My mom has been showing signs of cognitive decline for last few years, as of last year she has dementia. Dad passed away in October and she now lives alone. My sister and her children moved in with mom after dad died, but mom was verbally abusive everyday with sister and kids. Not a good situation. Also sister and kids could not stay calm. Mom even attacked kids physically two times. Sister and kids now live with me (gave up low income housing to help out with mom). I take mom to Adult Day Centers but she will only stay at for three hours at most- stating she misses her dog. I go over in evenings to prepare dinner and give medications. Mom is paranoid/anxious and believes that my sister and kids are breaking in and moving and taking her stuff. She actually is sociable and pleasant with other people, but even if I could find someone to live with her, I think in time, she would blame them for "taking" her stuff.
SO...I believe moving her out of her home and into a board and care facility is the best option. I think we could only afford a shared room situation (the house is a reverse mortgage) and I don't know if she will be able to take her dog...
I just feel so guilty when we are having nice, calm conversations and she tells me for the 100th time in 3 minutes that she wants a roommate of her own age so they can go exploring and traveling together. She still is able to walk her dog and even dress herself for the most part...but she leaves food out, floods the gardens, leaves heaters on at 84 temp with windows wide open, flushes inappropriate things down the toilets and has caused many plumbing issues... and I know it will just continue to decline. I do have POA, so I believe I can make this choice...it is just hard...
She'll do fine in a board & care anyway since she's telling you up front that she wants a roommate her own age. Voila, you're going to make that happen for her so be proud that you're doing such a great thing for her!
The fallacy is that people only need to be placed when they are SO far gone that don't know their own name. That's nonsense. The right time to place a loved one is when they've become a danger to themselves living alone which your mother obviously has become, based on the examples you've given here. Now's the time!
Best of luck!
I agree that you need to see how your POA is activated and see if you qualify yet. I actually need to do the same as I think my mom is getting close to being able to be deemed incompetent.
I would talk to the facility that you have in mind to see if her behaviors are something that they typically can handle or not. If not, memory care might be the next thing to consider.
Best of luck.
The second thing is that there are some serious behavioral problems here that would not be a fit for most Board and Cares I am aware of. Her issues are in need of more care, and more care controls. In order to live in Board and Care situations seniors usually have to be able to peacefully cohabit with 6 to 8 other seniors in care.
Do know you can only make this decision IF your Mom has been diagnosed with dementia. That is crucial.
Now that those three major concerns are out of the way I would like you to try to change out your G-words for the future. You are GRIEVING. Guilt belongs to felons and evil doers. You are a decent person doing her best, watching your Mom lose thing after thing after thing, and being witness to her grief, mourning her losses yourself.
You will be very busy now. Being the POA I assume you are already handling bills. But number one issue is to check out this reverse mortgage situation with the company.
I sure am wishing you luck and hoping you will update us as you go, answer things on forum and share your learning and wisdom as you go on.
I'm so sorry you've come to this inevitable juncture. Please don't feel guilty. Guilt is for people who are doing wrong and committing crimes. You have done just the opposite: yeoman's work helping your family for years. There is no other solution for your mom in order to keep her safe and socialized, and for you to keep your mental and physical health intact.
I would start by reading your PoA document to see what triggers the authority. Sometimes it requires 2 diagnosis of incapacity. Start working on this right away, even if you have to tell her a "therapeutic fib" to get her in to her doctor's office. Then secretly pass them a note requesting a cognitive exam and test for UTI because you're concern about her behavior, choices and safety. They will be glad to do this for you and her.
If you already have active authority, then it will help you to further educate yourself to dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so that you have strategies to interact with her more calmly and productively. It is a rolling learning curve, so the "education" never ends really.
It won't be helpful to either of you to try to get her to agree to move or understand the benefit to her. Dementia diminishes her ability to use logic and reason, no matter how obvious or simple something is. Again, you may have to employ a "therapeutic fib" to get her semi-transitioned under some pretense, like the house has a dangerous gas leak or infestation and she has to stay at this "B & B" until it is fixed. BUT if you think she's a flight risk, then she may actually need either meds for anxiety or a higher level of care, like MC.
Then of course there's the issue of WHAT can she afford? Medicaid is a program run by each state so you'll have to investigate it through her county's social services website, or explore assistance like the Elder Waiver program. Medicaid, in most states, only covers LTC and not AL or MC. I'm not familiar with group homes and whether they accept Medicaid. Don't put her anywhere that doesn't accept Medicaid unless she has robust financial resources. You can probably get a free 1st consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney or find a Medicaid Planner. I wish you much peace in your heart on this journey!