Mom has some dementia and a high level of anxiety but also a very keen intuition! Should I tell her of her dear friends passing? Today in a fret Mom told me she felt like something is going to happen and was worried that she won't be able to go...thinking of her Sisters health. Well Mom hasnt been told but the health of another of her dearest friends is at a very critical stage, Mom hasn't accepted the loss of a dear friend who passed last Dec and is still coping with the loss of her oldest child last Nov. Mom wants to be in the know about everything and body and always ask about her family and friends by name. At this junction in life should I tell Mom this type of news or just act like I don't know when she ask me. I dont like deception but I don't want to worry her anymore than she does naturally.
Hugs and best wishes, Cattails
This is a lot for her to deal with and I don't think it is deceptive to keep it from her as she has had enough grief. She needs to recover somewhat from the deaths she is still coping with. Blessings to you and take care.
Here's what happened to me: my mother had the same intuition about a friend of hers, younger than her, who had moved out of my mother's building and to another town 2 hrs. away. She hadn't spoken to her in a while but just had a feeling.....
I opened the paper one morning and there was an obituary for the friend. I was beyond myself, trying to find a way to break it gently, worried on the effect it might have on her. She had known this friend for over 20 yrs.!!
I went upstairs to her tv room, trying to find the right words to convey this sad message. Well, imagine my surprise when I did tell her, and all she said was "Oh I knew there was something wrong there".
No tears, no "That's too bad", "What a shame......" No show of sadness, NOTHING!!
I was in shock about this until I realized:- if there is any dementia, they cannot process things anymore so even though she was aware of the friend's passing it didn't evoke the same feelings that she would have been able to express earlier.
So do go ahead and let her know. You never know what kind of response you will get!
Given that your mom is dealing with anxiety already and deaths within the last 6 months i would not tell her. Omission. Also I'd like to correct those who have said don't deceive mom; I don't believe we deceive our LO we tell therapeutic lies or omit to protect them from overwhelming stressors and feelings.
One thing you can do -- reassure her about her sister. If both Mom and Aunt can still carry on telephone conversations you might try to arrange that. It is her sister she is anxious about right now and you can at least lay that concern to rest. If they can't have a phone call perhaps you can call a cousin and then convey to Mom the content of that call.
Whether you decide to tell her or not, the concept of "deceiving" our loved ones who have dementia is simply not relevant. Their own minds are shutting out reality. In any given stage they may be 40 or 28. They may be a child in their parents' house. They may be a famous actor or have magical powers. A friend's father was the governor and my husband was once an airplane. The "truth" of our world may or may not apply in their worlds. Unless you are pulling something shady to seize their assets, don't be overly concerned about "deceiving" -- be concerned about what will give your loved one the most peace.
Act in love, and whatever you decide is the best you can do. Make a decision, carry it out, and don't beat yourself up if the results aren't what you wanted. All any of us can do is our best, in love.
Among those who answered, have you personally done caregiving for someone who has dementia?
I know that my own perspectives changed drastically once I was there up close and personal.
@ jeannegibbs, I agree, up close and personal caregiving for someone with dementia can be a life changer! The things I thought I would never be forced to do and deal with stare me in the face every day.
Thank you for replying