a nixplay frame running through family pictures at each parent's location. They really enjoyed seeing old pictures of their childhood and ours. Evidence and reminders of their lives well lived! I also purchased a Grand pad which is a simplified iPad for seniors! Dad could just touch a picture of whomever he wanted to talk to ( including Mom) and be connected in a video call. He used it often in the two months he had it. His SNF nurse helped him connect to a Christmas Eve Zoom call where he was able to see and her all of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, across the country! I only wish that I got it sooner.
Prayers and Best wishes for you and your parents, Godspeed!
I saw a rainbow this morning in the sunrise clouds...a sun dog. Brought me comfort. Thank you all for bringing me comfort too.