Another question for you guys - my dad is 94 with dementia and lives with my husband and I as of two years ago, when his wife died suddenly. My mom was already living with us. Obviously they are divorced (over 25 years) so it is not the ideal situation, but it is what it is.
Recently dad has started to revert way back to his childhood, asking for his mother, asking about his brothers (who are long deceased). I think he may believe that he and my mom are still married. He seems to think this is his house, he still drives, he pays the bills, etc. He will ask me why we don’t get the newspaper delivered every day - that he ordered and paid for it. On thanksgiving, he was planning on driving “back home” with my mom, wondering which highway to take, and how long it would take to get there. He said he was sure I would be happy to get the house back to ourselves after having company.
I have been trying to avoid direct answers and just shrug the “unknown” shrug, but he goes on and on and on asking these questions over and over. Do I continue to be vague, allow him to believe this is his house, he and my mom are still married, etc. The reason I hate to be blunt with him is that he has complete sobbing meltdowns when he realizes his memory is so bad.
Any help appreciated.
Some dementia patients can emotionally handle being told their spouse, a relative, or a friend has died, others can become terribly agitated, angry, or distraught upon hearing the news. They don't recall the actual occurrence, so to them, this is the first they're hearing it.
When my wife sat at our window waiting for her deceased dad to pick her up, I chose to go along with her belief and say, “he called and said he won't be coming today”. Was I trying to deceive her? Certainly not, I was merely trying to redirect focus so she wouldn't sit there all day. I was “going along” with her misperception. As the disease progresses, the caregiver has to continually create coping stratgies, both to preserve the dignity of their LO, and to maintain their own health and sanity.
So when it comes to someone with dementia, do we tell the truth, employ compassionate lying, or use therapeutic fibbing (therapeutic in the fact the it doesn't upset the person)? For me it was the latter.
What if your dad's reality was the actual truth? In other words, what if his mother and siblings were still alive and he was asking about them, how would you respond?
I would also check with your dad's doctor to see if an anti depressant would help dad. Hugs to you.
Seems Dad is far enough into his Dementia that he could be placed in LTC. No money, there is Medicaid. I know its ur home, but how does Mom feel about this? She must be a saint. Really, I am sitting here with a smile on my face. I cannot imagine living with my ex again and him thinking we were still married.😊
God love you.
His reality is his reality regardless of what you tell him. Only straighten him out if it's for his safety, like ensuring he doesn't get hold of car keys and try to drive.
You must remember that he's in his own little world now, and it's important that you meet him where he's at and not try and put him in your world. So whatever he says just go along with it, unless it will cause him harm, like driving the car, and then you can just say something like it's not running right now, or it's out of gas, whatever will deter him for a while.
And the nice thing about dementia(if there is anything nice)is that whatever you tell him one time, he more than likely won't remember for the next time, so start using those fiblets as often as needed. Good luck!
I think with dementia these confusions just move about in the brain and sift through like through a sieve. There's always an answer such as when he says how long for the trip just say "I am not so good with remembering distance" or if when you will go home, that you aren't quite certain. And then move on.
If you think scrapbooking photos with him might help with memories, then do that, but if you think they would not be good memories or reminders, don't. I suspect no hard and fast answer to this, and just a matter of what works best in your own case.
As to LIES, as in real lies, like "Oh, your wife is fine and she's on her way here." for me lies are never a good thing, and I don't do them to elders. To me they deserve the truth always gently stated. They are still human beings and it seems to me a last ripping away of dignity to be lied to. But that's just personal choice and perspective; we all must decide for ourselves and our own elders what works best. Wishing you the best.
I'd lean towards going with the flow and the therapeutic fibbing, as long as he stays safe (he doesn't try to come up with some consistent plan for going on a trip, etc), since he gets so upset.
You sound like a wonderful daughter!