As a kid growing up I was raised as an only child as my siblings are much older. My parents both had issues. My Dad cold and stand offish and my mother and alcoholic. As they got older and there health started to catch up to them it fell to me to take care of them. I took care of my father till he pass two years ago and I am still taking care of my mother now. She has been sober 7 years. But I find I get very resentful for so many things. I an 38 now and I have been taking care of them for the last 8 years. I have done my best to put on the happy face but when my dad passed I found I was left with many regrets. I am trying not to let that happen with my mother. I need help finding away to be more patient and calm.
When I was raising young children I had a little plaque in my hallway that said, "Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!" We can all use a little of that.
"It was her story, not mine."
Yes, so true. I've been trying to find compassion for my father from my perspective… where I am always victim… and that makes it really hard to be compassionate. My father very likely has a mental issue that was never diagnosed or addressed - whether it was from birth, or from his 6 week coma he endured when he was in his late 20s, long before he married my mother and I was conceived. Either way, it's his story. I make it mine and suffer more for it. Thanks for the reminder. Its so hard to take myself out of victim role, but I know I'll be better off for it if I can do that and keep doing it, and just keep accomplishing the business at hand. Just my thoughts… thanks again for such a thought-provoking post.
But I do sometimes snap at my mother. I'm trying to be patient with her but am not trying to be perfect, either. Since she's living with my husband and me, there's no point in trying to pretend that we're all wonderful and happy. We're just ordinary folks with ordinary days, some good others bad, crabby sometimes and not so much on others. It would be impossible to pretend otherwise 24/7.
Seriously, though, it's hard. I would stop the "put on a happy face" thing, for one. I just try to get through the day and get my chores done. Period. It's not my responsibility to be happy and make it all seem like it's great. It's hard work and I make no effort to try to make it seem like a happy thing.
That's basically my strategy and it works for me. I'm calmer when I just approach it as a list of tasks. That doesn't work for everyone but I'll pass it along to anyone who might find it good for them to try.
Something I found after my father died was that it is harder to take care of one parent than two quite often. My father provided some buffer between my mother and me. When he was gone, it was just her and me. My brothers are not involved. I feel resentment a lot, because I am only human and she was never a good mother. I wonder if I had done something terribly wrong to be going through what I am now.
I wondered if you are working and building your own life. My thoughts are that you are in the most productive years of your life, so I hope that you have time to concentrate on yourself. At your age I would probably be feeling more resentment, because devoting so much time to parents would have such a huge effect on my own life. Let us know a little more about you. We can't fix the problems, but someone may have some good ideas.
DaveR, I sympathise enormously with how hard it is to lose the resentment. You're doing really well just to recognise that it could be there, and watch out for it - being on your guard is half the battle, I think.
i assure you that your efforts will someday bring you rewards from all directions, its just impossible to see right now.