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I'm in NC and live with my daughter and son-in-law. He is taking a new job in Florida. My mom is about 45 miles from me now in a nursing home and has bad dementia. I only get to see her about twice a month but she recently said when I'm gone a long time that she is disturbed. I'm torn between telling her I'm moving and not telling her.

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Thank you, 1rarefind. I'm glad someone believes me. Two Nursing Homes where I live were just closed for abuse and neglect. The worst story to come out was from the children of a woman with dementia who was not incontinent when they took her in. Staff took away her clothes, including underwear, put diapers on her and put her to bed, even though she was ambulatory. When the family complained, they were told it was "just in case." This woman never got out of bed again, her children were never allowed to undress her, and she eventually got very sick and was rushed to the hospital. There, it was discovered that she had on multiple diapers, one on top of the other, never having been changed, and bedsores to the bone. She was also dehydrated and nearly starved. She died shortly thereafter. This is just one example.
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Oh yes I should've mentioned that when I saw my foster dad in passing at that nursing home, he was very combative and became very physical with his handlers. I think I now know that the dementia is not all of the reason why he became combative because I think he's combating abuse going on against all of those patients and chances are if those people abused one person, there may most likely be others and dad may be one of them which may explain at least partly why he is now very combative, and I don't blame him, I'd fight to specially since it's in my genetics through bloodline. As an abuse survivor I can easily say that if I were in dad's shoes, I'd be fighting much harder than he does and they wouldn't be able to handle me. I think dad knows what's going on far more than people may give him credit for and I think he remembers who is abusing people around the nursing home. Dementia and Alzheimer's doesn't necessarily make people stupid though they may become incompetent to make competent decisions and even have considerable memory issues. However, when someone's being abused, it's sticks with them somehow, the memory is a wonderful thing despite what may happen to a person
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Seagazer101 has a strong point on nursing homes regarding dementia and Alzheimer's patients. I was once visiting my foster dad in that wing when I one day witnessed abuse against another dementia resident. I reported it to the head department of nursing only to have it backfire on me later because I think the person involved made up some lies about me to dad's guardian because my visits to my foster dad were cut off right after I reported the abuse. I don't think the lady I saw being jerked around is the only one being abused, I suspect there are probably others. Be very careful and research every nursing home before placing your loved one if the nursing home is absolutely necessary
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If the person is already confused, I personally would not say anything, at least not right now. I'd let them bring it up on their own by asking why you haven't been visiting. That's when I'd drop the bomb and say I moved out of state and I no longer live in your area. I wouldn't say anything unless they bring it up themselves
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DrakeP1: A few considerations---#1 Does mom recall how to use a phone?
#2 If so, does she remember your home, work and mobile phone numbers?
#3 Does she remember your address?
If all answers are "no," then you've got your answer!
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Thanks everyone. I'm not the only caregiver. My three siblings will remain here and they see her regularly.
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OP has not responded in a week. Really need more info to help with the answer.
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If you MUST move away, please try to move her, too. I can't imagine being left with no one who cares for me, and I know how poorly nursing homes can "care for" elders with dementia. She needs someone who cares about her to physically ensure that she doesn't have bedsores or other types of neglect or abuse.
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Friend had to transfer out of state for a job. Her solution was to just transfer her mom to a facility near her new home!
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The problem as I see it is that most of us due to finances still work, at least part time We cannot pay for all of our expenses. My mother helps us as well as food pantries near us. Most of us are already 60 or older. We are living at a time when people often live to mid 90s, but cannot take care of themselves alone by then. We feel pulled in many different directions My mom will be 87 in January, my father in law is 86. Both widowed. How much can we deal with at our ages? I have arthritis as does my husband. I also have asthma. Both parents can take care of themselves now, but who knows about the future. It is all a worrisome situation.
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This is a tough situation all the way around. But my two cents would be, do what your heart tells you to do. I know that I have to take this journey with my mom or I will have regrets for the rest of my life. That is how I am. You have to decide what it is that you need so that you will have no regrets later. That is a question only you can answer. Dig deep for the answer so that you feel as comfortable with your decision as you can.
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I agree with the majority. the less said, the better.
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Is there other family members that can visit your Mom? I'm assuming you can't afford to be on your own. If you can, maybe staying close by would be a good idea. This is a sticky situation. Can't transfer her to Fla. because of Medicaid. Me, I wouldn't tell her. It could be upsetting for the both of you. But, of course, the facility should be told.
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I cannot imagine just moving away and leaving her.. She may have moments of clarity. Furthermore, I don't think it is a good idea to tag along with your daughter and her family.. no matter how close and comfy you may think things are. You need to establish a life of your own. We can't just have our aging parents euthanized, so suck it up!
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There comes a time when you must do what's best for you. Sometimes dealing with a dementia patient is like walking on egg shells, I experienced this with my foster dad anytime I told him anything. You may be better just to go and do whatever it is you feel you must do whether or not you tell her, because chances are very likely she may fly off the handle anyway or better yet probably not even remember you or something you both discussed
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Just to say I agree with a lot of the above. I was not my dad's primary caregiver, his wife was. As his dementia progressed, she would leave him notes. I think it helped, he usually had someone there with him though. My sense was, over time, to not tell him any more than necessary. They forget anyway. I often thought of moving away, but I was concerned about leaving my dad in his later years. If there's a way for you to stay for awhile, she may not have much longer, and you would not regret it. I think you have to decide for yourself whether you are ok with leaving her at this time.
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It would be best not to tell Your Mom since it would only worry Her, needlessly especially when You only get to see Your Mom twice a month.
When ever My Mother asked Me, WHATS THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY? I always answered by saying IT'S A GLORIOUS DAY, THE SUN IS COMING UP AND THERE ISNT A CLOUD IN THE SKY....now in Ireland that has to be a bare faced lye. Alzheimers and Demensia Patients have enough to contend with, so only good news is best.
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I agree with everyone who says don't tell your mother your will be moving. When my husband was under hospice care in a nursing home, I found visiting him weekly was too draining on me, so I decided to visit every other week. I hadn't yet mentioned this to him or the hospice social worker. The day after he died in his sleep, the social worker told me that the morning of the day he died, she asked my husband, who had dementia, whether I visited him. She told me he replied, "I think she went to Orlando (several hours from our house)." I hadn't gone anyplace, and planned to visit my husband a few days later. I think the social worker would have done better to do what several people recommend to you; just give a reassuring message to you mother that you love and care about her.
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It really won't matter as far as she is concerned. Tell her or don't she won't remember it.
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Hi, such a good question, we all have to come to face life's changing needs at different stages, including your wish to stay close to your children.

I agree that elders with dementia can lose sense of time, so they will worry no matter what time frame. And telling them in advance is often not so productive, for they can do so little and have time to worry, so it's fine to reflect on plans without asking their input.

That said however, you do want to be as good to your mom in her frail years as you can, so it seems a good idea to study airplane routes, plan where you'd stay when you visit her - get some of those specifics in concrete form, and maybe you'd plan to come up and stay for 5 days at a time, at least, maybe once a month.

My disabled bro is in a nursing home, 5 hours from me, and I have worried and sometimes still do, about how hard it is for me to actually plan to visit and how much each trip takes out of my focus on my current life. To help me with this, I hired a local person who acts as a Case Manager for elders - and I've had her visit my bro once a month. She is skilled in making a fuss over him individually and spending time with him outside the facility. Planning some meaningful event just for him - if you hired someone, they could help your mom enjoy an interest, or create special presents for family, or build a changing wall collage of photos.

Nursing homes and alzheimer units staff are often group focused, so our elders can want some focus on them,individually, to help them connect with others in the home, or do a craft, anything that works.

Lastly, my brother has found it particularly encouraging that the nursing home brought in a volunteer to do crafts with the residents - he has always loved such attention and activity, so I notice he sounds more cheerful, and refers to enjoying this activity.

When I call, I always ask about staff and other residents, for I saw my job as different, not as focused on retaining his memories, but more focused on following his current life in some way, learning gradually of who is around him so he can tell stories or I can ask, and it has helped him feel at home there. He values my visits, now maybe 3 times a year, including bringing up a small tree and presents so we share our own Xmas, in whatever hotel I'm staying in. But in general, I've been relieved and grateful to hear him gradually latch on to some local activities - it just takes an individual to teach individual lessons, repeated, with attention to their pace, and over time, elders come to enjoy the support and sense of not stagnating, even if the growth area is new. That nursing home has the best homegrown music - country music, bluegrass, homespun when local artists visit regularly, I get jealous!
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oh, how sad, it would probably break her heart. i did read above...SKYPE is a perfect way of staying in touch with her if you can have that set up with her facility. what about moving her to a facility near you in Florida?? anyway...this is a tough question...gooooood luck.
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I am so sorry you have to make this decision. It's heartbreaking. With dementia, you never know if they are aware you have been there or not. But, like Carol said " underneath they know" Somehow they know. Even if you just sit and hold her hand. I don't know what your situation is, but don't go away and leave her unless you have no other choice
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If her dementia is at a stage where her 'experience of you' will be no different whether you live hundreds of miles away or down the street, then I'd say don't tell her. It would be a pretty big concept for her to incorporate and it would just produce anxiety whether she could or couldn't fully understand it.

I agree, a note may help. Something like "I love you, Mom. I will see you soon." My dad's anxiety is helped by receiving text messages from me. If your mom is still able to understand the concept of a text message as being from you and in real time, you could do that many times a day.
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There are times when less information is more, and kinder. I would make sure the facility is aware of your new location. However, I would simply reassure your Mom that you will always be near, and whenever she needs you, you will be there. Call often, and always tell her what a great mom she IS, and how much you love her. I did. And it was a blessing, after she was gone. If you cannot be physically near, then simply reinforcing your love for her will be very important.
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I can only speak from experience with leaving my husband for about an hour or more (1 - 2). With his dementia I'll tell him I have a doctor's appointment or am running to the store, but he forgets (advanced dementia). So I started writing him a note saying where I was going, and he can read and re-read the note. He will say he was "worried" something had happened to me too, so I know it can be pulling at your heart strings to hear your mother say something similar. Just leave a note telling her you will be returning such and such a date, have a calendar where she can see it, and then move. Send photos of your new place with you in them, and try to live your life to the fullest. Hers is being cut short by this horrible disease and she would want you to be happy I am sure. Happy moving!
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By no means, I am no expert in this situation. As an observer, my mother-in-law suffers from dementia. Recently her husband passed away and she cried a little, but by the time the funeral was over she was in another world. Her dementia has been an asset, we feared she would become hysterical at his passing, but we were wrong.
We have her in a assisted living facility and after my FIL passed away she has been more active and now takes part in activities. There are many ladies there in the same situation, they have lost their husbands too. This has formed a support group.
Life is hard, there is not doubt about that. Your decision will be a very hard one to live with, but life must go on. My father passed away suddenly, there was no time to say goodbye. My mother died in the hospital under hospice care. That was an ugly heart-wrenching death.
I believe that was the worse day of my life, to watch her suffer then die. I'll be honest, I would have rather been somewhere else and remember her when she was alive. The only time in my life my mother ever told me she loved me was 5 days before her death, but she did not have to tell me I knew it.
Do what you feel is right. Our opinions are ours, not yours. If moving is your only option, then you must do it.
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If you can afford it, I agree that Pam has a point. Your mom may not have long to live and you may want to be close.

However, if that's not an option, I agree that you shouldn't tell her at this late stage. I do hope that you can somehow keep seeing her as often as you have been seeing her. She may not remember your visit but she still, underneath, knows that you've been there.

As far as her saying it's been a long time, in the later stages of the disease, she could say that it's been a long time in the afternoon even if you were there in the morning. I wouldn't take this as anything more than she is lonely and confused.

Try to work something out that is okay for you all. This is a tough place to be in.
Carol
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You don't have to move with them. You could get a senior apartment and stay in North Carolina. Why not?
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Drake, since your Mom had later stage of dementia, I think it would be best not to tell her that you are moving since she won't remember this a few minutes later.

I would also assume with most later stages of dementia that the person no longer has a concept of time. I know my Mom didn't realize I hadn't visited her for over a week [I was under the weather].
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That's a really tough one. I'm assuming that you love her and want the least pain for her. How often will you be able to get back to visit? Can she take phone calls? Could someone local help her with a laptop so you could Skype? Is there any possibility of moving her to Florida?

Can you discuss this with someone at the nursing home? They have probably had to deal with this in other cases. Does she have an accurate sense of time?

Maybe you could split the difference and tell her you are going on a trip, and can't visit for a while. If that makes her more upset, maybe you can "come home from the trip," and visit when you can without going into the details.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
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