Does anyone have any advice on how to move past accusations and the like? My mom has dementia, probably mild to moderate, though she fights going to the doctor for anything more than pills. She is obsessed and kind of hostile about my husband, and it fades at times but then she dredges things up. She's convinced he is breaking into her apartment while I take her shopping or to the doctor (even though he doesn't even have the key or he's at work, etc.), or she'll throw out weird accusations, saying I made promises to him for nonsense stuff, like I wouldn't travel. (It's just bizarre sometimes.) Usually I tell her, let's not go there, or let's change the subject and sometimes it works, but other times she'll keep coming back and I end up telling her I'm leaving and we'll talk another day. Thing is, it really irritates the hell out of me, that she accuses my husband of stuff. She can't help it, since the dementia does weird stuff, but that she turns the man I've chosen to spend my life with into a villain just drives me up the wall.
Does your mom take anything for anxiety? If not, that might be something to discuss with her Dr.
My mom will say she has "proof" of theft. What is it? A photo she took 10, 20, 30 years ago of some item she misplaced or gave away. Just because she had a picture of a plate that hung on a wall means nothing in terms of proof, but to her it makes sense.
Lots of people, just from talking to her, can figure it out pretty fast that she has issues. She'll say weird, off-the-wall stuff, borderline racist things, or ramble so any accusation she might make I can't see going anywhere. Especially since she developed an obsession with a neighbor many years ago and she called false police reports in on her (saying she was a prostitute and a drug dealer), which the police got wise on and I got contacted by her doctor that she was being investigated, albeit informally. I finally told her to cut the calls to the cops, because she admitted to me she had to lie about the neighbor to protect herself, I told her that if she got caught in these lies she'd be in a world of trouble, so it did die down. But obsessions spring up anew, apparently!
I have no brothers or sisters to help, and no other family around. My mom broke off contact with the entire family more than 20 years ago, and I let myself get pulled into the drama, in a way, by siding with her. (Now, I think mental illness was at play.)
But we are looking at applying to get her into assisted living (since there's a 2-year waiting list around here for many and just applying at ones where they also have options for nursing home care or an alzheimer's ward) and guardianship and other things. It just ends up either my husband is the enemy or I am the enemy for not taking her side. I get it that she's kind of turning back into an unreasonable child, but she's had this obsession with my husband for years. She had a stroke 12 years ago and it was right around the time I had my first date, so she keeps dragging it up that I "changed" somehow and deceived her. Um, no, I just want to enjoy my life with my husband and not live only for my mom!
We left. No use engaging her.
But she thinks we stole from her. This time, cash. I told her I took some out for shopping and I've given her receipts, etc. Or if she tried to give me cash after I shopped for her, I turn it down, and told her we had a standing stash to use. Was no problem until the other day.
She even had the audacity (or her dementia did) to call and demand I return her spare apartment key and bring her her debit card (which I had because she never leaves her place except to shop once every month or two or to visit the doctor). But she said she was giving me one hour or she'd call the cops! I'm horrified because I do know it's the dementia, but it still hurts to be talked to like I'm a criminal, especially when I've watched out for her since I was a kid, and back then it was drinking (making sure she didn't fall asleep with a lit cigarette, or making her breakfast in the middle of the night), or as a teen, picking her up from bars when she was too drunk or even bailing her out of jail after she got busted for a DUI. (Who wants to bail their mom out at any age, especially as a teen?) Or, I've lent her money or given her money, or I've played secretary and sorted out bills or paperwork, etc. After four decades of this (just about, anyways), I feel worn out and like a fool.
So, haven't talked to her since Saturday. Usually the drama calms down but I am seriously thinking of just letting it all go to a state-mandated caregiver. I've had enough. I have to drive her around, sit in for hours on doctor appointments, wait for hours while she shops, help out with this or that problem, and all I do is end up getting yelled at or treated like dirt. She has issues with the entire family and I'm the last one she has contact with and now this ... again and again.
Maybe a neutral caregiver would be the best option. They might better know how to treat these crazy spells. She fights and argues with me every step of the way and I'm plain tired of it.
Look up alcohol related psychosis. Some patients benefit from thiamine (B1) injections from an MD. Alcohol depletes many things, but a loss of thiamine badly affects the brain.