Looking for a doctor for myself and don’t know where to start or what kind. I’m struggling with he fact that my mother has declined so quickly, I’ve placed her into a skilled nursing, my brother is not very involved and my father can’t make clear decisions for her care. I’m sad, scared and so disappointed in my father. I am a mother of 2 children and also managing my father, mother and all their problem together and individually. Not fun being the “sandwich generation”
I feel like I need therapy for myself to cope with grief, anger, anxiety before I loose my cool with my dad and ruin my relationship with him. Do I need a physchiatrist, phycologist, counselor- just want to research the right person to help me walk through this journey.
Do you have POA? I would refuse to help until you get all paperwork together to make decisions. Get wills, poa, end of life paperwork together in 1 place. Those papers are extremely important. You don't want to be digging for them, or yor brother take off with them. You don't want all the responsibilities and no power to make decisions. Don't let brother have them, if your doing all the heavy lifting, but no way to get help/make decisions.
You can also have a coming to jesus with yor brother. If he's not going to help, you don't want him in the background complaining/hating what you did. He gets no say bc hes no help. I would also keep an eye out, he's not calling/visiting trying to derail your help, or taking things. My sibling blocked my help from another country via phone calls and took imp papers.
You didn't say if your dad is living with you or not. Get some help to help with your burden. It could be cleaning, laundry, meal making help FOR YOU. Or help for HIM, to do his cleaning, laundry, food prep for the week, check on him. You need help, delegate. Husband will have to chip in more 2. He can do baths, homework and meal making. He doesn't get a pass. There are utube vids to make meals for crock pot for the week or month. Takes an hour. Have groceries delivered. How old are the kids? Can they pitch in? Do dishes, learn laundry, help fold, dust etc. Be positive with their help. So they learn it's helping family, not as a sort of punishment. Have a movie night with them, so yor still connecting with them, or a fun few hrs out, even if it's a walk in the park.
There are places online you don't have to drive to. Just hop online. This isn't the only one. You can find a therapist online too. No wasting 2hrs driving. Look for one that specializes in depression, caregiver burn out.
https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/caregiver-support-groups
And take time for you. You matter too. Good luck.
If you decide to go on meds for depression/anxiety, (you didnt ask) go to a psychiatrist. They know proper dosing. I went to my reg doc. She gave me 20 MG, then blamed me, bc I said no change. Refused to prescribe anything else. Went to psychiatrist, and she said 100-200 mg is normal range. Psychiatrist can also recommend therapists.
Take care of you first, then everyone else. If you give yourself away first, you have nothing left and will burn out. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You can always vent on here too. Good luck.
You cannot make siblings do the right thing. let it go, it is causing you more stress than them. If they have assets to bring, you might ask them to pay for needed items or services.
Counselors, depending on states may /may not be licensed. A good counselor will focus on practical strategies. Social worker is great, b/c they will know of resources to help your parents.
Your dad is a disappointment since he's not able to help you. On top of watching his wife decline so quickly I suspect he own mind might be in decline too. It would be incredibly helpful for you to have an impartial (unlike family or friends) person who can support you and acknowledge your pain, and accompany you with your grief. Stuff comes up every week and being able to talk about it and process it will help you feel better and be able to manage life more easily.
I would look for a Licensed Social Worker (LSW or LCSW) or a Licensed Counselor (LPC or LCPC) who is skilled in working with people dealing with caregiving. Google therapist and your city and a website from Psychology Today will come up. You'll see therapists in your area and you can see a picture, the description of themselves, the kinds of therapy they do and the areas of practice. You would look for caregiving, elderly, grief. There will be a link to their website and you can learn about them. Costs will be listed and many will take insurance and also have a sliding scale. Some even have a video. Call for a brief consultation--usually a half hour and that can give you an idea whether you'd like to try therapy with them. It's OK if the fit isn't right, find another. Psychologists will cost more and psychiatrists are even more expensive and will be primarily about prescribing meds. If you have insurance, check to make sure they will cover the therapist. Meds can be helpful but talk therapy will go a long way for you. I used to counsel caregivers for the Area Agency on Aging so that may be an option too. Caregiving, especially in a sandwich situation, is extremely stressful and difficult so it's important to reach out for real help that can be depended on, unlike family. Good luck.
Check with your insurance company for coverage.
Psychology Today maintains a list of mental health professionals that is searchable by area.
I would talk to your doctor, and find out what's available. Some mental health providers offer a "sliding scale" pay structure for their clients, based on income and what they can pay for services, ok to ask about that too. I used a non-profit clinic and the therapist was absolutly the best person I ever had the pleasure of being treated by. Therapy is great, I have learned so much from it. Also, if you don't like your therapist, or just don't think they're a good fit-this is expected in their range of practice. Totaly ok to say so. I have. Like, not every shoe that I try on feels good (darn!), but a good pair is great! Annnddd another thing-there were therapy days when I just did not want to go, talk any of it-nope-I just knew that would be a tough day therapy wise-but made myself go and never regretted doing that-'cause there was more stuff (of course) that I had to vent about and bottling it all up-ain't a good thing for me.
Good for you to seek help, and I hope the best for you!
You're finding your dad is human and as an adult yourself, you're experiencing the shift from a parent/child relationship to becoming the parent to the parent. It's time for you to do some growing of your own and it isn't fun -- I get it.
Talk to your primary care physician to get a referral to a therapist. Try to keep the "losing it" events for the therapy, not for your parents or children.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/counseling-for-caregiver-burnout-126208.htm
A couple of others that may be helpful:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/caregiver-issues
https://ct.counseling.org/2019/03/the-caregiving-conundrum/
See if the book "Take My Hand: A Caregivers Journey" may be of help to you.
Being able to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved with the family is SO helpful. Just being able to say things out loud will help you to cope. Do this for yourself. Take good care of you.
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