Thinking of moving in with my 86-year-old mother, recently diagnosed with dementia, to Florida (from NJ). Also cardiac problems. How do I do it safely?
Before my dad and my mom's husband of 62 yrs died suddenly in June (in NJ), they had planned to move to FL permanently. I currently live in CT. They've been snowbirds for the past 20 or so years -- have a beautiful home & are permanent residents. Since June, mom's cardiac probs have worsened ( broken heart?), and she was dx with dementia in August. She started showing symptoms about 2 yrs ago, but dad concealed and compensated well for her. Dad was trying to shoulder everything so his adult children didn't have to. ( I miss him painfully and am falling apart a little more each day). Long story short -- it's been the worst most challenging 6 months of my 57 years by far, as Im POA & HCP, with minimal family, minimal friend, and only professional support ( eg geriatric care mgr, one or 2 docs, my therapist).
Mom is currently in rehab, after cardiac probs & has no insight into future with dementia or real life current needs. She's assuming life as usual upon discharge, which should've happened a while ago, but hasn't bc of a slew of other related & frustrating challenges. She's gotta get out -- it's depressing and the medical care is terrible. And, I know the lack of stimulation and socialization is making things worse all around, in context of dementia. Not great feeling for me either, honestly. Love mom deeply.. Im feeling so guilty & sad that she's there, wanting to leave, and hasn't been able to. (Long story) She's always had THE best docs & care. Dad would be heartbroken. :-( ( stay tuned for a future post.about that)
Is the idea of moving to FL completely insane? She'd go to AL or MC. Home care isn't possible for a bunch of reasons. Fortunately, it's something we could swing financially. And, it'd save in the long run due to no income tax. So much would have to happen -- so many details, logistics, etc - eg, placement, travel, new medical team, medication mgmt (temp), moving me ( and pet), car(s) transport, transition challenges, etc. Sometimes, Im crazy enough to think it could work. At others ( more), I actually wonder if I've lost touch with reality not kidding. The sun &fresh air are good. (Not a fan of hurricanes, tho.)
Lots of important I haven't included.-- just too much.
Anyone have experience with something like this? Ideas? Suggestions? Sometimes the craziest ideas turn out to be the best ones, so im open to hearing them each & every one.
Ahead of time, Thank You for making time to respond. More appreciated than you know.
It takes time to grieve. Snap big decisions are advised against. For at least 12 months. But I see Mother's health has changed & accommodation needs to be sorted.
It was nice your folks enjoyed their snowbird years 😊
It's ok to grieve that is over now too.
But to now: Where do YOU want to live?
Coz really, living in an air-conditioned assisted living or memory care, will it be a huge difference for your Mother if she lives in Florida or not?
I did the opposite, moved south and then my mom. The transportation is the issue. If she is still able to travel by plane with assistance then great. Does she still have an ID to get through TSA? Then who is going to pack up the house and sell? Your options is to do it yourself or hire people with mom's money.
Keep in touch with rehab and ask for a video care meeting to see what she can and cannot do.
This will take a bit of planning which needs a few weeks. You are her guardian which means you do not have to pay for her care. You just assist with bill paying and making the decisions on where she should go. Later you may have to fill the paperwork for long term care.
I moved in with her in oct last year n it’s Def a challenge but as with everything else it takes time n adjustment n realizing ur mom may be dr Jekyll n mr hyde at times as the can’t help it . We argue at times then laugh get mad n laugh more n travel at the drop off a hat when she is in the mood.
take some breaths, pray daily, have some time for u to breathe n take breaks even if short
it’s not easy but I’m glad I have this time with her
my sibling experience is basically non-existent at this point, so if that’s the case the decision is yours now??
yes, get your ducks in a row.
poa, med & legal START HERE
then discuss with her DR
financial accounts, get on her accounts while she still has mental abilities
mortgages, 2? Figure how you’d sell or control when she eventually passes.
will, are you executor? Or who is?
talk to elder care attorney NOW.
does Mom want/prefer Florida? Do you?
Preplan for funeral
explore online AL/memory care in both locations. Narrow choices and see if you need to get on waiting lists, do as many as you can until deciding
MAKE LISTS! Plan!
car payments, insurance changes, address changes, phones, address book to update her family and friends
HAVE BACKUP PLANS. Not every plan works
ok, got all that started? Now pro/con move for Mom, another for you, another for both combined
if moving, it’s going to take time, planning and lots of work and stress
I’m assuming if you move, your plan is Mom in AL/MC and you in her home? Great, go back to top and start answering questions again starting with sibling support/concerns/protests
I don't. In this vein, I say:
* If you want to move to Florida, do so.
* Have your mom in a facility and visit.
* You will have the needed (psychological, emotional and physical distance you need - over time).
* I strongly suggest you do not live together. It is to the benefit of both of you, and others concerned.
* Realize how you will deplete yourself if living together. Even if you cannot 'get the entire picture, since you are not 'in it' yet, realize the immense responsibilities and how this will change your life-style / quality of life. This ISN'T selfish; it is being SELF-LESS. You are taking care of you, and her.
* When you visit, you can / will feel more personal (it is personal...) equanimity and be more present with her - having this (your) needed space. Space is so many ways (physical, internal).
Gena / Touch Matters
Be sure you have all the legal things in place no matter what you do. Especially a POA. My late husband needed to be placed in memory care but he refused to go. He wouldn't even see a doctor. I asked the director what to do because APS told me he had rights and if he didn't want to go he didn't have to. The director laughed and said "No one wants to come here." He said to get Power of Attorney,, which I already had. He told me, to call 911, tell them I was his wife, I had POA, he had dementia and couldn't reason properly and you needed to get him evaluated. They would get him from the hospital. I did and it worked, except he was terminal, so we brought him home on hospice and he died 6 days later.. What I am trying to tell you is get her affairs in order, because she is only going to go downhill.
💔😔
So sorry for your loss. I have done this in the opposite direction I movedvin with my mother after stroke. We pulled her out of rehab right away.,terrible for her. She wanted to be home. I moved in almost 3yrs ago from FL to NJ.
If u can move your mother to FL with u in AL orMC is the best answer. This is very very hard to do alone u need assistance especially if unhave a family to care for. You need to be close by to monitor and visit alot. Take to and talk with Drs. Too much to write about but my best advice. Logistics will get done eventually. Next best is live in with you with as much help as u can get including respite care.
I wish u the best. ❤🙏🙏🙏
If so what do they think of this plan/idea?
Uprooting 1 person is one thing, uprooting a family is another.
Your plan to place her in Memory Care in Florida is solid.
But why do you have to move as well?
Does she have friends in Florida that would visit her? You can visit fairly often as well. Not ideal but at least you are not moving to an area that you would have to establish new footing.
If mom's health condition is such that you would want to be close so you could get to her faster that is one thing.
If she were not diagnosed with dementia and she continued her life as before how often would you actually see her? I am guessing it is not a daily visit nor probably a weekly visit either.
I suppose one of your options would be to take a Family Medical Leave for a few months and get her established in Memory Care and during that time you can explore your options in Florida. This way you are not quitting a job, not making a permanent move to another State and it would be long enough to get mom settled into Memory Care.
If you are able to take time, go down to Florida and investigate facilities which will meet your mom's needs. Get her settled in and then go home. Come June, decide where you want to be.
Whatever you do, remember, there is no right or wrong answer. Just do what feels best.
I'm in a very similar situation as you. I moved my mom to MC near me so that I can easily monitor and not have to uproot my life. I have a good job, and reality is that those in their 50's won't necessarily have an easy time finding new employment. And I didn't want to start over again in a new place. I just don't.
Don't kid yourself that you will take her out every day. That's stress, not only on you. But also on her. She needs a healthy routine. Instead of "socialization" being telling her life story to clerks and random strangers, my mom now has friends and regular activities at the MC. Breaking out of her routine much sends her into dementia crazes, so I don't take her out. The familiar is good for her and helps her stay balanced. I noticed this in a very short time. And I don't visit every day. That's for my own self care. It is not easy emotionally or mentally, and a certain level of self protection will keep you healthy. I saw what 100% dedication to care giving for my dad did to mom. It wasn't good.
And mom thinks she lives in a casino hotel in Las Vegas. But we are in the Detroit suburbs.
As others have said, do what is needed for you. Your mom will adjust and may not even recognize where she is. Her life has already changed. And there is no going back.
Now having said that I would urge you to think about where you would be happiest, where is your life and where do you envision it being after Mom is gone? You are probably in your mid 50’s or 60’s where do you picture yourself in 10 years without considering Mom? Then go look at facilities around where you want to be and see if anything seems perfect. You might want to try and find a place that offers step up in care all the way through MC and NH care so she won’t have to ever change facilities and if you can’t find the perfect place look in the area other family members (who will visit) are as well as the other option or options of CT, FL, NJ. Find the best fit in each place and now compare where YOU want to be with Mom’s options as part of that consideration. Will you be happier near Mom even if it isn’t your ideal? That question could apply to various scenario’s so don’t ask it until you have finished te first two steps. The answer may become clearer. YOU and your life are important here don’t consume yourself with Mom to avoid the void your loss has created. You need to maintain a life of your own to get through the grief both of loosing your dad and as you loose your mom to this disease.
Florida isn't for the fainthearted. Hurricane after hurricane, and rebuilding after most of my house was destroyed in one of them was a nightmare. I had great insurance, but it doesn't just happen that the house gets built. It is a full-time job to manage, with insurance paid out in increments only as roof, electric, etc. are completed and pass inspection. Getting a good contractor is difficult as there are bad ones who take advantage in such a case. I ended up in a lawsuit with one licensed contractor who walked off the job, leaving a mess and billing for items that were never delivered but were used on houses that he owned. ("Prove it!" and I did.) A year and a half to settle that one, and the house was still not rebuilt. There were similar stories all around me.
Then, there are lots of rude people who complain that things aren't as nice as up nawth and swear and give others the finger over everything. Not a pleasant environment, even in the quaint small coastal town where I lived. Palm Beach County was even worse. The crime was horrendous, the traffic daunting. A good friend was attacked and murdered in a parking lot in an upscale area. A lovely strip mall in PB Gardens - robbers in broad daylight ordered everyone on the floor, held them at gunpoint, and robbed them and the store. Lots of drugs everywhere with halfway houses allowed in beautiful suburban family neighborhoods that attract drug dealers where children play. Most people I knew, old friends and new, have left. A well-known family takeout chain on a main thoroughfare in WPB keeps its restrooms locked so that customers have to get a key from the counter to use them. The problem? Druggies coming in and shooting up.
Property taxes are high and will go higher due to the large number of non-English speaking immigrants who require new schools to be built and other infrastructure, services and housing. You'll be paying for it with not much benefit to you. The heat can be horrendous, bugs breed year around, and if you don't like breathing mold, don't live there because it's everywhere and can't be stopped. In the home's drywall, attic, carpets, showers, even with the A/C on. It grows in the ducts. Sun and fresh air - you'll be sweating out there. Heat rash year around. No income tax? Believe me, you will pay in other ways. The State of FL always gets its due.
If this is right for you, go ahead. But be aware that you will have a set of problems that you've never had before.
I actually did the opposite. I live in South Florida. I chose to move my mom from Georgia where she had lived all of her life. It was a significant undertaking but due to her memory issues, she adjusted quickly.
I considered choosing an ALF in Georgia but since there is limited family, I was not comfortable with her going long periods without visits (I was 12 hours away). I also wanted to be able to easily monitor the ALF care plan. That is difficult to do from a long distance, though many have done that successfully. It just did not feel right to me.
I agree with my friends on the forum. I would make this move based on what you want for your immediately family and your long term goals. It is a significant change. It was more straight forward of me. I stayed in my home town, with my friends and my work and my mom was the one that adjusted. Fortunately that was not difficult for us. Your situation is the opposite. You will be making a new life for yourself on top of the caregiving duties.
Make a decision that is best for you and then make a plan that is best for your mom and her care.
Best of luck to you and I am very sorry for the loss of your father. Mom passed in November and it is a hard adjustment when a parent passes away.
Just taking time off to tour assisted living and memory care facilities is stressful.
I am thinking that the daughter is trying to decide whether or not she should move to Florida from NJ. Quite a change to make.
The daughter is looking at it from a financial perspective but also considering climate differences too in order to examine the entire impact of the situation.
In the end the decision tree needs to accommdate the caregivers rather than the person with dementia. So...
If you have & love your life and friends in NJ, then stay in NJ and move her up.
If you and family are ready to move to FL, then make your move.
A lot of what you're worrying about should be offered by a good AL/MC-- like visiting medical teams and medication management. Most AL/MC's will manage the meds for you as part of a care plan, and will handle the billing w/ Medicare.
I would also ask around at the Alzheimer's forum -both this site and that site are very helpful and might be able to share stories and tips about what to look for.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx
The transition can stink-not going to lie-it's very parent-dependent. My mom wanted to get into a place of her own, so it was easy. Someone who can't understand why they can't go home may have a hard time. it's ok to tell a white lie if it helps them make sense of things.
Keep in mind that If she has dementia she'll struggle to make sense of ANY new environment, since her ability to retain short term memories means she can't store information. That means that she'll be having a 'first' day at any new place, every day, while she gains some familiarity with it. It took my mom about 6 weeks to get familiar with her place, and 3 months to get a solid routine.
I don't know if your intent is to keep her in the same town she already lived in? Sometimes that familiarity is nice if you plan on taking her out during the day, but as her memory slips it won't be a deal breaker. Just saying, if there's a good AL/MC in a town you like, but not in the town she lived in, you could consider that.
I think that as long as you can handle humidity, you should be fine, you will have months and months of warm weather, to the point you will start to wish for cold. As far as hurricanes, as long as you're inland a bit you should be fine--it's the storm surge that will get you. Don't buy a ranch house in a surge zone--I'm seeing lots of 'reasonably' priced ranches popping up near the shore in Ft. Myers on Zillow LOL. Tip: Don't play or walk your pets too close to fresh water lakes, ponds, canals--alligators!