I'm feeling trapped. There have been so many dramas/sagas recently, what with a vascular op that we have been waiting for since diagnosis in November (finally start of May), us moving house, then dad getting an infection, problems with his neighbours and then two short stays in hospital and the ongoing associated care after. I am so jealous of these other family's that get to have holidays while my life revolves around the monotony of care. Dad needs daily trips to see the nurse at present as he has developed a seroma at the sight of his surgical incision, this is half term and my dad is so grumpy, the children are resenting it and so am I. Sounds selfish but I'm afraid that's the truth of it. Any advice?
I am a widow. I have an injured hamstring muscle right now and it is painful to bend over. I emailed a son that I was having trouble cleaning up some broken glass. He will stop by after work to do it for me. He has not "cut me off" but I certainly wouldn't expect to live with him or for him to stop work and take care of me.
Several factors would make it very difficult to implement a parent's-are-taken-care-of-by-children approach here.
1) First, it is against long-practiced culture. To be a successful parent means your children have gone out on their own, have careers, perhaps have families of their own. In mainstream US culture for parents to expect a daughter or son to give up their lives to care for them would be considered selfish and unhealthy, as Grandma1954 says.
2) Ours is a highly mobile culture. A couple may have a daughter with a successful career in Milwaukee, a son with a farm implement dealership in North Dakota, where he grew up, and another son who lives in San Diego and travels internationally. Mom and Dad have left ND and live in Arizona now.
3) We live longer -- much longer -- than at any time in history. The period over which older people may need care is MUCH longer than for previous generations.
4) Because we live longer we are much more apt to suffer from debilitating and extremely expensive diseases. Fewer and fewer people will have anything at all to leave to their heirs. Son can't think, "Well I'll care of Dad for a few years and then inherit enough for my old age." Nope. Son has to earn and put away enough for his own old age. And his own old age may well start long before Dad dies.
PCVS, I'm not criticizing what you say about your culture -- just explaining that that is not how it is for the majority of those in the US. (Canada? UK?)
Bella, thank you!:)
I don't mean that as an insult - please don't interrupt it as such.
Pick out the services where having YOU help adds to the quality of Dad's life. For those things that anyone could do as long as they get done, delegate! Does it matter who takes Dad to all appointments? Does it matter who cleans his house?
When my mom was being assessed for assistance she said, "No, my daughters clean the house. I don't need help." And one of the daughters spoke up: "Mom we have limited time to be with you. When we are here we want to play scrabble with you, not scrub your toilet!" I think that is a nice way to look at priorities.
This probably won't be that helpful, but I just could sympathize so much with the feeling that time moves so fast when you have young kids. You want to cherish their childhood, but it is so hard to do that when you're being pulled in so many directions.
My mom was primary caregiver to my grandpa but my sister and I helped with his care. We did not live with him. My kids are about your age. When he was still with us, I used to worry about the vacations and things that seemed "normal" for young families. Now that he is gone, the vacations and big things don't matter. What I regret more is the day to day stress that I allowed myself to bring into our home, the constant worry, the hours I spent daily trying to get him help instead of doing things for my kids.
I am happy that my kids loved him so much and spent that time with him. Not many kids their age know someone who grew up in that era, not to mention he was just really a special person.
However I wish I had prioritized better and had known how to "take charge" of our family dynamic better, and just said "These are my limits" instead of trying to work around what everyone else (the adults) preferred. Learning to distinguish between needs and preferences earlier on in this process would have made a big difference in how I handled things.
Little things that might help are making sure your kids have space to play and be kids where your dad isn't dominating the room. (Sometimes elders have a tendency to plant themselves in the center of the house and then discourage any sort of noise or activity.)
Maybe try to do a mom and kid night once a week where your focus can be something fun. I feel like you don't need to be a "perfect" mom 100% of the time, being a loving mom is plenty. But they do hold onto fun memories, even if it just an evening trip to the ice cream parlor or a surprise trip to the playground.
It also seems like kids feel better when their mom is happy. So try to do something nice for yourself here and there. (Plus you are in your prime now and should be enjoying that too.)
In the bigger picture though, you probably need some time to think about what is reasonable for you, your dad and your family. I don't think that you being the sole caregiver for your dad is going to be sustainable in the longer term. You have already been through so much. You need to heal and to have time to catch your breath too. I hope that there is some help available in your region. Your kids know you are doing your best, I'm sure. And they probably love your dad. But if you are feeling like things are out of balance, then don't be afraid to try to make some changes.
Well that is long and rambling but just wanted to share that I know at least a little part of how you might feel, and hope you can find a way to see that you are important in the scheme of things too.
1. Check locally, starting with your city hall (or dads) for local resources you may be able to pull in to help with various tasks. Anything anyone would be able to offer will lessen your own burden, and hopefully lead to your being less resentful.
2. You need to establish some boundaries for yourself if you can. Even if there is one day where other help is in, that can be your day off.
3. Not that you need any other hassles, but be aware of what messages you are sending your kids. Kids are those who will be OUR caregivers as we get older, and lets hope they have compassion and patience for us!
4. I don't know what the finances of the situation are. I've heard of the "granny" homes, self-contained suites that are on the property of the caregiving family, in space within the yard or whatever. Everyone still has their own space, but you alleviate the travel time hassles.
5. Would any of you consider Dad moving in, if feasible? I know that is a big one...and a huge lifestyle change...especially if his personality is abrasive.
There are many programs in most cities to help keep people as independent as possible. Like all good daughters, you are doing the best you can...I have found it impossible to ever completely please my own father. He's 100. Just the other day I spent 8 solid hours cleaning a particular room of the house. In the end his comment was when I was I going to get to doing the same in the garage. It will never be good enough and isn't worth all the energy to try. Our best has to be good enough. Take care...because...if something happens to you, then you will find out in a hurry how much you are doing and what resources are available for your dad...
It is a parents job to care for their family, raise their children and then send them out to do the same for their family.
No parent wants to burden their children with caring for an elderly, probably ill parent while trying to raise their own family.
Where does Dad currently live? Home alone? If so is it possible to get caregivers that will come in and help him as much as is necessary?
Is Assisted Living a possibility? If so many will go from Independent Living to Assisted to Memory Care so he would not have to move again.
Is your Dad a Veteran? If so the VA has many programs that may help. Anything from Homemaker services a few times a week to V.I.P. (Veterans Independence Program) that will provide a budget to allow you to hire caregivers, a cleaning service or other services that may be needed. And if he is a Veteran if any of his medical issues can be traced and qualify as a "Service connected disability" then he my be eligible for MUCH more.
Check with a local Senior Service in your Town or County and see if he qualifies for help through any programs they have.
But if caring for your Dad will put a lot of stress on you and your family as difficult as any of these decisions can be you HAVE to put your family first and I am sure your Dad would agree. If you were to go back to your Wedding day or even 5 years ago when your Dad was well and asked him if he would want you to care for him he would tell you that he would want your happiness to come first, that he would want you to put your family first and that he would not want to burden you with his care.
Only you and your husband can decide what is right for your family. Does your dad need more help than you all are able/ willing to give Him?
Try not to compare your life to that of your neighbors. All families go through bumps in the road. The thing is to figure out the balance that works for you.