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And cannot live alone. My sister is out of state. I’m the only caregiver in town. Mom would benefit from assisted living in a MC facility. We checked out a few nearby. We feel it too soon to bring up the subject and she needs to be consoled and be around family members for now thru the grieving process. She has stayed with myself and my husband the past couple weeks. My husband and I go down south during winter months. What is the best thing to do in this tough situation?? Help!!

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1. You didn’t ask a clear question
2. You already said yourself “Mother needs our care & support at this time

which lasts longer ‘feeling deprived or feeling guilty?”
Think about it
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Llamalover47 Jan 2022
OP asked the question "What is the best thing to do in this tough situation??"
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When are you planning to travel? How long are "the winter months"?

Your options are:
place your mother and continue as before;
postpone your migration this year;
take her with you.

It's over a year since you created your profile, plus there is your and your mother's bereavement to take into account - and I'm sorry for your loss, and the shock it must have been - but how is your mother doing mentally? What impact is dementia having on her at this stage?
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Find the facility that suits her best and you are happy with and "put her in" for respite whilst you go away as usual. Life is in turmoil but has to start to settle after the first few weeks. If she goes in somewhere because you are going away it will allow her some time to think in her own space away from family, and also to see whether she feels a need for assistance and if so whether it has been at the level of the facility you chose or more, or less.
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Does she need MC? Or Assisted Living? They are two different things.
If she needs help bathing, dressing, taking meds...that's Assisted Living. If she also has dementia (disoriented to time, place, personal needs, basic safety...rather than just occasional forgetfulness.) then Memory Care is the answer. It's not always quite that clear-cut, but after two weeks you should have an idea of her mental state and needs.

I think this is the time to be looking for placement. If she stays much longer, she may begin to feel that living with you will be permanent. But, then again, consider that her problems, whatever they are, will probably be magnified if you immediately leave her to go south.

Has she seen a doctor? If you think she would not be safe with you (or that you can't manage) make this known to her doctor. Check on some senior living facilities. Visit them with a prepared list of her most important needs and/or medical conditions. Use your best your best observation skills and inner judgement, because some senior facilities will give you a quite a sales pitch.

Yes, it's tough and most of us haven't been prepared for this. Wishing you good luck! Keep in touch with this site.
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Acm1958acm: Imho, you're absolutely correct about it being too soon to discuss any changes to your mother's living situation. since she has just undergone the trauma of losing her beloved spouse. Your plans for southern winter living should no doubt be amended.
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Maybe a brief, brief, compromise is in order; as your mom is grieving, can you delay your winter relocation a bit while getting a placement set up for her? This way, you will be assuring mom's coming needs, supporting her in these early stages of widowhood, and knowing you will be continuing your wintering 'down south.' With her dementia you may not even need to discuss plans with her, just take care of everything while she's with you and as you prepare to 'go south' take her to her new location; depending on her level of dementia she may just take it as 'going to a hotel' because you are going on your usual vacation. Care facilities are familiar with these kinds of 'move ins'...pick the spot you trust will give her the best care and trust your instincts. All the best.
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A move out of her home, no matter where to, is going to exacerbate her confusion. If financially possible, hire a live in caregiver to stay with mom while you take your trip. Both her home and your travel are an expected routine. If a live in caregiver is not an option, go ahead and speak with mom. Explain to her that you don't want her living alone because you worry about her. Ask her to actively participate in choosing a retirement home that she would like. However, keep in mind that legally, you can't force her to go in to a facility unless a doctor has deemed her unable to make decions for herself. In the end, it is up to her. What you can do is set boundaries so that you don't enable her to force you to sacrifice your own freedom, while reinforcing that you love her and are concerned for her safety.
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This is very sad but the answer is NOT to bring her into your home as she will never leave and it will be most difficult for you. She has dementia so that means YOU have to take control and make decisions. I would love and care for her but based on a more permanent, longer plan - place her where she is safe and can be cared for and you can lead the lives you are supposed to live now - this is YOUR time in life. Don't wait with your life - you may not get another chance. Things happen when least expected and not aways good.
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Mom is currently going through a rough time and on top of that you're planning to go south for the winter. More adjustments for her and her already confused brain. Not sure when you plan to head south, but if it's any time real soon - can sister come and stay a while with her just to keep mom in familiar environment for a while longer? Can mom go south with you?

I would try to keep her in her own home a little while longer. It's very possible the death of your dad may accelerate her dementia. Then the transfer from home to memory care may not be as hard as it would be right at this moment.
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You're in Fairport, NY, which probably gets long winters, yes? No wonder you and your husband go South for the winter! Why not put your mother into memory care down South? You'd be able to help her adjust and she'll be able to go outside year round. What are the prices like for memory care down South where you go as compared to up where you are in NY? If it's time for memory care, it's best to do it sooner rather than later.
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The grieving process can take a year - or longer - when somebody loses a close family member. Mom might do better if she attends a grief group to help with this transition. Since she also has dementia, your mom would benefit most from living in a consistent environment (home that never changes) with a extremely consistent routine. It might be best to help to help your mom into a place that has assisted living that transitions to memory care. Family and friends can visit her often to support her through the changes in her life.
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My father passed in 2020 leaving my 85 year old mom with dementia.

We were very fortunate to have part time sitters already in place.

It took mom a complete year to get over her depression. I think moving your mom has to wait a bit to be successful. Can you hire in home sitters?
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Everyone here is right that you should probably cancel going south this winter.
Would it be a possibility to have a live-in caregiver move in with your mother for a while at her house? This way she'll have some time to adjust to not having your father there but at least she'll be in a familiar environment. You could try it for a while and see if it works out. If it doesn't then you'll find placement for her in a care facility.
To me this seems like the kindest option.
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Your Mom needs to be with family now. If you don't want to take her with you, have her visit your sister while you are staying south. Upon your return, you can start taking steps to re-assess your Mom's needs and take appropriate steps.
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There is no "right" answer to this, there is no "wrong" answer either.
If mom did not have dementia given the same circumstances would you
Leave her home alone mourning her husband?
or
Would you delay your trip this year and stay with her?
or
Would you invite her to come with you?
I might be in a minority here but this is what I would want done if I were your mom.
I would either want caregivers that would come into my house and care for me, or if I did not have that capability place me in Memory Care.
I would want you to continue with the plans you have made for yourself, your family.
(I say I am in the minority here, I have LTC insurance that will pay for caregivers to come to my house, my home is handicap accessible so I do have that luxury and safety in the back of my mind)
You know your mom and what she is like. If you played the "What if" game 20 years ago and posed this question to her what would she have said?
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Take her with you or put her in MC . What does your sister think ? Or give up your trip down south .
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I think you should put off your trip south this winter and comfort mom. For now …
and maybe later look for good memory care …
best luck
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If your mom is to the point where she needs MC, does she remember what happened to her husband from day to day? If not, if I were in your situation I would consider delaying my trip south for a little while to let the dust settle and get her situated with confidence in a good MC. If you are her PoA there will be a period of adjustment for her that will be made easier if you are not out of state. A small sacrifice now for a smoother transition for your poor mom.
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I'm so sorry for yours and your Mom's loss. I DO think that the longer you wait the more difficult and move will be for her. But truth is that this is one of those things with no good answer. The adjustment will be difficult. However, if facilities in your area are good, your Mom will meet others who will commiserate with her over this loss, and she will have activities to comfort her as much as they are able.
I wish you good luck. Don't expect this to be easy, to "go well". It will be very difficult for your Mom without questions. I do think you should begin to look now, WITH her if she is able, for her "new home". Make it a given, without other options, and just begin.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away and my sister and I moved my dad to a facility two weeks after. We visited him a lot after he moved in to help with the transition. It took him a few weeks to get comfortable. We moved him again in December when he needed memory care.

I think any transition for someone with dementia is hard. They don’t have familiar things around so it makes them anxious. Our doctor put my dad on something that helped with anxiety before the move to memory care.

It might be best to go ahead and move her so she is somewhere permanent and can get settled instead of delaying it. SHe’s already in a time of change so making the move now might be less upsetting than after she is used to living with you and then moving.
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I had to move my mom to a nursing home three days after my dad's funeral (two weeks after his death). I felt terrible about it, but I'd been living with them for two months -- since the day Dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer -- and I finally had to go home. I couldn't care for her alone, caregivers were ridiculously expensive and unpredictable, and the fact is, life goes on. I visited her several days a week, though, so she wasn't afraid she'd been dumped.

Is it possible to skip the "going south" trip this year to help her ease into her new surroundings? Once she's in and settled, maybe you could go for a week, but a move like this is really scary for someone with dementia, and moving her then disappearing for months isn't going to go well.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
MJ,

Caregivers were more expensive than a nursing home? I've never heard of that. The worst and lowest nursing home in my state is $10,000 a month. I never even heard of a live-in caregiver getting that kind of money.
Medicaid won't pay for live-in caregivers though.
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This is really difficult, no doubt. Sorry for your loss.

If your mom needs memory care, then she needs memory care. You are not going to be able to provide that level of care for any length of time. It's just very hard to do.

When do you go down south? It's already the end of December? Are you planning on taking her with you? Seems like that would be a bad idea. She won't have her doctors or anything familiar, besides you and hubby.

It's never feels like an ideal time to place a parent in a facility. But often it becomes necessary. You have no way to know how long grieving process is going to be. Depending on her level of dementia and how/when it progresses, will kind of determine that path.

Speaking of which, if she forgets that he died, and can't consistently remember it, many opt for the therapeutic lie of saying something else like that they're at the store o visiting someone so that your mom doesn't have to keep reliving his death like it is new news every day.

Good luck.
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This is such a tough subject. But dementia plus ADL loss becomes eventually an issue that most conclude is best dealt with by professionals.

Are you in charge of her assets? If so I wouldn't delay talking to MCs, MC board and cares and so forth. It is, I imagine, what your father would have wanted
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I’m sorry for your loss. If you know that memory care is what your mom needs I think you should begin the process of her moving to one. There won’t be a “good time” and having her live with you could easily be understood by her to be her new home. You’re right, it is tough. I hope you find a new setting for her with care you feel good about
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