I'm not a caregiver at all. I'm the great niece of an elderly 84 y.o. woman. She has a niece who does check on her weekly. However, I'm out of state and can only call and talk. Since covid19, my great-aunt's social activities were ceased. Because of this, she is heavily on the phone. It's to the point of phone calls in the middle of my day, but sometimes I want to be left alone and have peace without hearing who died this week. She's twice divorced and the last man she dated has now passed. A couple of her good friends have also. We come from a large family and with all of the nieces and nephews she has, less than a handful call and check on her. When I don't answer my phone or return her calls within a period of time she asks me with an attitude why I haven't called her or answered her calls. It can be draining sometimes to talk to her and she domineering, bossy, and always wants to delegate what's to be done in a way that makes you not want to be bother or take a break. I advised her that sometimes I don't want to talk to her so I don't answer. She makes it about her and tells me not to do her that way. As if it is mandatory for me to answer her calls and it's not. Not to mention I'm in TX, she's in TN. It like going somewhere and know you're going to regret it or get a headache. If I travel to the city on vacation and stop by to see her, then there's a list of chores I have to do. I'm on vacation and didn't come to do all of that. It's a daunting chore. I take time for me and create space. She gets an attitude. I know she's lonely but she's smothering at times.
I have relatives that I see once or twice a year. I enjoy their company very much but I wouldn’t ever claim to have a close relationship to them. I barely speak to them at other times of the year.
When you visit and have limited time, take her out to a restaurant. Be sure to make reservations, so there won’t be any available time for chores.
Who is going to step in to take the lead and manage her care when she eventually has a crisis? Does she have a PoA? Not saying it should be you but maybe it would be most helpful to make sure this is in place for her soon rather than later. Bless you for thinking of her and caring about her.
Even if you explain this, I bet she won't get it. She just wants a chat. Probably needs more people on her hit list.
Maybe try a set weekly day? Then don't answer other days or evenings. Mention each time that X day works best for you.
She may be lonely, or starting to have memory issues & not remember when she last called. Either way you don't need to be her only listening post.
You are probably very kind & patient. It can be hard to unwind habits that have formed around you. But when you do, the stress & resentment will lift.
A friend who is kind got stuck like that. A needy drama queen semi-aquaintence started calling her to dump her daily load of feelingspoop. Friend was too polite to not pickup the phone! Said it felt uncaring. I asked why was drama queen's daily poop more important than her free time, her quiet time? The queen needed more people on her list... The kind friend answering every time was probably stopping her from calling other people!
My DH is blunt with this sort of thing. "You've told me that before". My son even more.. "You have overestimated my interest in that topic. I can't listen anymore" 😂
Where are DAs other nieces and nephews besides the one who checks on her? I had an Aunt who was a pain. Not one of the cousins liked her. Even her kids moved to other States. One 2 day drive away. And if Aunt did visit, they stayed in a trailer on the property. I had told my Mom not to volunteer me to do anything for her. Ask, don't volunteer.
I figure you are in your thirties maybe 40s. Tell her you have a life. You work, etc. That you are sorry but you don't always have the time to return calls. Sometimes you come home and just want to veg out. I think elderly forget how life was before retirement.
I would continue not answering the phone. Call back when you have time and keep the call short. If you don't want to visit, don't. Block her if you have a cell. You won't even know she called. I have my phone set to only ring my contacts thru, any others go to VM.
Call her when your driving. Tell her just checking up on her. When she gets going, tell her you need to hang up because u have reached you destination.
I wonder why she is calling a great niece who lives at leastv4 states away and can do nothing for her? Have other family members ignored her calls?