My elderly and disabled mom loves to have my family visit her. Unfortunately, it is very stressful for me because her house is quite dirty. I am allergic to her cat and there’s cat hair on everything. She allows her cat on the tables, on the counters and on the furniture. Before we eat a meal, I have to hand wash each and every cup, plate utensil. Her dishes always have some kind of gunk on them. There is never one single dish item in the house that is clean. I cannot use the toilet there because it is filthy. This is very difficult because she lives one hour and 40 minutes away and I always need to use the bathroom at least twice while I’m visiting. Mom is homebound and not able to meet me outside of her house. She has started having a house cleaner come every other week, but that just does not seem like enough, especially when mom is having problems in the bathroom with diarrhea, etc. I know, it’s gross, but I’m trying to paint an accurate picture for you here. Having her house cleaner come more than every other week can’t be an option, because she’s extremely frugal. She also refuses to hire a home health aide. She lives with her partner, who is not interested in helping with house chores, but will help her if she’s in the most desperate situation like she’s fallen and can’t get up. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can more comfortably visit with her?
Bring take out food and eat it right out of the container , bring utensils and your own beverage in a bottle .
Stop and use a bathroom just before you get there if you can and after you leave . For example , Kohl’s by me seems to always have clean bathroom . Maybe this way you only use mom’s bathroom once at most .
Bring a travel size can of Lysol in with you and spray and hover . ( Sorry about the image ) .Or bring glove and paper towel to dry . Or they have those paper toilet seat covers in small travel packs you can buy on Amazon . And travel hand wipes , bottle of sanitizer.
I totally get the dirty bathroom ick . I can’t handle that .
When you say mom is homebound do you mean she physically can not get out of the house for some reason?
Could you pick her up and take her to lunch? Or her partner can bring her to meet you at a local restaurant then you can drop her off at home?
I would question the mental capacity of 2 people living like this. The fact that her partner will only help if she has fallen and can not get up just seems odd.
Like others have said, have a stash of bottled water, paper plates and cups. Order food for delivery or go pick it up.
But it’s the allergy to cats that makes me think you shouldn’t be going over there any more. My DH is deathly allergic, so maybe you aren’t that bad?
I really have nothing to add that waytomisery didn't say, just that this is not unusual feeling.
I also imagine, if you claim your frustration to some , some are going to say that you should help clean. This is not your job, so don't let others make you feel that it is.
I am wondering if mom doesn't live far from a convenient store, if you could think of something you may need there as an excuse to use there bathroom.
Is there any way you could afford to gift your Mom this service?
Would work for both of you.
If that's out of the question I sure understand, but if it is, looks like you are stuck with it.
Given what you describe the other option is discussing with your mom the state of things, and how she may need to consider a move soon?
And if she's no intention of moving, and you can't afford housekeeper, then you are simply stuck with making the best of it. Take with you those things you need to clean the toilet and so on, wash your own dishes, help out with cleaning when you're there, and just make do the best you can.
Life can get messy. I no longer have a cat, but when I did, there was of course cat hair. And I must admit she jumped right up and sat on the edge of the kitchen counter all the time! I am pretty clean and neat, in fact a bit OCD about it, and cleaning is something I love, a zen that brings order to my disheveled mind, but yup, the cat went EVERYWHERE. What can I say. I identify a bit.
Good luck. Last resort is that you visit a little less. I mean, you can call and text and even do zooms these days. No need to so often subject yourself to what is disturbing.
I had the house professionally cleaned, but because my aunt has incontinence issues, if she messes up one bedroom, she goes to the others. Being that I live far and would need a place to stay over, is one of the many reasons for why I haven't been back.
I had it cleaned professionally from my own pocket, but to keep getting it cleaned constantly is extremely expensive.
I wish I had an answer for you, except to say that I know and understand how you feel.