To move or not to move?
My husband has early on set Alzheimer. He is 65 years old. It was probably brought on by a stroke he had 2 years ago says his neurologist. He is probably at stage 2 or 3. My big dilemma right now is that he wants to move and is very adamant about it. He can forget everything else but that. We would be relocating to about 60 miles from where we currently live. He says he wants to get closer to family which the move would accomplish that. The move would also get me closer to my elderly parents who are in their 80s and requiring more of my time. I am an only child, so everything falls on me for my parents. So the move could be beneficial but every thing I have read about this disease advises against major changes like this. A new house, new town, new surroundings, stores, etc. I don't want to move if it will cause more harm than good to my husband. What should I do?
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A very important point in your favor for this move is that you will be with him. Being with you is probably the thing he is most familiar with, and he isn't losing that. And, of course, the fact that he is asking for this move is another good sign.
I'd move.
I packed everything up and moved to a small town in Maine with my grandma and my dad. She adjusted amazingly well honestly. She was confused where she was for a while asking "where am I?" in the middle of the night but we moved her furniture, her pictures, her tv, etc with us so it was just placing it in the new room with her. Having familiar things helped I think. When taking her to her new doctors, she gets very confused expecting to see the same doctor she had had for over 30 years but still likes the new doctor as he's older too which is a bonus. She asks to go home still at times (after 10 months of living here) and asks to go downstairs. To be honest, I do not know what house she is remembering what she wants to go downstairs after waking up in her bed as in my 38 years I have not seen her do stairs.
Having my dad and myself around helped a lot. My sister's kids distracted her a lot from the move. She was upset with the number of boxes around the house at first. Then was upset as I was organizing things and still gets a bit nervous when dealing with me changing furniture or things around (I do not touch her room or things when moving them as she likes them the way they are).
I vote you move. I think being around family is so important. The fact you are moving with him and that he wants to move is great.
He is saying he wants to move and I must say that a move for him now will be easier than a move later.
If you will get more help that would be a boon for both of you. But if you will end up being a caregiver for 3 people it might not be good for you.
You will need to set boundaries and stick to them.
I should ask if your husband was raised in the town you will be moving to? If so it may actually become more familiar to him as his memory declines than the town you are currently in.
The other consideration is can you sell your house and find one that will be suitable.
You should look for one that is "handicap accessible" with walk in shower with no lip to step over. It should be large enough to get a shower wheel chair into. The halls should be wide and the doorways wide. No carpet. All these will make it easier when he uses a walker then a wheel chair and for you when you have to use equipment like a Sit to Stand or a Hoyer Lift. (If you plan on having him stay at home)
By the way often Alzheimer's is what I call a "lump sum diagnosis". My wild guess, with the stroke it is possible that your Husband has Vascular Dementia. He may also have Alzheimer's. The result is the same, decline and no cure. But the possibility of more strokes is great and you may not even be aware that he is having them. I think my Husband had Vascular Dementia, he would have rapid declines as well as the slow steady decline of Alzheimer's. If this is the case with your husband expect that there will be times he will have very sudden declines.
A move gives you the opportunity to choose a place that suits a physically- restricted lifestyle. For me that would be of critical importance and is one of the reasons I totally agree with "Grandma 1954".
When it gets to a point when he can't be left alone or needs to be put into a memory care unit then you can consider moving if you want or need to. However, make sure you are getting rid of stuff you don't use now. Your husband won't notice things are disappearing and you don't want to have to deal with the "stuff" all by yourself during a move. Good luck.
I noticed your concern regarding your own parents if you make this move. Thus you moved into a regular house, you not only would be doing full-time care for your hubby, but your parents would also need your attention at their home. That is very tough physically and emotionally on an only child. I know, my parents ran me ragged for 7 years, as they were in denial of my own age [also a senior citizen].
With Independent Living, many have very lovely 2 bedroom apartments with large living room and full-size kitchen, but are costly, your husband would be in a safe place while you are helping out your own parents. Plus you would meet other couples and other women who would make good friends.
As overwhelming as it is doing caregiving for an ill spouse, and also for your own parents, one positive note you wouldn't be driving 120 miles round trip to check on your parents.
There's a lot to think about. Please us up-to-date as to your plans.
It's (almost) certainly not going to get easier by waiting. It's a huge step, but it is encouraging that your husband wants to move. Usually the partner with dementia wants to stay, in my experience. You could also use the move to your benefit: for example, by making the case for getting him an ID bracelet, because this place is new and no one knows you, and what if you get lost? "I wouldn't know where to look for you, and having a bracelet would give me peace of mind."
As the only support person for your parents AND as the primary caregiver for your spouse, I strongly encourage you to get support in your new location! That's a lot to handle... and it would sure be nice to a have "back up support plan" in place if everything happens all at once one day.
Might I suggest looking for a continuing care retirement community that offers patio homes? There are also rent-only retirement communities with multiple levels of care, too, if you don't have the capital to invest in a CCRC.
Best of luck to you!
I envisage a rambler, one level DOUBLE car garage (we have a single and only his car gets parked there, so on snowy days, I have to shovel out the driveway and then my car to get anywhere. All the storage in the same level.
I wrecked my knee about 6 weeks ago, and hobbling up and down all day to just do what HAS to be done has been beyond excruciating. He was "just find one spot and stay there all day, what's the big deal?" Seriously?????
After asking him WHY he was so opposed to moving, he just sighed and said he was too tired to even contemplate the work it would entail.
I'm pushing forward without his support because I don't want my KIDS on this board in 10 years complaining about their parents and the totally inappropriate house they're living in!
I told him the move WOULD be stressful, but he didn't have to DO ANYTHING. I did chart how often I go up and down the main stairs--betweem 20-30 times a day!!