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I told him gently how things were in reality, and how he dismissed it. He eventually understood. I do keep things clean and try to help him when he says he needs it. He doesn't like it when a stranger comes and helps him. We have been there and done that. So, until he really is unable to take a shower and dress, etc. I will help him. He is able to shower, dress, shave, etc. by himself. He is not ill but sometimes is not totally aware of cleanliness. I like to think that that is sometimes just part of being a man. :D Thanks for your input.

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Big topic! In many ways I've learned to move from fear into loving the focus. I don't think it's part of being "a man" as much as the confusion women and men have felt about having clear and defined expectations about hygiene. In embarrassment, we run away from the topic, and depend on others to be alert enough to pick up on it and handle it well. Adding to a lack of clarity, is a variable expectation of schedule - the whole issue is avoided if people shower daily, but many people, especially less active elders, do not believe this is necessary, and neither do I. The vagueness and fear of directness of others made it so much harder to teach my disabled brother, to focus enough to do the pieces of it effectively. Now, after years of working to impact change with him and with elders - I am able to be direct, to give others baths, explaining as I go, the importance of being thorough in different places - and it is a pleasure to be thorough actually - just one we need to focus on, and share that idea.
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Added note here - I did not mean "pleasure" in doing hygiene tasks for others - but in being clear and having reasons, and finding whatever language is needed to address issues. It took years of trying to beat around the bush, blaming my brother for smells, before I finally learned in elder care, to be specific, which allowed me to be calm and clear - and my own experiences with itches or seeing others get urinary tract infections, so I can emphasize the need to be thorough to avoid itches or infections - so I feel on the same page as the person I am helping, which helps the communication go better. I will be ever grateful to the older woman with multiplesclerosis, who adjusted her body as needed, so I could handle her personal care, while chatting about other subjects. She taught me to accept nature as it is, deal with it, let it be important, for it is important, and not the fearful source of embarrassment. I've learned to joke a bit with people, and an embarrassed younger woman told me last week, she liked how my jokes made it easier for her to accept help and forget the embarrassment. I'd suggest maybe admitting you feel embarrassed to deal with the subject, but it's important to you and to avoid issues, and say you want to address it realistically - I'm guessing a husband would agree - it helps him get past embarrassment at his own forgetfulness or lack of consideration, and see hygiene as something that can be mentioned if needed - and if it's needed too often, it's legitimate to ask what habit could make repeated talks unnecessary!
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I can't tell from your profile how old your husband is, or what the nature of his heart condition/stroke is. Is it possible that he's also got some cognitive decline as the result of these conditions? What kind of doctor is managing his healtcare? If his attitude toward hygeine has changed recently, this could be a symptom of dementia. With my mother, this was a real wake up call for us; we realized when she was in the hospital that she was no longer washing her hands after she used the bathroom. When we pointed this out to her, she dismissed it, saying that that was "just while she was in the hospital". Sneaking peeks, we discovered it was "always". I had her doctor talk to her about it, because she's the type that always follows doctor's orders. It improved for a bit, but her dementia progressed to the point that she needs full assistance. You also say that any help that you've been able to locate is financially out of reach--are you in the US? Do you have health insurance/Medicare? Have you looked into whether you are eligible for Medicaid? What sort of assistance do you need? Post here; there are lots of folks with GREAT ideas and resources.
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Possibly your husband has reached a point in the aging process where personal hygiene no longer is important to him.

Thinking back on what I've been through with my mother, now 95, I recall she started out years ago trying to fool me into thinking she had showered when she hadn't. Then she dropped all pretense of caring and I had to provide the motivation to get her started. And now I do everything and she just stands there complaining. :-)

Technically, Mom still is physically capable of doing the self-care tasks, but the handicap which prevents action is her declining mental ability. At some point there's no point in talking about hygiene and we have to just step up and get it done.

Good luck and God bless.
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Castle well said and very enlightening for me. I am not at that stage with my dad who is 94 years old and has always been extremely fastidious with regards to his hygiene. But as he weakens and I offer to help with regards to his bathing he becomes agitated and determined to do it his self.
I am blessed that he does not have dementia or Alzheimer's but he is a very proud man. I also believe that using one's sense of humour is very important along with clearly defined explanations to help the individual feel respected and considered as I know it is important to my dad to retain even the smallest amount of independence. Throughout this aging process I have tried to always include him in discussions regarding his future as I tell him "we are in this together". So far with clearly defined explanations he has been extremely agreeable in most instances except the assistance with bathing . Hopefully with additional insight from you we will be able to resolve that too!
Thanks again.
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To freqflyer's suggestion that "flushable wipes" be used. Be aware - they are seriously plugging up toilets, septic and sewer systems. My husband insists on using them and has plugged up our toilet four times in the past year. His dementia makes it impossible for him to remember to toss not flush.
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Funny - the "Let's talk about your Bum" - a video about wipes - great idea. Actually, I think wipes, the small ones for babies that are flushable if used individually - are god's gift to the hygiene world! All care is more thorough with them. And yes, humor (or humour as I used to also spell it in Canada, as Glowki spelled it and thanks for your words!). I learned that relaxing power of humor myself when a proud old man I had cared for over 3 years, finally became bedridden. This was early in my healthcare work, so I had never had to deal with details of male hygiene, and though we were very fond of each other, I did not know this particular man in that way. So I was terrified (had to laugh however, when I realized it was all just like a baby only bigger), but in my fear of doing damage or hurt or conversely not being thorough enough to do the job and avoid later problems - I must have been painstakingly slow, for suddenly the man cried out, "Could you hurry the hell up???!!" I had to burst out laughing, and we could admit my fears and inexperience, and together have compassion for me as I learned the tricks of the hygiene trade. Now my running conversations are about avoiding later itching from remaining soap, and saying "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" if I have to do personal care, and give the person the option to do as much themselves as they can. If more is needed, and I say I need to do a bit more here, and just go to do it, with care and attention and no delays, my old folks always accept that this is important - they don't want to be left with the results of errors either, it's simply not comfortable, so they are glad to be clean.
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I have been having this problem with my husband too. He doesn't realize anymore what is right and what is not. What is dirty and what is not. So I have to grab his dirty clothes or he would wear the same ones every day until they fell off. I have started laying out clean clothes. I labeled all his drawers and sorted things out very neatly to make it easy for him. Then I found out he really can't read! He has basically forgotten how! I also noticed he was taking a shower every day. He got in, rinsed off without soap or a washcloth, and never washed his hair. Then he was done. So now I get in the shower with him and I can supervise his shower so I am sure he washes everything. I start him out at the top every day, but he is likely to start anywhere. I hurry and get clean while he is washing. Then I have to make sure he rinses everything off. I have to remind him to use deodorant. He does remember to shave every day and does that himself. When it comes to teeth, I have to go over every step every single time he brushes. He does not shower every day. I figure every third day is enough as the ladies above have said. In between, if we aren't going out, I let him choose whatever he wants to wear. And sometimes I even let his wear it twice or three times. He doesn't smell and I have less wash. But clean underwear every day. I also caught him putting dirty wash back in the drawers or in the closet. I have to watch him like a hawk.
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As we get older there is always the fear of falling in the tub/shower, even with shower mats to help keep from slipping. Daily showers can dry one's skin in winter and men aren't known to use lotions on their skin afterwards. Dove makes a line of men's skin care for soaps, lotions, shampoo's, shaving needs, etc. Something different to try might spark an interest in showering, etc.

Have you seen the Cottonelle's commercial "Let's Talk About Your Bum" Flushable Wipes? Great idea, I've been using something similar for over a year. Now to get one's spouse or elder parents to use it might be a different story, but it's worth a try.

"Boys will be boys" when it comes to keeping clean. My significant other's bathroom is on par with that of a gas station restroom.... we know how gross those can be ;] It's his responsibility to keep it clean, and he knows how to use a can of Comet and a sponge.
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You do not say if he has dementia, so I am really at a loss for helping, except to say, so men just don't think taking say a shower every day is helpful I agree. The Romans didn't take a bath for a month, and the more one washes away the "good" bacteria on one's skin, it can be available for viruses to invade. So my best advice is leave him alone. If you really cannot stand him smelling hand him a disposable flushable towel and don't say too much. Maybe you are complaining about things he doesn't want to address (maybe his family of origin was like that too). In the scheme of things, does it really matter?
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