Please understand, DH’s body is frail. I have a good 20 lbs on him and I am strong and much younger. However, his hands and arms are stronger than mine and his rage was irrational and real.
I did not fight back much. He was restraining me, not hitting, but it could have been so much worse. He kept saying, “Now let’s just calm down.” This happened while he wrestled me to the bed and then the floor, held the back of my collar and wouldn’t let me go. I do not know how it would have ended if I had not had my phone in my pocket and a dear neighbor who rushed through the front door minutes after I texted help. DH immediately deflated and she calmed him within 5 minutes. Why couldn’t I?
5 hours in the ER and all tests were negative, which is good news and bad news - no apparent cause and nothing to cure. By the time we got home from the hospital he was hungry and as docile as a lamb.
It all feels so overly dramatic and surreal now. He would never hurt me, he’s been my provider and protector through so much for so long. Right?
It’s nearly 1am and he’s sleeping peacefully. He remembers nothing about what happened. I’m eating ice cream out of the carton.
What would have happened if you did not have your phone?
What would have happened if he had pushed you down the stairs?
Who would have cared for you (if you survived)?
Who would have cared for him if you were in the hospital or dead?
When you next see your doctor and they ask "that question"... "Are you safe at home" what will your answer be?
A friend of mine went through several episodes, was stoic about it and kids did not believe dad would do something like that.
She has permanent back issues and they are getting worse....
She woke one night, her husband had one hand wrapped around her throat and a knife in the other hand ready to stab her.
Her kids at last believed her and he was placed in MC shortly after.
PLEASE do not wait.
OH, talk to his doctor about this incident and medications if he is on any may need to be adjusted.
Most facilities will not accept a resident if there have been any reports of violence in the past 60 to 90 days.
So sorry for what happened to you.
You are not safe as I believe those incidents are not isolated.
You are not alone. I am wondering if there is more that could be done to offer you total protection? I.e. place your husband immediately in temp facility.
I am going through similar yet different scenario.
As of yesterday’s assessment my husband will be going to AL possibly next week.
I am not in danger as he is mild mannered and rational person.
But as he has Parkinson’s and motor skills deteriorating quickly in last few weeks (and other complications) I am in danger nevertheless as I cannot rely on 24/7 caregivers and he needs two persons lift etc, falling and soon will need wheelchair.
I already injured myself knowing better.
As much as our Canadian health system is crumbling when it comes to caring for both or protecting spouses they do excellent job. I am not sure if the same options exists in States but if he falls I can call 911 and they will take him to hospital and keep him until they can find facility.
As it stands he will be able to go to temporary one probably next week and will find him the best AL, one bedroom apartment in preferable area near me. And it is not as expensive as I thought, about half of budgeted amount as it is partially covered by health care. So about 10 thousand we budgeted for care will be half.
And he gets credits on tax deductions and I can get supplemental income if needed and I keep all the assets.
I don’t know all impacts in US with placing spouse, the stress of it and splitting assets etc.
The stress of just placing and in some sense ending marriage is immense.
How is one even begin to deal with all of it?
As I said even with smooth process and securing best care and place for him and myself being able to maintain the same lifestyle it all seems wrong all the sudden.
I realize I did not cause his disease. It is not guilt really, but as fairly decisive person all the sudden I am at lost.
As it is fairly easy process here i cannot even imagine what you are going through with what happened to you and other issues.
I can only sympathize and hope you stay safe and all is resolved soon.
"He would never hurt me, he’s been my provider and protector through so much for so long. Right?"
Wrong! He could. He is no longer the man that provided for you and protected you.
Dear Psue. My heart goes out to you. I know you know he has to be placed. Please take measures to be sure you are safe in the meanwhile. None of us want something bad to happen to you.
My sister with Lewy Body was recently placed . She lived with her son ( my nephew) who is a foot taller than her. She had grabbed his wrists a couple of times with such strength , one time he had to pull her to the floor to break free .
He was uncomfortable at home with her as she was getting more agitated, especially at night . He was afraid to go to sleep . I had told him to take the knives , scissors etc . out of the kitchen.
Don't know if the husband in this recent story has dementia or not, but a 78 yr old man is in jail under 1 million bond after stabbing his 70 yr old wife (chest, neck and hands, she survived) in a recliner chair in the office of their home. He called 911, told them he stabbed her, and was found in the garage.
This was in an affluent suburb of Cleveland, Avon Lake.
“Calming” medication is waiting at the pharmacy. PCP visit is next week and neuro-psyche evaluation is the week after. My goal by then is to have firmed up arrangements for his move. The social worker said private pay situations tend to move pretty quickly around here. We’ll see. I know I can’t keep him home anymore and frankly, I don’t want to, even as sweet and gentle as he is this morning.
My attorney visit isn’t until January unfortunately, but it’s mostly for a “check-up” of work already done and to tweak it to accommodate long term care.
A little piece of me is glad this happened the way it did even though it still seems like I’m playing a part in someone else’s life.
I am so glad.
You're doing everything right.
Heart out to you, P.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqxclbpbadM&t=4s
You will either be forced to live in fear in your own home, or to place DH in Memory Care Assisted Living where you get to spend time with him on YOUR terms in a public place.
In the meantime, call his doctor to discuss medication stat. And remove knives, guns, and sharp objects from the house. Allow only yourself access to the knives and scissors. It only takes one moment of rage for him to lose it. This has nothing to do with "love" but with disease.
I'm so sorry Pea. Sending you love and hugs and prayers right now.
Sharp objects could be a problem.
Don't wait until he completely freaks out before getting the medicine or getting him placed.
The amount you weigh and how big you are is nothing compared to a rage fueled by hormones that play into "flight or fight" irrationality. They have enormous strength. People fueled by such things can literally lift cars.
You are rationalizing all of this now that you are safe, but this is all dangerous, P. I checked on your profile because I cannot remember you situation completely, but at some point you have to recognize home care may not be safe. Have to leave that to you, but you've been here a while, and have I know, seen the stories of someone awakening to loved one standing over the bed with a weapon.
Please take care. Worried for you.
It is easy to slip into denial and think this is a one off and that it won't happen again. You need to realize this is not a safe situation for you any longer. It is time to think about what's next.
Yes his rage was irrational and real to him. So is you being the target of it. Next time a neighbor may not be there to help and there will be a next time. Let this time be the last time for your sake as well as your husband's.
I've had care clients attack me over the years. I know that irrational rage a demented person gets. That's why I always had pepper spray on my person and knew how to defend myself. I wasn't about to take an assault from anyone, dementia or not. I will put someone on the ground regardless of their age, weight, mental status, or anything else if needs be.
You are not safe at home anymore with your husband. Your life is in danger. It is time to put him in memory care and that's the end of it.
I know this is hard to hear and process, but someone has to tell you plainly. Next time he gets the irrational rage he will kill you. Get him placed as soon as possible.
Wrong. He just did. Dear Peasuep, let that register: HE HURT YOU.
You aren't safe with him now. The changes in his brain are still there. That won't improve. Please take steps to protect yourself. I am so sorry, but a line has been crossed, and you know what you need to do. Sending hugs....
You should never have brought him home. He needs to be in a facility before he literally murders you.
Is he on meds for agitation/anxiety/depression? I'd be calling his doctor and telling her/him about this incident. If you don't protect yourself, who will? He is no longer your protector, not by choice, but because of his illness. I'm so sorry for this trauma.
This is all just to by you a little time for your safety. You know what needs to by done hon. I'm truly heart broken for you.
Don't feel bad your neighbor got though to him. This happens, probably what ever was going on in your husbands head , got disrupted with the neighbor coming in, thank goodness!
Curious, was your husband in any service, or have any reason to have PTSD?
She ended up calling the police on him. Of course, his family was angry at her for calling. He had started getting violent with her more frequently. Finally, she was in the process of having him placed in a facility. She couldn't handle him anymore.
We had two elderly couples in our apartment complex. Both were brothers who got hit with dementia around the same time. One was married and his wife got it too. They fought all the time.
The other brother threatened to kill his wife and pushed her to the floor. She called her son, and he moved from down south to come help with his dad. Eventually, his father got worse and they ended up placing him in a facility where he died.
It was really the oddest thing Ive ever experienced in my life. I swear he could have strangled me with my sweatshirt collar and I wouldn’t have believed it was really happening until I was dead. I didn’t, for one second, fear for my life, I just remember thinking Oh! it sure wouldn’t take much to push this situation over the edge! Bizarre.