My mom took care of my dad when he was terminally ill from lung cancer no hospice just her at own home, at the same time taking care of bi-polar son
and having double masectomy herself..There was little help during all of this ten years ago. Now she is 80 . She has rectocele and newly diagnosis of depression and anxiety. Landed her in hosptial for month. Now trying to live at her home with bipolar son still at home.. I try to help but she has always been so independent. Problem is no help from outsiders because she saved alot of her money and is not elligible for financial based programs. How do I treat her with dignity and the respect she well deserves. ? It is so difficult because she doesn't want to go on and she doesn't want me to be responsible for brother or her..The facility she was at sent her home and said family member make sure take medicine but pretty well she should be okay at home . The social worker and doctors know about her family situation but have been not much help just said
we need a plan when she was in geriatrics behavior part of hospital. they said
as long as she has her own home she should be okay at home.????
Your mother may do well in an assisted living facility. She sounds like she needs companionship and social interaction. There are some wonderful AL facilities and they do respite care. That's a good opportunity to "try out" a facility for a month or so. My brother-in-laws family was in a similar situation. They convinced their mom to go to AL facility after cataract surgery. She decided she didn't want to leave, which was what they were hoping. She made friends and had a nice routine there.
I know it's very difficult for an elder to decide to sell a home (especially when they feel responsible for a grown child) but the fact is, your brother will probably outlive your mom so the time will come when he will have to get along without her.
You can offer to take her to visit some AL facilities (no pressure on her, just for information). There are services that help locate appropriate facilities. I don't know if the Agingcare monitor will allow me to state the name of the service I used to find a place for my mother with dementia but here goes- "A Place for Mom". It's a free service. Good luck.
Kate, I agree with lulabear that the first step is getting your brother the help he needs to live without your mom. Since I don't know the extent of his issues, it's hard for me to tell you where to begin. But he is going to have to go on without her and you cannot be expected to care for him as she did. I would probably contact a local mental health agency to start.
I also had parents who saved well and my dad doesn't qualify for any type of assistance. Paying out of pocket doesn't have to mean an immediate drain on her savings. You can hire quality people for as few or as many hours as needed. Maybe someone coming in just an hour or two a day to start would do. Or maybe you can identify specific tasks she needs help with like bathing or cooking and you can find someone to help with just those jobs. She may be resistant at first but I think that ultimately most elderly people realize they can't do it all on their own anymore and come to appreciate the help.
You're going to have to have a talk with her about what she wants, what she expects of you and what she would like for your brother after she's gone. I'm sure she has thought about all of this many times. Maybe she just doesn't know how to bring it up with you. You and she both sound like strong women. I'm sure you will find a way to help her through all of this.
Finally, I'm wondering, did your daughter recover from that horrible accident? I can't imagine what you must have gone through with your dad dying and your daughter injured...
Asking for help is very humbling. Your Mom is familiar with caregiving and understands the sacrifice. Now it is her time to be served. Step up.
She was the one who landed on roof of car so she had alot of doctors and injuries.
I know it sounds like worse soap opera but all happened at once. One of the worse years of my life.
Before she took Quantum Mechanics and got an A. Had a real hard time adjusting. Worked 2 years and then went back to school. She needed insurance and was over 25 so couldn't be on dad's insurance anymore. Went on to get 2 masters degrees. Thanks for asking clare 49.